


Falling Skies

by Crimson_Peak



Series: Tomily [3]
Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Arguing, Begging, Cheating, Crying, Drama & Romance, Drunk Sex, Drunkenness, F/M, Fluff, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Love/Hate, Marriage, Miscarriage, Mutual Pining, Not Cheating, Parenthood, Pregnancy, Romance, Sexual Content, Single Parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2020-08-20 16:09:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 47,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20230630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crimson_Peak/pseuds/Crimson_Peak
Summary: Tom and Emily are now happily married, with a baby on the way. Life should be perfect, shouldn't it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome! I'm gonna apologise in advance because you all know how much I love a bit of angst..........mentions of miscarriage in this chapter.

Emily groaned in relief as she kicked her shoes off. She dropped her keys on the table by the front door and walked further into the silent house,

“Tom?”

She frowned as she walked through the empty living room and towards the kitchen. Only then did she see her husband in the garden with his back to her. There were two large tubs on the table and she could see he was examining what looked like some sort of instructions. She wandered towards the back door,

“Hey”

Tom jumped,the piece of paper almost falling from his hands before he turned to smile at her,

“Hello sweetheart”

He opened his arms as she approached, pulling her into him and kissing her gently, 

“Good day?”

Tucking herself under his arm, Emily hummed, “It was ok”

Studying what appeared to be some sort of craft materials, she frowned again, “What on earth is all this?”

“Ok so I saw this video on YouTube earlier” Tom replied excitedly as he released her and started pouring powder into one of the tubs, “These people made a plaster of their hands…..like together, holding hands. It looked really cool so I thought we could do one”

Emily’s eyes darted uncertainly between the garden table and the excitable man in front of her who was bouncing up and down on his toes as he grinned at her,

“Really??”

“Yes!” Tom exclaimed, sliding his phone out of his pocket and unlocking it, holding it towards her. Emily examined the picture on the screen of two plaster hands gripped together and looked back at Tom,

“You want us to do one of those?”

Looking deflated, Tom tucked his phone back into his pocket and shrugged, “I thought it was a really nice idea. A way to capture our love, our bond…....but if you don’t like it”

Emily smiled fondly at him as he turned away and started to gather all the items together. How could she ever say no to this man?

“Tom, wait. I do like it. It’s cute”

Tom looked towards her again and that adorable, irresistible smile was back,

“Yeah? Go and get changed then, you probably don’t want to get this stuff on your work clothes. I’ll mix this up to make the mold”

He lunged forwards quickly, kissing her again,

“Love you”

Giving her a wink, Tom turned his attention back to his mixing tub, and Emily made her way back indoors to get changed. She emerged a few minutes later in her tracksuit bottoms and an old vest top, the slightest hint of a bump starting to appear around her belly.

“Ah good, you’re back. It’s ready to go so we have to be quick before it sets” Tom reached for her hand and pulled her forward to the table where a tub of weird pink mixture was waiting.

“We both have to use our left hands so you’ll be able to see our wedding rings” he explained as they navigated around the table until they were both in a position to plunge their hands into the mixture.

“Are you sure this is safe?” Emily asked uneasily as they stood with their hands above the tub.

“Of course! I’ve checked it all out, there’s nothing that can harm you or the baby”

Tom watched as Emily eyed the mixture, “Em, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. It’s not that important”

She looked back at him, “It’s important to you, so that makes it important to me too” she took a deep breath, “Ok, let’s do it”

Adjusting his grip on her hand, Tom looked at her, “Ready?”

Emily nodded and they plunged their hands into the mixture almost up to their elbows.

“So how long do we have to wait?” Emily asked

“About ten minutes. Oh, I meant to tell you! A letter arrived for you from the hospital today. I assume it’ll be the appointment for our scan”

Emily rolled her eyes at him, “And you’ve chosen to wait until I have my hand stuck in a tub of god knows what, unable to move, to tell me about it?! For goodness sake, Thomas”

Tom chuckled, “I’m sorry, I forgot!”

Emily glared at him in fake annoyance and tutted, shaking her head.

“Will we be able to find out the sex at this scan?” Tom asked eagerly. Emily shook her head again,

“No, not yet. You’ll have to wait a bit longer”

“But I want to know if we’re having Cassius or Hermione” 

Emily looked at him in horror, “I can tell you right now that we are not having either of those!”

Tom chuckled, “Seriously though, what would you prefer? A boy or a girl?”

Emily thought for a minute and blew out a breath as she shrugged, “I honestly don’t mind. As long as it doesn’t end up with your ridiculous curly hair”

Tom pouted, “You love my hair!”

“It’s unruly”

“It’s sexy”

Emily looked at him for a moment as a smile spread across her face, “Do you remember when we first met at school? I told you I liked your hair”

“You pulled it really hard”

Emily gasped, “I did not!”

Tom laughed, “Em, you did! But I was trying so hard to impress you even at five years old, that I didn’t want to tell you how much it hurt”

Emily stared at him, “Are you being serious?”

He nodded, “Totally!”

Emily but her lip, “Shit. Well, I’m sorry. If I could bloody move I’d give you a kiss or something but seeing as my arm is totally stuck in this gloop……” she trailed off and looked down at the tub in disgust. 

“I think we should be ok to take our hands out now” Tom said, giving his fingers an explorative wiggle. Carefully, they slid their hands out of the mixture and Tom quickly busied himself pouring the plaster into the mould left by their hands while Emily went and cleaned herself up in the kitchen. At least that’s where Tom thought she’d gone but once he’d left the plaster to set and gone back inside, he found the kitchen empty. Heading towards the living room he heard the toilet flush and Emily wandered out, giving him a weak smile.

“You ok?” He asked as she curled herself against him and he put a comforting arm around her.

“Morning sickness…...in the evening again” she mumbled. Tom rubbed her back gently, kissing the top of her head,

“It’s meant to get better after the first trimester isn’t it?”

Emily nodded into his chest “Hopefully”

Kissing the top of her head again, Tom gently guided her backwards, “Go and sit down darling, I’ll get you some water. Do you want anything to eat? You said that sometimes it helps”

Emily hummed as she walked towards the table and picked up the post, beginning to tear open the letter from the hospital, “Maybe just some toast…..” she paused as she read the letter, “Appointment is next Friday”

Tom couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face, “We finally get to see out baby, Em”

Emily looked up at him as he closed the distance between them and pulled out a chair, sitting down so he was level with her stomach and pulling her top up to reveal her tummy. Tom leant forwards and kissed the small bump gently as Emily stroked his hair.

“Stop making your mummy so sick” he whispered and Emily giggled as she wound one of his curls around her finger. Grinning cheekily, she pulled on it. Tom snapped his head up and frowned at her, “Hey!”

In one swift movement he stood up and swept her off her feet and into his arms. Emily yelped in surprise as he growled playfully into her neck and walked across the room, gently dropping her onto the sofa and pinning her arms above her head with one hand as he straddled her thighs.

“Don’t you dare” Emily warned as his other hand trailed down her side and slipped under her top.

Smiling innocently, Tom looked at her “Don’t what?” 

Before she could answer he started to tickle her under her ribs. Emily squealed loudly and started wriggling underneath him “Tom, stop it!”

“Stop what?”

“You’re making me feel sick” she gasped, in between involuntary giggles.

Immediately Tom let go of her and she sat up, taking a deep breath in and out and glaring at him as she tried not to smile again.

“Sorry darling…...You ok?” Tom asked, watching Emily as she took a couple of steady breaths before nodding,

“Just have to keep reminding myself this will all be worth it once the baby is here”

“Just think about next week, Em. In just over a weeks time we get to see it….I mean him, or her. We’ll get some of those little pictures that we can show everyone, even though none of us really know what we’re looking at because all it is is a white blob””

Giggling, Emily reached up to stroke his beard as she smiled at him. Even now, with a wedding ring on her finger and his baby growing inside her, she still couldn’t believe Tom was hers. She’d dreamt of this for so many years and sometimes it still didn’t feel real. 

“What?” Tom whispered as he watched her quietly.

“I just love you, that’s all” Emily replied.

~

“Thursday I don't care about you, it’s Friday I’m in looooooove”

Emily looked across at Tom and smirked as he sung loudly, thumb tapping enthusiastically on the steering wheel. He glanced across at her and his face broke into a wide grin,

“C’mon Em! You know I love this song! And it’s the perfect song to listen to today - it’s Friday, I have my beautiful wife next to me and we’re on the way to the hospital to see our baby for the first time!” He reached across and took her hand, squeezing it as he continued to drive, singing along to the radio, albeit slightly more quietly now. Emily watched him for a moment before turning to look back out the window. She was excited for today, of course she was, but she couldn’t help the little voice in her head that kept reminding her that this is how things should have been four years ago. She still thought about their first baby every day, wondering what he or she would be like now and how different their lives would have been. But she always tried to remind herself that they’d been given a second chance, and this time everything would work out. Also for the past four days she hadn’t been sick at all, so she was taking that as a positive too. 

They pulled into the car park of the private hospital and climbed out of the car, walking hand in hand towards the entrance. They’d chosen a private hospital more for the privacy than anything else. They didn’t want the risk of being snapped by a member of the public in a normal hospital, and find themselves splashed across the pages of every newspaper the next day. They’d discussed it with Luke and in time they would release a statement announcing Emily’s pregnancy, but not yet. Not until they were both ready. They hadn’t told anyone apart from Luke, not even Tom’s mother or Ben knew. It was hard keeping such a big secret from their nearest and dearest but after the scan today, once they knew everything was ok, they would start to tell a few select people.

Taking their seats in the otherwise empty waiting area, Tom’s leg bounced up and down excitedly as he stared around the room. Emily reached over and gripped his knee, holding it still, “For the love of god Tom, will you stop fidgeting”

He chuckled and placed his hand on top of hers, “Sorry…...I’m just excited”

This meant so much to him. Emily knew he was still hurting about what had happened all those years ago and although he didn’t hold it against her, it only added to the guilt she still felt for the situation. She was pulled from her thoughts by a nurse calling her name. Standing quickly, her and Tom followed the woman into an immaculately decorated room where she was instructed to lay down on the bed while the nurse busied herself preparing for the scan. Tom seated himself in the chair next to her bed and reached for her hand, excitement still clear on his face. 

“If I can just get you to roll your top up and your jeans down so I can get to your tummy” the nurse asked as she wheeled the machine closer to the bed and Emily shoved all her clothing in the appropriate directions. She drew in a sharp breath as the nurse started to spread gel all over her stomach, “Jesus!”

“I’m sorry, it’s cold isn’t it?” The nurse smiled as Tom squeezed her hand reassuringly, “It doesn't help that it’s so cold outside today” the nurse chatted away as she pressed the transducer to Emily’s stomach, watching the screen to her side. She started to slide the device around as she continued, “Although the forecast for later in the week looks-“ she trailed off as she frowned at the screen. Emily and Tom glanced at each other and back at her as she continued to stare intently at the screen whilst she moved the transducer around Emily’s stomach.

“Is everything ok?” Tom asked nervously. 

“Just bear with me for a moment” the nurse mumbled, clicking a few buttons on her keypad.

“Tom…..” Emily stuttered, panic starting to rise.

“It’s ok darling, it’s gonna be fine” Tom answered, placing his other hand over hers and smiling at her. The smile didn’t reach his eyes and Emily could tell he was as scared as she was.

“I’ll be back in just one moment” the nurse announced with a straight face. She was avoiding eye contact with both of them and Emily knew there was something wrong as they watched the woman leave the room quickly.

“Tom, what’s going on? What’s happening?” Emily turned to him as he lifted her hand to his lips and held it there, kissing it gently,

“I don’t know” he mumbled against her skin. The colour was draining from his face as his leg started to bob up and down again. Something wasn’t right and they both knew it. The nurse re entered the room accompanied by another woman who appeared to be a doctor. She acknowledged them with a small nod before the two women turned their attention to the machines, the doctor taking a turn at sliding the transducer across Emily’s stomach as her and Tom watched them silently. The doctor glanced back at the nurse before removing the device and looking at them,

“I’m afraid we don’t seem to be able to find your baby’s heartbeat”

“What does that mean?” Emily stuttered. She knew what it meant, and so did Tom, but she needed them to say it. Before the doctor could answer, Tom interrupted,

“But there is a baby? I mean, you can see it?”

The doctor nodded solemnly, “We can see a baby, yes. But we can’t hear a heartbeat”

“So it’s……….dead?” The words caught in Emily’s throat and she heard Tom draw in a loud breath next to her. 

“We’d like to send you upstairs for a couple more tests so we can be sure, but unfortunately I think you should prepare yourselves for the worst”

“Oh god, no…….please, no” Emily whined as Tom stood from his seat and leant over the bed, pulling her into his chest as she started to cry.

“We’ll just give you a couple of minutes to get yourselves together and then if you come back out to the waiting room we will take you up” the doctor said as Emily felt Tom nod, 

“Thank you” his voice broke as he sunk down onto the edge of the bed and Emily could feel his body shaking as he cried too.

“Tell me this isn’t happening” she sobbed, clinging to his jumper, “This can’t be happening”

Tom leant back and held onto her shoulders, his cheeks stained with tears, “Don’t give up yet, Em. Maybe they’ve got it wrong”

“But what if they haven’t?”

Tom just sighed and rubbed her arm, “C’mon darling, lets go”

~

Why?

That was what Emily kept asking, but no one could give her an answer. It was just one of those things, one in eight pregnancies end in miscarriage, blah blah blah. Emily just wanted this to all be over so she could go home. She was aware of the doctor talking to them as they sat in her office, but she wasn’t listening. Suddenly Tom squeezed her hand and bumped his shoulder gently against hers, bringing her back to earth,

“Em? What do you want to do?”

“Erm…..sorry, what?” she stuttered

The doctor gave her a sympathetic look, “I was just explaining that we have two options from here. You can wait until the baby miscarries naturally, or we can admit you for a surgical removal”

“Get it out. Get it out now” Emily replied immediately. Tom’s head whipped round and he stared at her,

“Em!”

Emily shot him a look, “What? There’s no point in sugar coating it is there? I’ve got a dead baby inside me and I want it out. I just want this over with” She looked back to the doctor as Tom let out a shaky breath next to her. The doctor nodded, looking slightly taken aback,

“I’m afraid we won’t be able to do anything until Monday now. But there is always the possibility it could still happen naturally in between now and then”

Emily shrugged, “I just want it over as soon as possible, I don’t care how” she’d been determined to at least hold it together until they got home, but as the words left her mouth she burst into tears again. Immediately Tom’s arm was around her, “It’s ok Darling. It's gonna be ok”

The last few minutes spent in the doctors office were a blur to Emily as Tom took charge of making the arrangements for Monday morning while trying to comfort her as she sobbed into his chest. They travelled home in the car in silence, both trying to come to terms with what had happened in the last couple of hours. Finally walking through the front door, Tom guided Emily into the living room, and disappeared into the kitchen where she heard him boiling the kettle. She sighed, looking around the room, her eyes landing on the plaster cast of their hands that Tom had now proudly displayed on a shelf. It was ridiculous and ugly. She’d never admit it to Tom as he’d been so excited by it, but she hated it. She hated the memories that flooded her mind as she looked at it - memories of them talking about their baby while they waited for the mould to dry. 

“Here we go” Tom was back, two mugs of tea in his hand. He placed them on the table and sat down next to Emily, instinctively curling his arm around her shoulders. 

“I wonder…….would the same thing have happened with our first baby if I hadn’t had an abortion? Or was that our one chance.....and we didn't take it” She mumbled. Tom sighed, pulling her closer to him, 

“Em, you can’t think like that”

“But what if this whole thing is some sort of fucking karma? Like, you had a chance to have a baby, and you didn’t want it. What if that was it, Tom? What if that was our chance?” She was crying again now, and when she looked up at Tom, his eyes were glassy too.

“We’ll try again darling. And we’ll keep trying, for as long as it takes”

Emily shook her head, “I’m thirty fucking seven, Tom! We can’t just keep trying for as long as it takes, time isn’t exactly on our side! What if it’s too late? What if I’m too old? What if we missed our chance?”

Tom hooked his finger under her chin, “Emily Hiddleston, listen to me. Whatever happens, I still love you, ok? I didn’t marry you just to have my babies, I married you because I’ve been in love with you since I was five years old, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, with or without children. Maybe we have missed our chance, who knows? But even if we have, I’ll still be the luckiest man on the planet as long as I have you. It’s you Em, and it’s always been you. You are and you always will be, the most important thing in my life”

All that did was make Emily cry harder. She really thought everything was finally working out for her and Tom, until fate had stepped in yet again and dealt them another cruel blow. But still Tom loved her unconditionally. He could have blamed her for all of this, but instead he just loved her more, even when she felt like she didn’t deserve it. 

“C’mon sweetheart, let’s take these drinks upstairs and go and get in bed. It’s been a long day” Tom whispered, brushing her hair away from her face.

Two hours later Emily started to bleed. As Tom piled the blood stained bed sheets into the washing machine, he let out a sob. He’d tried all day to be strong for Emily, he’d kept himself together as best he could while she fell apart, but now he was alone in the kitchen while she was in bed. Shutting the washing machine door, he flopped onto the cold floor and buried his head in his hands as he cried. 

Once again, their baby was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

“How are you feeling?” asked Ben, as Emily followed him into the kitchen and sat down at the table while he filled the kettle. She huffed,

“I’ve been better”

“It’s still early days, Em. Give it time” Ben sat down opposite her and smiled at her sympathetically. The day after the miscarriage, Emily had called Ben to tell him everything. Fast forward six weeks and here she was, sitting in the kitchen of her old house.

Emily shrugged, “Physically, I’m fine. I mean, it was all over in a couple of days. But me and Tom……” she trailed off and sighed, “Every time he tries to touch me, I just can’t”

She blinked and a tear trickled down her cheek, “I’ve ruined everything, Ben. I’ve lost two babies and now I can’t even let my husband touch me”

Ben looked at her wide eyed, “What, at all?”

Emily shrugged, “Just a normal hug or a kiss is ok. But as soon as things start to go further……..” she sighed and shook her head, “I just can’t, and I don’t even know why. I mean, it’s Tom. He’s fucking gorgeous! It’s not because I don’t find him attractive anymore or anything like that…….I just…….god, I don’t know”

Ben reached across the table and took her hand, “You’ve been through a lot over the last few months, physically and emotionally. I’m sure you’re not the only woman who’s felt like this. Just take it a day at a time”

“It’s so hard” Emily sniffed, “All Tom and I seem to have done is argue since the miscarraige, and it’s just horrible”

“Em, you and Tom are both hurting. Stick with him, yeah?”

Ben got up and went back to the kettle, picking it up and putting it down again, “Do you want tea? Or would you prefer wine?”

Emily smiled through her tears, “Wine. Definitely wine”

~

By the time Emily got home later she was a little tipsy. She found Tom in the kitchen, peeling potatoes for dinner. He turned and smiled at her as she wandered into the room,

“Hey you. Thought I’d cook us a nice dinner”

He dropped the last potato into a large saucepan and wiped his hands on his jeans, walking towards her, “How’s Ben?”

He leant down to kiss her and before she could reply, he frowned at her, “Have you been drinking?”

“Just a couple of glasses of wine” Emily replied, shrugging. She watched as Tom rolled his eyes and turned away from her, “What??”

“Nothing” he replied flatly

“No, come on, there’s obviously something or you wouldn’t have rolled your eyes at me like I’m some sort of naughty child” She folded her arms and leant against the door frame watching as he started tidying up the counter silently. After a couple of minutes he still hadn’t answered her.

“Tom” she barked, starting to get annoyed.

“I suggested we open a bottle of wine the other night and you said you didn’t want to”

Now it was Emily’s turn to roll her eyes, “I wasn’t in the mood the other night, but I was today”

“Not in the mood for doing anything with me at the moment” Tom mumbled, without looking at her as he turned to the sink.

Emily stared daggers at his back, “Wow, ok. I’m glad you’re in a good mood”

“I was……” Tom replied, still with his back to her.

“Well i’m sorry your wife coming home has soured it so badly” she snapped, “I should have bloody stayed out longer” she turned to walk away as Tom shouted after her.

“Maybe you should. Drown your sorrows with wine instead of talking to me, just like you did last time”

Emily stopped dead and turned back towards him, “You  _ what _ ?”

“You heard me” Tom retorted, his eyes challenging her as he stood in the middle of the kitchen with his hands on his hips. 

Emily marched into the kitchen and pulled a glass from the cupboard before going to the fridge and getting out the bottle of wine Tom had wanted them to have the other night. She could feel Tom’s watching her as she unscrewed the cap and started to pour it into her glass. She glanced across at him and back to her wine, “I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Just stop looking at me”

She heard him huff and pick the saucepan up from the hob. Turning her head she watched as he tipped the water and the potatoes into the sink and chucked the saucepan on the counter,

“What are you doing?”

“Dinner’s fucking ruined now, and I’m not hungry anymore anyway” he growled, leaning across her to grab the wine, and opening the cupboard to get his own glass.

“Fuck you, Tom. You’re sulking over a bottle of wine….. Grow up” She snarled, snatching up her glass and storming out of the room and towards their bedroom. She slammed the door behind her just to prove a point, and put her glass down on the bedside table. She hated this, all of it. Everyone said her and Tom were made for each other and nothing could ever break them, but as soon as they’d hit a bump in the road it felt like it was tearing them apart. Emily sat down on the side of the bed and put her hands to her face, trying to blink back yet more tears. Their coping mechanism for losing the baby seemed to be to take their hurt and anger out on each other which was just making both of them even more miserable. When they got married, Emily had thought all the misery and crying would be over but now it just seemed to be worse than ever. 

She sat there for a long time, lost in her thoughts until the door crept open and Tom poked his head round

“Hi” he whispered 

“Hi” Emily replied, looking at him sadly.

“Can I come in?”

She nodded and Tom opened the door fully and walked over to her slowly, crouching down in front of her and taking her hands. He looked up at her before lifting them to his lips and kissing them softly,

“I’m sorry” he whispered against her skin. 

“Me too” Emily stuttered.

Letting go of her hands, he pushed her knees apart and tipped forwards onto his knees, shuffling forwards and sliding his hands around her waist, 

“I love you…. do you still love me?”

Emily sighed, reaching out to stroke her hand down his cheek, “So much”

“Come here” Tom murmured, dipping his head to kiss her. His lips lingered on hers, as if waiting for permission to deepen the kiss. Emily opened her mouth allowing his tongue to slide against hers and Tom pulled her against him, letting out a heavy breath. His hands dipped beneath the hem of her top and started to slide up her sides toward her breasts as he kissed her harder, his breathing becoming more ragged. Suddenly Emily’s hands were on his shoulders, pushing him back as she clamped her legs back together, 

“I can’t. I…...I’m not ready”

Tom slumped back on his heels and she watched as his expression went from disappointment to frustration and then to hurt. She  _ knew _ she was hurting him every time she pushed him away, and she hated herself for it but she just couldn’t. God, what was wrong with her? She’d said herself that time wasn’t on their side if they wanted to keep trying for another baby, yet here she was pushing her ridiculously gorgeous husband away every time he tried to get intimate with her.

“I’m sorry” she stammered, crawling backwards across the bed, putting even more distance between them. 

Tom got to his feet dejectedly, “Its ok”

“Is it?” Emily questioned as he started to get undressed. He looked at her and nodded,

“Yeah. I’m pretty tired anyway” Tom replied, pulling the duvet back and climbing into bed, “Let’s just go to bed and have a cuddle, yeah”

Emily smiled at him and nodded, standing up to shed her own clothes before sliding into bed next to him. Tom extended his arm for her to rest her head on his shoulder and snuggle in against his chest. He wrapped his arm around her back and kissed the top of her head,

“Still my best friend?” He whispered

“Always” she mumbled, closing her eyes and moving impossibly closer to her husband.

~

“I’m going” Tom said flatly, cocking his head round the living room doorway to where Emily was dusting the bookshelves.

“OK” she replied, without even looking at him.

Another day, another argument. It was a blessing if they made it through a day without a row, but that didn’t happen very often. The constant tension between them was exhausting, and Tom didn’t need it today, not when he was taking part in a theatre gala show tonight.

“You’re still coming later?”

“Yes” came another abrupt answer. Tom sighed and rolled his eyes,

“Right. I’ll see you later then” he started to walk away before calling back “And try and remember how to fucking smile before you get there”

As the front door shut, Emily threw the duster across the room angrily. Tom knew exactly how to push her buttons with sarcastic comments and digs and they were constantly winding each other up. Part of her didn’t really want to go tonight but it was their first official outing since they’d got married and she couldn’t let Tom down. He’d be devastated if she wasn’t there to support him, not to mention the argument it would cause when he got home. Anyway, she  _ wanted  _ to go. She just wished they’d managed to make it through the day without an argument putting a damper on their moods. But it would be fine - their rows never lasted long, no matter how fierce they were in the heat of the moment. One of them would always apologise once they’d had some time to cool down, and then they would be back to the old Tom and Emily until the next fight. Sometimes Emily felt like she had whiplash from the way their relationship snapped backwards and forwards between love and hate. One thing Emily was sure of though was that she wouldn’t give up. They’d get through this eventually. She still loved Tom more than anything and she would never give up on him or walk away, no matter how hard it got. As long as he still wanted to be with her, she wasn’t going anywhere.

~

_ Do I need to dress up this evening? What should I wear? xx  _

** _You look beautiful in anything xx_ **

** _ _ Not helpful!! Do I need to wear a dress? xx _ _ **

** _Not if you don’t want to. Wear those blue trousers that make your bum look good enough to bite ;) xx_ **

_ No biting my bum at a theatre gala, Thomas! xx _

** _I can’t make any promises ;) Hurry up and get here, I miss you xx_ **

Emily smiled, dropped her phone on the bed and walked over to the wardrobe, taking out the blue high waisted wide leg DKNY trousers Tom had referred to in his text. Biting her lip, she studied the rows of clothes, finally selecting a semi sheer pussy bow blouse before digging out a pair of nude heels to finish the look. She pulled her hair up into a loose ponytail and let a few strands down around her face, checking her makeup one last time and then quickly slipping her clothes on. Ben would be here to pick her up any minute and she was glad he was coming with her tonight. She knew people would be looking at her so while Tom was busy it would be good to have a bit of moral support. 

Right on cue, the doorbell rang. Taking a final look in the mirror, Emily grabbed her bag and headed for the door, relieved that after their text exchange, her and Tom’s earlier argument seemed to have blown over.

On arrival at the theatre, Emily and Ben were ushered in through the stage door and guided through a rabbit warren of corridors until they were at Tom’s dressing room. Emily knocked gently and turned the handle, poking her head round the door to find Tom mid way through a script read through with the woman he was acting out his scene with. His eyes lit up the moment he saw Emily and he threw his script aside carelessly as she entered the room.

“Em! At last!” He practically knocked her off her feet with the force of his embrace but Emily just clung to him as he buried his face in her neck,

“You wore them” he mumbled

“Of course I did. No biting though” Emily replied as he released her and kissed her chastely.

“Hi, I’m Ben” came a voice from behind them. They turned to look as Ben shook the other woman’s hand.

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” Tom apologised quickly, “Em, Ben, this is Zawe. Zawe, this is Ben. And this…..” he paused to look down at Emily and slid his arm around her waist, pulling her tightly against his side, “Is my wife, Emily”

The pair exchanged greetings before suddenly they were interrupted by the theatre crew wanting Emily and Ben to take their seats in the audience so that Tom and Zawe get ready to go on stage.

“Love you” Emily hummed against Toms lips as he kissed her hard again.

“Love you too. See you after, ok?” 

As Emily turned to walk away, Tom patted her on the bottom and she turned around to grin at him and he winked back at her cheekily. God, he was gorgeous….and he was hers. She could feel eyes on her as her and Ben found their way to their seats. She felt like every female in the theatre was watching her, judging her, wishing they were her - wanting her husband in just the same way that Emily had all those years ago. Sensing her anxiousness, Ben leant in to her and patted her on the shoulder,

“You’re ok, Em. You’ve gotta get used to this”

“I never felt bothered when Tom and I were seen together before we were actually together. I guess back then people didn’t see me as important. I was just his friend so people didn’t take any notice of me”

Ben shrugged, “They’ll soon get bored. This is the first time you’ve been seen out publicly as his wife, of course people are going to be looking at you tonight” He leaned closer so no one could hear, “Just try and behave yourselves while you’re out - no screaming at each other”

Emily smirked as the lights went down, and then the actors appeared on stage. She immediately locked eyes with Tom and he gave her a barely noticeable wink before taking his place. The gala was a collection of scenes from playwrights most famous works, and Tom had a part almost at the end. Emily was so in awe of him when he was acting. She couldn’t take her eyes off him, totally immersed in every word he uttered. When the actors all came forward to take a bow, the audience all stood to applaud, and Tom caught Emily’s eye again, giving her a wide smile. She could feel people turning to look at her as she smiled back at him but she did her best to ignore them but she couldn’t wait to get away from it all and back to Tom. As the audience dispersed, Emily made her way backstage and along to Tom’s dressing room, immediately attaching herself to him when he opened the door to let her in.

“What have you done with Ben?” He asked, sitting down as Emily climbed into his lap and wound her arms around his neck.

“He’s gone to try find Zawe. He’s pretty taken with her”

Tom raised his eyebrows, “Is he now? Well she’s single……..”

“And he’s very charming” Emily added

“Watch this space then, huh?” Tom slid his hands lower on her hips, “I’ll have to thank him later for giving me some alone time with my wife…….in these trousers”

Suddenly he picked Emily up and flipped her over, dropping her down on the chaise lounge on her stomach as she squealed. He sat on her legs and leant forwards, grazing his teeth over her bum while Emily thrashed around, giggling uncontrollably,

“Tom!! I can’t go out and pose for pictures with bite marks on my arse!”

After teasing her for a few moments longer, he relented and let her turn over, immediately leaning down to kiss her deeply. Reaching for one of her hands, he guided it down his body and pressed it against the growing hardness in his trousers.

“Look what you’ve done to me” he murmured against her mouth. 

Emily froze. She whipped her hand away from him and scrabbled to sit up, kneeing Tom in the groin in her haste.

“Fuck” he cursed, clutching his balls as Emily stared at him wide eyed,

“Oh god, shit I’m sorry…...are you ok?”

She moved back towards him and went to put her hand on his shoulder but he shrugged it off as he glared at her.

“Seriously, Em……..this is starting to piss me off now”

“I-“ Emily began, But a knock at the door startled them both as a voice called, 

“Press are waiting guys, let’s go!”

Emily sighed and stood up as Tom straightened his suit out before walking towards the door and flinging it open, “Let’s go and pretend to be a happy couple for the paps” he spat, marching out the room. Emily took a few deep, shaky breaths, willing the tears not to start as she followed him back towards the theatre. As They reached the main door, Tom stopped to wait for Emily to catch him up. He held out his hand and she took it hesitantly, as Tom pushed the door open and a sea of noise and people hit them. They were directed over to a group of photographers and instructed as to where to stand, Tom now in full on actor mode, smiling and chatting with everyone and being his usual charming self as Emily stood uncomfortably next to him. As the camera's started to flash, Tom slid his arm around her waist and glanced down at her, 

“Jesus, smile will you!” He growled before turning back to the press. Emily had to do this. She had to do it for Tom. She snaked her arm around his back and did her best to smile naturally, no matter how forced it felt. After what seemed like forever, they were released and Tom was immediately pulled away for an interview. Seeing Ben loitering in a corner, she made a beeline for him and he grinned at her as she approached. His smile soon faded as he saw how miserable she looked,

“Don’t tell me you’ve had another row”

Wordlessly, Emily snatched the glass out his hand and sniffed it - whiskey. She took a large gulp and handed it back to Ben, squeezing in next to him so she could look around the room.

“I’ll take that as a yes then” Ben retorted, finishing what was left of the drink.

“So you and Zawe…….tell me about that”

Ben chuckled and shrugged, “She’s cool. We’re gonna hang out sometime, get to know each other a bit better”

Emily smiled and elbowed him affectionately as they watched the hustle and bustle of the event going on around them. Eventually finished with all interviews and networking, Tom came striding towards them.

“We’re going” he announced.

“You coming?” Emily turned to Ben, her eyes pleading with him not to leave her to deal with her irate husband. Ben held his hands up,

“I think I’ll leave you guys to it. I’m gonna go catch up with Zawe” he leant down and kissed Emily on the cheek, whispering in her ear, “Call me if you need me”

He turned to Tom and they hugged quickly before Tom was practically dragging Emily through the crowds and to the waiting car outside. They climbed in, sitting at opposite ends of the back seat and both looking out the windows as the driver pulled away. After a good ten minutes of silence, Emily glanced across at Tom, hoping for some sort of acknowledgement from him. His eyes darted sideways as he sensed her looking at him, but then he looked away again wordlessly. 

Luckily the journey home was short, and once they’d thanked the driver and made their way into the house, Tom headed for the kitchen to let Bobby out while Emily followed more slowly. When she finally joined him, he was standing with his back to her, staring out the window into the pitch black outside.

“Did you really mean what you said earlier?” She asked 

“What?” He replied, turning to her. His expression was cold, uncaring. 

“You said we were pretending to be happy”

Tom’s face seemed to soften a little as Emily continued, “Is that true? Are you only pretending? Do I make you unhappy?” Her voice broke as she spoke the last word, tears starting to trickle down her cheeks. She couldn’t bear the thought of making the man she loved miserable.

Tom took a step towards her “I'm happy sometimes”

“Sometimes……” Emily mimicked, her breath coming out in gasps as she tried to control herself and not completely lose it.

“I’m happy when you’re happy, Emily. But you’re not happy very often at the moment, are you?”

“I’m sorry” she choked, her vision blurring from the tears.

“What can I do? Tell me how to make this better, Em” 

Emily shrugged, “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I just need you to love me”

Tom reached out and rubbed his hands up and down her arms, “Darling, I’ll always love you, but you have to stop pushing me away. You’ve got to talk to me” He paused before continuing, “Do you want us to have another baby?”

Emily nodded vigorously, now crying so hard she couldn’t talk anymore. Tom hooked his finger under her chin, tilting her head up so she was looking at him,

“Then we have to get through this. We’ll take it slowly, but you have to try, Em. Will you try for me?”

“I’ll do anything for you” she choked, nodding again. 

Tom smiled at her, swiping a tear from her cheek with his thumb, “Not tonight through, ok? It’s been a long day and I think we’ve both had enough” he wrapped his arms around Emily and hugged her close to him as she clung to the lapels of his suit jacket.

“We’ll be ok, won’t we?”

“Of course we will sweetheart” he replied.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is I apologise in advance..........

They  _ were  _ trying. When things were good, they were really good. They were like they used to be. But when things were bad, that were  _ really  _ bad. Hideous, screaming rows where they hurled abuse at each other, getting more and more spiteful with each insult in an attempt to break one another. One thing they had agreed on was that they would never go to sleep on an argument. Whispered apologies in between bedtime kisses became a regular occurrence as they clung to each other, tired and frustrated. Their biggest problem was still the lack of a physical relationship. God knows Tom had been patient but sex was where everything fell apart. And now, the longer it went on, the more pressure Emily felt under, in turn just making the whole situation worse and making her recoil even more. So they were now in a vicious circle, getting nowhere. Tom couldn’t understand why this was happening and Emily didn’t know how to explain it to him, so they continued to live in a state of tension, neither of them knowing how to make things better.

~

“Em?” Came Tom’s excitable voice as he burst through the front door.

“In the kitchen!” Emily called back, smiling to herself as she finished unloading the last of the plates from the dishwasher. She turned to the doorway just as Tom entered carrying a box,

“What have you got there?” She asked as he moved towards her to give her a kiss.

“I borrowed it from Luke. It’s a Nintendo something or other…...a games console. I thought it might be fun for us to play”

He placed the box down on the table and slipped his arms around Emily’s waist,

“It might help, Em. When was the last time me and you did something fun like this? There’s a game on there where you have to copy the dance moves of the person on the screen……”

“Just Dance” Emily interrupted him, her hands resting gently on his chest.

“Yeah that’s it. It sounds fun. Let’s try it Em” 

Emily chuckled as she looked up at him, “Any excuse for you to dance!”

Tom grinned and dipped his head to kiss her again before releasing her and snatching up the box, disappearing out the room.

“Are we doing it now?” Emily called after him

“No time like the present!” His voice called back from the living room.

Ridiculous, adorable man. Times like this made Emily remember just how much she loved him. It was like the god awful hand statue all over again - when Tom got an idea in his head he got so excited about it and it was impossible to deny him. Maybe this would be fun….maybe Tom was right and this would help. Emily was willing to try anything that made Tom happy. Smiling to herself she wiped down the kitchen counter and hung the tea towel up, heading towards the living room. To her surprise Tom already had everything set up and was scrolling through the list of song options. Emily sat down next to him just as his eyes lit up as he stared at the screen. She followed his gaze and looked at the song that had got him so excited, rolling her eyes and groaning, 

“Tom, no………”

Too late. Tom had already selected it and was pulling her off the sofa and attaching the controller securely around her wrist. As they stood in front of the tv waiting for their cue, Tom nudged Emily with his elbow, 

“Ready?!”

She glanced across at him, “To win, yes”

The song started and they both mimicked the moves of the figure on the screen as best they could, their arms knocking together as they moved them to the music,

_ “I’m on tonight, you know my hips don’t lie and I’m starting to feel it’s right” _

Emily swayed her hips and glanced across at Tom and cackled,

“You look ridiculous!”

Tom looked round at her and there was a glint in his eye. He pranced closer to her and grabbed her hips, grinding against her playfully as she shrieked and grabbed his arms. Before she knew it, he’d picked her up and slung her over his shoulder, staggering around in a vain attempt to continue the routine while holding her in place with one hand. Emily was laughing so much she could barely breathe as she thumped him gently on the back in an effort to get him to put her down. Tom swaggered towards the sofa and threw her down on it, holding her down by her arms as he blew raspberries on her stomach where her top had ridden up in the tussle.

“Can’t…….breathe” Emily gasped in between fits of giggles. She felt Tom huff out a laugh against her skin before he eventually released her. She kicked at him playfully as he moved to sit down next to her on the sofa, smiling widely at her as she tried to get her breath back. 

“I think that was a bit of an optimistic warm up song” he said, turning back towards the tv as Emily sat upright and shuffled closer to him, resting her chin on his shoulder as Tom started to scroll through the songs again,

“What do you fancy?”

“You?” Emily replied. Tom stopped scrolling and turned so he was facing her. He reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear and smiled softly at her,

“Good”

Emily returned his smile, “You we’re right, this is fun…...thank you”

Tom held her cheek as he spoke, “I’d do anything to make you happy Em”

Emily closed her hand over his, “I know you would, and you  _ do  _ make me happy”

“I love you, Mrs Hiddleston”

“I love you too, Mr Hiddleston. Always”

~

There was a new rule in the Hiddleston household. Every time they had an argument or felt things were getting tense, they would put ‘Just Dance’ on. It sounded crazy but for them it worked, instantly relieving any edginess between them as they dissolved into fits of giggles at their terrible attempts to copy the little figure on the tv. Tom hadn’t pushed the intimacy side of their relationship for a while, but he was confident his patience was going to pay off soon. Emily was becoming more relaxed and he was sure that pretty soon things would start to happen again. At least he hoped so, anyway. It had been nearly five months since they’d lost the baby and he was bored of desperately tugging at his cock in the shower just for a release. He wanted Emily - he wanted to make love to his wife. 

It all came to a head a week later. It was the day of the BAFTA awards and they were both feeling a little out of sorts because Emily wasn’t attending. When the invitations had gone out, Emily had been pregnant and they’d discussed her going along but knowing her bump would be clearly visible by then, they’d decided she would pass in an attempt to keep the pregnancy to themselves until they were ready to tell the world. Obviously now that wasn’t an issue but Emily really didn’t enjoy such big public appearances so they had agreed Tom would still go alone. But they were both still a little subdued that day, remembering the original reason Tom was attending without Emily. 

Tom was trying to keep the mood light and they’d had a nice chilled day together, laying in bed until late morning just cuddling and talking. They got up eventually, had brunch and took Bobby for a long walk around Hampstead Heath. But now Tom needed to start thinking about getting ready.

He shuffled closer to where Emily was sitting on the sofa, engrossed in the latest episode of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’. She glanced across at him and smiled before turning her attention back to the tv. He leant into her, kissing her neck gently and Emily giggled and hunched her shoulders, 

“I thought you were going to have a shower”

Tom hummed, kissing her ear, “Come and join me”

He felt Emily sigh before she replied, “No, Tom”

“Why not?” Her persisted, resting his hand high on her thigh as he continued to nibble at her ear.

“You know why”

Tom huffed and sat up, “And what’s so bad about that?”

“Don’t start” Emily mumbled, her eyes still fixed on the tv. Frustration rising, Tom grabbed the controller from the table and switched the tv off,

“Can you stop watching that rubbish just for a minute and actually talk to me?”

Emily snapped her head round and glared at him, as he continued, “What have I got to do, Em? I’ve been patient, I’ve tried taking it slow, but every time you just push me away. Is it me? Don’t you find me attractive any more?”

“You’re being ridiculous” Emily spat, trying to grab for the tv control but Tom shook his head and held it out of her reach, 

“Am I though?. Don’t you see how this is making me feel Em? Don’t you  _ care _ ?”

“Of course I care! God, this isn’t just about you” Emily yelled as Tom stood up, pacing the room, 

“It’s not all about you either! You keep telling me you want to have another baby, but how the fuck do you expect that to happen when we haven’t had sex for  _ months _ !”

“I thought you understood” Emily hissed.

Tom shrugged, “I thought I did, but maybe I was wrong. Jesus, we wouldn't even be in this position if you hadn’t gone behind my back and got rid of our baby three years ago!”

Emily stared at him for a few seconds before she spoke, “Get out.”

She grabbed the nearest cushion off the sofa and hurled it towards Tom as she screamed, “GET OUT!”

Dodging the cushion, Tom stormed around the edge of the table,

“Don’t worry, I’m going” he growled, heading for the bathroom. He took his time in the shower, trying to calm down. He knew he shouldn’t have said what he did about the baby, but something inside him had snapped today and he couldn’t take this anymore. Emily had been through a lot and he got that, but he felt like his feelings had been forgotten and he really was starting to believe Emily just didn’t want him anymore. He let out a quiet sob, rubbing at his eyes frustratedly. God, what a mess this was. 

~

Tom was running late. He’d already had a call to say the car was waiting outside. He straightened his tie in the bedroom mirror and headed for the main part of the house. Emily glanced up from where she was still sat on the sofa as he walked past her,

“It’s four years, not three”

“What?” He stopped and looked round at her.

“It’s four years since I had the abortion. Not three like you said earlier” she repeated sadly.

Tom sighed, “Em, I’m sorry but I haven’t got time to talk about this now, the cars already waiting for me outside. We’ll talk later”

He moved towards her and leant down to kiss her goodbye but she turned her face away and shrugged, “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about, really”

“Em….” Tom began, but Emily shook her head,

“Just go, Tom. I won’t wait up for you tonight”

Tom stood upright, “But we never go to sleep on an argument”

Emily climbed off the sofa and started to walk away from him towards the kitchen, 

“I won’t wait up for you tonight, Tom”

He sighed, “Fine. Whatever. I’ll see you tomorrow then”

Without waiting for an answer he strode towards the door, slamming it behind him and getting into his car. 

~ 

Awards ceremonies were tedious affairs sometimes, particularly if you weren’t actually nominated for any awards. The red carpet, the hoards of press…...it was exhausting at the best of times, but today Tom really wasn’t in the mood for this. Even more so when he took his seat inside and minutes later saw Taylor Swift being seated a few rows in front of him. He groaned inwardly and rubbed his temples, cursing whoever had made the seating plan. He really didn’t need a run in with his ex girlfriend to add to the hideousness of today as well. But he was pretty sure she hadn’t seen him yet and if he could just manage to avoid her until this was over then he could escape quietly. He’d go to the after party for a quick drink just to show his face and then he’d disappear as soon as he could and go home. But on second thoughts, what was there to go home to? Fuck it, maybe he’d stay on, have a few drinks and enjoy himself, god knows he deserved it. So when the award ceremony finished he headed off to the after party, making the most of the complimentary bar. He worked the room, catching up with people he hadn’t seen for a while, knocking back drink after drink as he did so. He was standing at the bar patiently waiting to be served when he heard a familiar voice behind him,

“Hello stranger”

Tom took a breath and forced a smile before turning around, “Taylor….hi”

She grinned and took a seat at the bar next to him, “I wasn’t expecting to see you here alone tonight. Where’s Emily?”

Tom sighed, “She, um…...she couldn’t be here tonight”

Taylor raised an eyebrow at him but didn’t push the topic any further. They fell into a surprisingly easy conversation as the bartender kept refilling their glasses, chatting about what they’d both been doing over the past few years and Tom found himself laughing as Taylor shared a story with him about some things that had happened on her recent tour. He wasn’t sure if it was the amount of alcohol he’d consumed, but he was enjoying himself - enjoying Taylor’s company. She was so full of life and enthusiastic, it was like a breath of fresh air after the last few months of disquiet that he’d been living in. She’d taken his mind off of his problems, off of Emily, and it was a welcome distraction.

“So how’s married life treating you?” Taylor asked. Tom had known it was coming - he’d sensed she was curious after his vague excuse for Emily’s absence earlier.

“S’hard” He slurred, shrugging his shoulders defeatedly. His head was swimming with alcohol and he couldn’t keep up this front that everything was ok tonight.

Taylor frowned at him sympathetically, tilting her head to one side, “Trouble in paradise?”

Tom looked into his lap and nodded once before answering, “Yeah, you could say that”

Suddenly Taylors hand was on his thigh, “Sounds like you need to let loose a bit”

Tom looked up at her as she slid off her stool and leant forwards to whisper in his ear,

“I’m heading back to my hotel now. My car will be around the back waiting for you if you want to join me”

Her breath on his ear sent shivers through his body as she gave him a knowing smile before turning and walking away. Tom watched her go, his mind reeling. Then he reached for his drink, swallowing the contents in one large gulp and stood up, quickly heading in the same direction Taylor had gone.

~

They sat in the car in silence, Tom getting more and more fidgety and impatient as the journey went on. The alcohol coursing through his body was having its usual effect on him and his libido was taking over. It had been so long since he’d had sex, and he  _ needed _ this. It didn’t have to mean anything, it was just a means to an end - a way to get the release he’d been desperate for. And if his wife wasn’t gonna give it to him he had to get it somewhere else. As the car pulled up in the underground car park of the hotel, Taylor looked across at him and smiled. They climbed out the car and he followed her through the entrance towards the escalator. They stood a respectable distance apart, waiting for the doors to close, Tom staring at them angrily hoping that in some way that would make them go quicker. He was like a coiled spring, a mixture of anxiety and anticipation of what he was about to do and unable to think about anything other than his own pleasure. As the elevator doors opened, Taylor reached for his hand and started to lead him down the corridor. But as he followed, his throat began to tighten and a feeling of uneasiness started to wash over him. He was sobering up very quickly. As Taylor opened the door to her room and walked in, Tom froze in the doorway. His skin was clammy, his head was spinning and his legs felt like lead. He tried to keep walking, but he couldn’t - this was wrong…….this was all wrong.

“Hey! Are you gonna come in and shut that door?” Taylor purred, walking back towards him seductively.

Swallowing hard, Tom took a step back, “ I can’t”

Taylor stopped and stared at him, “What?”

“I can’t do this……..I…...I have a wife..” Tom raised his eyes to the ceiling and ran his hand through his hair as his conscience regained control, “Jesus, I have a  _ wife. _ I can’t do this…….I’m sorry”

He started walking backwards until he hit the opposite wall of the corridor and then he turned and walked as fast as he could without looking back. He could hear Taylor calling after him but he didn’t stop, her voice only pushing him to move quicker, to get the hell out of there. Too impatient to wait for the lift, he took the stairs , striding across the foyer and out into the cold night air. He looked around frantically in search of a cab and spotting one parked just across the road he ran for it, opening the door and throwing himself in,

“Haverstock Hill” he barked as the driver eyed him cautiously before giving him a nod and starting the engine. Tom dropped his head back against the seat and let out a deep breath. What the hell had he been thinking? How had he even contemplated cheating on Emily after everything they’d been through? The only blessing was that he’d come to his senses before he’d actually done anything because he knew that if he had, he would of instantly regretted it. He would never have been able to forgive himself for betraying Emily, the woman he loved. God, he’d spent thirty odd years of his life infatuated with her and now he finally had her but at the first opportunity he’d almost ruined it all. Not to mention that if she’d ever found out what he’d done……...he shivered at the thought of the damage he could have caused. But he  _ hadn’t. _ He’d come to his senses before it was too late and now he could just forget this whole evening had ever happened.

The cab pulled up outside his house and he tipped the driver generously, quickly climbing out the car and jogging up to the front door. He glanced at his watch to realise it was past 1am. He turned the key softly, trying to make as little noise as possible and crept into the house, shaking his suit jacket off as he went, followed by his tie and then his shoes. Chucking them all over the back of the sofa and telling himself he would sort them out in the morning, he tiptoed towards the bedroom and pushed the door open. Emily was curled up on her side, fast asleep so Tom quietly shed his remaining clothes and pulled the covers back gently, sliding into bed next to her. He shuffled in behind her and wrapped his arm around her waist, kissing her shoulder softly as she hummed contentedly in her sleep. 

“I love you so much” he whispered, getting himself comfortable as he held her, before he drifted off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

When Tom woke up the next morning the bed next to him was empty. As he reached out and ran his hand over the sheets where his wife should be, the headache hit him and along with it the events of the previous night. He groaned and sat up slowly, rubbing his hands through his hair. He was just about to swing his legs out of bed when Emily appeared in the doorway with a mug in each hand. Realising he was awake, she stopped and smiled nervously at him,

“Morning”

Tom exhaled heavily as he looked at her. She was wearing nothing but thick socks that bunched around her ankles and one of his hoodies which stretched halfway down her thighs. Even like this, she took his breath away. 

“Morning sweetheart” he croaked.

Encouraged by the greeting, Emily walked forwards again, placing one of the mugs down next to Tom and set the other down on her side, climbing onto the bed. Tom watched her as she hugged her knees to her chest and looked at him,

“How was last night?”

Trying to keep his face neutral, Tom nodded, “It was ok. Nothing exciting”

Emily didn’t respond for a few moments but then she smiled and reached out, running her hand through his hair,

“You’re hair’s sticking up in about 5 different directions” she chuckled, flattening it down and then leaning over to pick up her mug. She took a sip of the steaming coffee and looked back at Tom, taking a deep breath,

“We need to talk. Or rather, I need to talk”

Tom nodded slowly, picking up his own mug and taking a sip, “ok”

Emily reached out and took his free hand, “I feel like we’re destroying each other and I can’t go on like this”

Tom stared at her, “Wh-what do you mean?”

Emily finished the last of her coffee and put her mug back on the table, “I was thinking about everything last night while you were out. You were right - this is all my fault”

“Em, I should never have said that. I don’t-“ Tom began. He was starting to panic. What was Emily trying to say? Was she about to announce their marriage was over?

“Please, just listen” Emily interrupted, watching as paused and nodded before she continued, “I’ve been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t think about how you were coping with it all. You were having to be strong for me as well as yourself and I should have recognised that. I’m sorry…….I’m so sorry” She began to cry and Tom instinctively reached for her, pulling her forwards and wrapping his arms around her, “I’m gonna make it up to you, I promise. Everything’s gonna be different now” she murmured in between sobs.

Tom breathed a sigh of relief, “I thought you were about to say you were leaving me”

Emily flung herself backwards to stare at him, “What?! No…….god no. I couldn’t…...I can’t live without you”

Tom lifted his hand and brushed a tear off her cheek, “You never have to, darling. We’re in this together, right? For better or worse”

“I really am sorry” Emily choked, as she crawled into his lap and buried her face in his shoulder. Tom kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tight, 

“I’m sorry too. It’s ok, Em. Everything’s gonna be ok”

Emily lifted her head and smiled at him, “Yes, it is. Starting from now”

Her hand slid from his shoulder down his bare chest as she pressed her lips against his, immediately dipping her tongue into his mouth. She shifted in his lap so she was straddling him and cautiously Tom dipped his hands under the hoodie, resting them on the bottom of her back as his cock started to harden .Emily pulled back and smiled smugly at him as she tugged the hoodie over her head to reveal her naked body underneath. She reached for Tom hand and guided it from her back to her breast, looking back at him. Tom’s eyes darted between her face and his hand as he drew in a shaky breath. He circled her nipple with his thumb and Emily’s eyes fluttered shut as she wound her hands around his neck and let out a small moan,

“Kiss me. Please, just kiss me” she breathed. Tom didn’t need to be told twice. Grabbing her around the waist he flipped her onto her back and settled himself on top of her, searing their mouths back together. Emily’s hands grabbed at his back in a desperate need to have him closer and he ground against her causing them both to moan again.

“Are you sure about this Em?” Tom mumbled against her lips. Although he was desperate for this after so long, he didn’t want her to do it if she wasn’t ready and it was only to keep him happy.

“Mmmmhmmm……..want you…….need you” Emily hummed into his mouth, sliding her hands down his back and tucking them under the waistband of his boxers. Putting all his weight onto one arm Tom tried to shove his boxers down as he nibbled at Emily's bottom lip, but even with her help he was struggling. He growled frustratedly and sat up, tugging them the rest of the way over his hips and balancing precariously on the bed as he maneuvered them over his knees and finally pulled them off. Sitting back on his heels he reached forwards and hooked his fingers under the waistband of Emily’s knickers, peeling them slowly down her thighs. She watched him silently, biting on her lip as she lifted her feet up to allow him to remove them completely and throw them off the bed. Tom dipped his head and kissed along her hip bone, up her stomach and took her nipple into his mouth, circling it with his tongue. Emily hissed and tangled her hands into his hair as he flicked his tongue over the sensitive nub, relishing the way her breathing hitched. Trailing a hand down her body, he gently stroked across her clit before nudging a finger into her and Emily moaned as her back arched off the bed. He couldn’t wait any longer, his cock was painfully hard and he needed to be inside her. He withdrew his finger and lifted his head, kissing along her jaw until his mouth was back on hers and he was easing into her slowly, savouring the feeling of how good it felt. He didn’t move for a moment, worried that the second he did he would come. Emily wriggled desperately underneath him, lifting her hips in an attempt to encourage him. Cautiously he started to move, desperately trying to hold back the orgasm that he could already feel building. Releasing her mouth he pressed his forehead against hers,

“I might not last very long”

“You and me both” Emily stuttered, searching out his mouth and kissing him again. Slowly he pulled out of her and edged back in, his breathing rugged. Tom’s slow, shallow thrusts soon became more frantic as they moaned into each other’s mouths and he seconds later he felt Emily clenching around him. Her nails dug in his back as she screamed and that was all it took to have Tom crying out too as he spilled inside her. They lay still for a moment, both trying to catch their breath but eventually Tom lifted his head and smiled at Emily, leaning down to kiss her languidly before flopping down onto the mattress next to her. They both turned to face each other, intertwining their fingers as they both smiled. Emily glanced down and rolled her eyes, letting out a chuckle.

“What?” Tom asked

“I’ve still got my socks on!” She shrieked hysterically before dissolving into a fit of giggles. Tom laughed as he watched her, her cheeks flushed, hair a mess and tears of laughter in her eyes, and he didn’t think he’d ever loved her more than he did at that moment. 

~

“Have you seen my phone?” Emily asked

Next to her, Tom grunted. His face was buried in her neck, his arm tightly wrapped around her waist and his leg slung heavily across her hers. He was half asleep and on a post coital high after they’d spent the last few hours making up for all the months they’d lost. 

“I think I left it in the living room last night” Emily mumbled thoughtfully and Tom groaned as she detached herself from him and slipped out of the bed. He rolled onto his back and watched as she left the room, reappearing a few moments later with her phone in her hand.

“Battery’s dead” she announced, dropping it on the bedside table and sitting down on the edge of the bed while she searched the floor for her charger. 

Tom sighed, “I should probably take Bobby out for a walk”

He watched as Emily located the charger and plugged it into her phone. He sat up and crawled across the bed, settling behind her and kissing her shoulder, “How about I get us something really nice for brunch while I’m out?”

Emily hummed, turning her head towards him, “That’s a lovely idea”

Tom strained his neck forwards so he could meet her lips for a kiss before climbing out of bed and starting to get dressed. He pointed a finger at Emily,

“You, stay there. I’m bringing you brunch in bed”

Emily smiled at him as she leant back against the headboard, “Fine by me. I’ll just lay here and catch up on today’s news…...when my phone actually charges enough to turn back on”

“I’m sure one of the Kardashians has done something newsworthy in the last 12 hours” Tom joked, leaning down to kiss her again, “I won’t be too long. Love you”

“I love you more!” Emily retorted as Tom walked towards the door.

“Not possible” he shouted over his shoulder.

~

There was a definite spring in Toms step as he practically skipped around Primrose Hill with Bobby, thinking about what food was going to pick up. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he realised he hadn’t switched it back on this morning, so he powered it up and called Bobby back to him as they neared the road again, ready to head to the shops. The minute his phone started up, it went crazy with hundreds of notifications and Tom stopped to study it but his screen was updating quicker than he could read it. He opened his messages and frowned at the barrage of new ones from Luke sent over the last few hours,

_ Dude, what the fuck? We need to talk ASAP. Call me. _

_ Tom, where are you? Call me please. _

_ Mate, I’m juggling an absolute shitstorm here, but I expect you are too. Please call me as soon as you can. I hope everything’s ok. _

_ TOM. CALL ME. NOW!!!!! _

What shitstorm? Tom was about to call Luke back but Luke beat him to it as his phone lit up with a call from his manager,

“I was about to call you back. Sorry my phone’s been off all morning” he apologised as he started walking again.

“Yeah, no shit. I’ve called you like five hundred times. Are you ok? Where are you?” Luke sounded panicked which was very unlike him. He was usually totally unflappable.

“I’m fine. I’m just out with Bobby. Me and Em had a bit of a lie in this morning” Tom replied, smiling to himself at the thought of the last few hours as Luke cursed on the other end of the line,

“You don’t even know, do you? Tom, there’s pictures all over the tabloids of you coming out of Taylor’s Swifts hotel at nearly 1am this morning! What the  _ fuck  _ were you doing there?!”

Tom froze. He hadn’t even seen any paps when he left, but he’d been in such a rush to get away he wouldn’t even have noticed if one had been hiding somewhere. God, how could he have been so stupid? Of course there were going to be press there. 

“Emily” He stammered. 

“Mate, get home  _ now”  _ Luke ordered, “I’ll do some damage control here but if she doesn’t know yet, you need to get to her before she finds out”

“I’ll call you back” He blurted, hanging up as he started to run.

~

When Emily’s phone  _ finally  _ powered on, she rearranged the pillows on the bed and sunk into them, as her phone lit up like a Christmas tree with social media notification and texts and missed calls from Ben.

_ Em, are you ok? _

_ Talk to me please, I need to know what’s going on. _

_ Em, where are you? I would come to the house but I don’t want to make things worse. Call me, please. _

Emily pulled a face at the weird messages and quickly hit call. Ben picked up after one ring,

“Em, thank god. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine” Emily chuckled, “My phone died overnight and I’ve only just switched it back on, that’s all!”

“Shit. Have you not seen the news?”

“No, I rang you back first! What’s the news?”

Ben blew out a heavy breath, “Oh god. Em, it’s Tom. He’s all over the internet”

“What? He’s been with me all morning!”

“Not today…..last night. It’s pictures from last night. Fuck, I don’t know how to tell you this”

Emily could feel panic rising in her chest, “Ben, what’s he done?”

The line went silent for a few seconds before Ben spoke again, “He was caught leaving Taylor Swift's hotel in the early hours of this morning”

Emily’s whole body stiffened as she tried to comprehend what Ben had just told her. No…...this had to be wrong, this was a mistake. Tom wouldn’t do that. 

“Em? Are you still there?”

“I’ve got to go” She stuttered, hanging the phone up and opening her web browser. Typing in the website of the first newspaper that came to mind, 

She watched as images of her husband filled the screen. Blurry eyed, messy haired, but undoubtedly Tom. At Taylor Swift's hotel. At 1am.

~

“EMILY!” Tom bellowed as he burst through the door. He dropped Bobby's lead and ran towards the bedroom, stopping in the doorway as Emily looked up from the full suitcase that was lying on the bed. He eyes were red and bloodshot and her cheeks were wet with tears as she glared at him before turning her attention back to piling things into the case.

“You’ve seen it” he sighed

“I’ve seen it” she confirmed quietly, her voice trembling.

“Wh-what are you doing?”

“What do you think I’m doing?” She spat, closing the lid of the case and starting to zip it up.

“It’s not what it looks like……..”

Emily smirked and shook her head, “Don’t, Tom. Just don’t”

She hauled the suitcase off the bed and started towards him to the door but Tom stood his ground in the doorway, blocking her exit,

“Em, let me explain” He moved to stop her as she attempted to get past him, reaching out for her,

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Emily screamed, pushing him away from her as she started to cry again, “Why, Tom? Why with  _ her  _ of all people?”

“I didn’t” Tom began but Emily cut him off,

“LIAR!” she roared. Tugging the case behind her she managed to push past him and out the door. He followed her as she went to the hallway and picked up her shoes, walking back towards the living room.

“Where are you going?”

“Home” she replied bluntly, sitting down on the sofa to put them on.

“But this is your home”

Emily looked up at him and shook her head, “Not any more”

Tom sat down on the sofa opposite her, his voice breaking as he spoke,

“Em, no. Don’t say that, please. Don’t go”

Emily sighed as she looked at him, her face a mixture of anger and sadness, “I can’t stay”

Tom shuffled closer to her, reaching for her hands but thinking better of it and instead placing them on his knees, “You  _ can.  _ Please, Emily. I can explain everything. Please, stay”

Emily glared at him, “You went out last night, and you slept with your ex girlfriend. You then came home and not even twelve hours later, slept with me”

“I didn’t-”

“You  _ sat  _ there and let me pour my heart out to you and apologise for everything. You let me think we were going to be ok”

“We are!” Tom insisted, “I didn’t sleep with her, Em, I promise you. I didn’t do anything”

Emily scrubbed at her eyes, “Then what were you doing there?”

“I…..” Tom started. How could he even begin to explain that even though he hadn’t done anything with Taylor in the end, he’d gone to her hotel with the full intention of sleeping with her. How could he tell that to his wife, who he’d left at home alone after they’d argued, who’d been dealing with the loss of a baby again, albeit in different circumstances. How could he admit to her that he’d been there to betray her, to disregard their wedding vows and ruin everything they’d wanted for so many years…..That in that moment he hadn’t even considered her. How could he have been so damn  _ stupid?  _ He sighed and looked at Emily, shaking his head.

Tight lipped, she nodded, “Just as I thought”

She stood up and walked towards the door, Tom in hot pursuit, 

“Em, wait! Please”

“You know what?” She hissed, spinning round to look at him, “You haven’t even said sorry”

She reached for the door handle and Tom stopped her, placing his hand over hers, 

“Let. Me. Go” she growled.

“Of course I’m sorry! But I didn’t do anything! Don’t go Em, don’t leave me” his vision was blurred now, his eyes full of tears, “I can’t lose you”

“You already have” she replied coldly, shrugging his hand away and opening the door, pulling her suitcase across the drive towards her car. 

Tom wanted to follow her, but his legs wouldn't move. His body was rooted to the spot, unable to do anything to prevent Emily from going. All he could do was stand in the doorway watching as she put her case in the boot and walked around to the drivers door, 

“I love you” he called. 

Emily paused with the door open and turned to look at him, her own face streaked with tears,

“Do you?” she challenged. Before Tom could answer, she’d climbed into the car and started the engine, and Tom was watching her pull off the drive and disappear. 

He stood in the doorway, staring at the empty drive, his mind racing. Taking a shaky breath, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his call log, hitting the green button and lifting it to his ear.

“Tom? You ok?” Luke answered after one ring.

He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out apart from a sob. He closed his eyes and dropped his head forwards, running his free hand through his hair.

“Tom? You there mate?”

“She’s gone” he stuttered, his voice barely a whisper, “Emily’s left me”

  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

When Ben opened the door Emily looked up at him sadly,

“Can I come home please?”

Ben sighed, “Of course you can” 

He opened his arms and Emily fell into him, sobbing loudly, “Oh Em…...I’m so sorry. Come on, let’s get inside”

He released her and leant forwards to grab her case, encouraging her into the house. Leaving the case at the bottom of the stairs, Ben guided her towards the living room and they both sat down on the sofa. He reached out and rubbed her arm sympathetically,

“You ok?”

Emily bit her lip, trying so hard not to cry again, “No. No I’m not. How could he do this to me? I thought…….” she paused and shrugged, “It doesn’t matter what I thought, does it? Not any more”

“What did he say?”

“He told me nothing happened”

Ben raised an eyebrow, “So what was he doing there?”

Emily shook her head sadly, “That’s what I asked him but he couldn’t answer”

Ben leant back on the sofa and blew out a breath, shaking his head, “I’m in shock, Em. I don’t know what to say”

“You know the worst thing?” Emily spoke quietly, looking down at her hands where she was playing with her wedding ring, spinning it around her finger, “We had sex this morning for the first time in months……..”

Ben raised his eyes to the ceiling and ran his hands through his hair, “Oh, Emily. I’m sorry”

“It was such a big thing for me to be intimate with him again, you know? To knock the last brick out of that wall I’d built. I did it for him, because I wanted him to be happy…..I wanted us to move on”

Ben placed a reassuring hand on her knee, “So what happens now? What are you going to do?”

Before Emily could answer, they were both startled by a loud, urgent knock on the front door.

“Stay there” Ben mumbled, getting up quickly to go and answer. Emily tipped her head back on the sofa and closed her eyes, freezing as she heard a familiar voice talking to Ben, 

“I need to see her” Tom’s voice was desperate

“Mate, you are in no place to come here making demands. You’re fucking lucky I haven’t smacked you square in that perfect face of yours. What the fuck were you thinking? How could you do this to her?”

“Let me see her, Ben”

“What if she doesn’t want to see you?”

“She’s my fucking  _ wife _ ”

“Yeah well maybe you should have remembered that last night”

Their voices were getting more and more tense and Emily really didn’t want a fight on her front doorstep, so with a sigh she pushed herself off the sofa and walked slowly towards the front door where the two men were staring defiantly at each other. As she approached they both looked at her, Tom immediately trying to step forwards only to be halted by Ben, causing them to recommence their glaring match. Emily placed her hand on Bens arm,

“It’s ok, Ben. Give us a minute”

Reluctantly, Ben moved aside, “I’ll be in the kitchen”. He shot Tom another look before turning and walking away, leaving Tom and Emily looking at each other silently.

“Em…..” he whispered eventually, his eyes brimming with tears. Emily shook her head,

“Not here”

Wordlessly she moved towards the living room, hearing Tom shut the front door and follow her. She stood at the far end of the room looking out the window as he entered, pushing the door closed behind him.

“Emily” He repeated, moving towards her but she held her hand up, stopping him in his tracks,

“Don’t. Don’t come any closer”

His shoulders slumped and he blinked a couple of times, “Come home, please”

Looking away from him and out of the window, she folded her arms and shook her head, “I can’t”

“Please, Em. Come home so we can talk”

“We can talk here”

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Tom sink down on to the sofa, resting his elbows on his knees, “I  _ want _ you to come home. I want to work this out”

“I wanted that too” Emily walked slowly across the room, not really knowing where she was going, but she needed to move, “I would have done anything for you, you know? Anything. Do you know how hard it was for me to take that final step this morning, to let you back in? To let go of everything that had happened over the last few months? I did that for  _ you _ , because I wanted to make you happy”

Finally she turned him, meeting his eyes which were just as wet as hers, “Why, Tom? Why did you do it? With  _ her _ ? She’s already come between us once, and you’ve let her do it again. Why couldn’t you just hold on? Why couldn't you hold on for us?” her voice was nothing more than a shaky whisper now, as she tried to keep her breathing under control and not collapse into a sobbing mess right there on the living room floor.

“I didn’t sleep with her” Tom replied, “You have to believe me, Em. I didn’t. I promise you”

Emily shook her head, “I don’t know what to believe any more”

“Darling-“ Tom began, but Emily held her hand up to silence him, 

“Just stop talking, Tom. Please” she started to chew at her fingernail as she paced the room while Tom watched her nervously. After a few moments she stilled, folding her arms back across her chest, “If you didn’t sleep with her, what were you doing there, Tom?”

She watched as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, suddenly unable to look at her as a tear trickled down his cheek, “Tell me the truth Tom, please” she choked. His jaw stiffened and he let out a deep breath, nodding his head once before looking at her,

“Will you sit down? I’ll tell you everything, please just sit down with me”

Huffing, Emily unfolded her arms and walked over to the sofa, seating herself just out of Tom’s reach. He looked at her with pleading eyes, as though he was going to ask her to move closer but he didn’t speak, just looked at her. His eyes roamed her face, as if they were searching for some kind of reassurance. Eventually he looked back into his lap and took a deep breath, readying himself to start talking, “I wasn’t even going to go to the after party. I wanted to come home and talk to you, sort things out after we argued. But the stubborn part of me refused to give in and be the one to apologise again. So I had a few drinks…..well, more than a few. I was pretty drunk and you know what I get like when I’ve had a drink” he glanced at Emily like he was expecting some validation or agreement but she just watched him, waiting for him to continue.

“I swear I didn’t even know she was going to be there. I tried to avoid her all evening but she caught me at the bar, I didn’t even see her coming……we talked for ages, just normal stuff and it was fine. But then she asked about you. She could tell there was something wrong. She said I needed to let off some steam”

Emily drew in a sharp breath and Tom stopped again, his throat starting to tighten and his eyes stinging from tears. He didn’t know how he was going to tell Emily what he’d nearly done, all he did know was that he couldn’t look at her as he uttered the words that were going to break her heart and tear their wedding vows to shreds. Tapping his feet nervously, he put his head in his hands and closed his eyes,

“She invited me to go home with her, and I did”

Next to him, he heard Emily start to crumble. Her breath was coming out in gasps as she whimpered weakly. He lifted his head and met her eyes immediately as her shoulders hunched and her body started to shake from the intensity of the sobs that were forcing their way out of her chest. This was a moment that he knew would haunt him for the rest of his life - the moment that he broke his wife’s heart.

“You fucked her” Emily croaked, “Say it, Tom. I need to hear you  _ say it _ ”

Tom shook his head vigorously, reaching out for her but she shrugged his hand away, launching herself off the sofa and striding across the room to her place at the window, with her back to him. 

“I didn’t! I got to her room and I…..I couldn’t do it Em! I couldn’t do it to you. I turned around and left straight away” he moved towards her and held her arms, turning her around as she fought against him, crying hysterically. He gripped her elbows tightly as she started to beat her fists against his chest, letting out something between a wail and a scream.

“I couldn’t do it, Em, I  _ didn’t  _ do it! I love  _ you,  _ I want  _ you _ ! _ ”  _ He shouted over her, wrestling to hold onto her as she thumped him over and over before suddenly curling in on herself as all the anger drained from her body and she started to sob again, collapsing against him. Instinctively Tom wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly as she gasped for air and her body trembled. They didn’t move or speak for a long time, both too engulfed in their own grief to do anything but cling to each other and cry. As their sobs gradually subsided, Tom pressed his lips to the top of her head and stroked her hair as his eyes stung and his throat hurt.

“I’m sorry…... I’m sorry” he whispered, “I love you, so much”

“I love you too” Emily whimpered.

Tom pulled her closer to him, rubbing his hands soothingly up and down her back, “Come home, Em. Please”

Suddenly Emily was wriggling out of his arms and pushing him away, backing across the room, “I can’t”

“But you said-“ Tom stuttered as Emily looked at him incredulously,

“But I said that I loved you? Do you think that makes everything ok?”

“Emily, I didn’t do it, I didn’t sleep with her!”

Emily looked at him, her bottom lip starting to tremble again, “But you were going to. You went back to her hotel with the sole intention of having sex with her”. She sighed and paced across the room, retaking her seat on the sofa. Neither of them said anything for a few moments, Tom unable to find any words to defend his actions. He’d fucked up and there was nothing he could say to make it better, so he watched Emily as she sat with her head in her hands. Eventually she looked up, but not at Tom. She gazed vacantly across the room as she finally spoke again, “I can’t trust you anymore”

“Sweetheart, please” Tom sunk down onto the sofa next to her, reaching out for her hands but she scooted away from him, shaking her head, 

“No, Tom. Don’t make this even harder” she glanced away from him, her eyes darting around the room before she let out a hollow chuckle, “We haven’t even been married a year”

“I’ll make it up to you…...please Em, I’m begging you” Tom moved closer to her again, grabbing her hands before she could move, “Don’t do this”

Emily looked down to where their hands were resting in her lap, and back up to Tom, “All my life, you’ve been the one person I could rely on. You were my rock, the one person I’ve always felt safe with. You were my  _ home _ ” her voice broke and she let out a sob, “I’ve loved you with every bone in my body, every fibre of my being since I was a child. No one ever even came close to you…..you were it for me”

“Em” Tom choked, blinking rapidly to try and clear his vision as he clung to her, knowing that when he let go, he might never be able to get her back. Emily sighed and squeezed his hands, 

“You broke my heart, Tom. You broke us”

She removed her hands from his, and reached for the rings on her left hand, sliding them off her finger.

“No…….No no no no no” Tom stuttered as he watched her with wide eyes, “Emily……you can’t-this can’t be it”

She retook his hand, turning it palm up and placing the rings into it, squeezing his fingers briefly,

“It is” she whispered, folding his fingers back over the rings. Without looking at him, she stood up and walked out the room, her eyes firmly fixed on the floor as Tom dissolved into tears, clutching her engagement and wedding rings to his chest.

~ 

The world had vanished, time had stopped, nothing mattered anymore. The pain wasn’t just emotional, it was physical too and it tore through Tom’s body like a poison. He knew he needed to leave, but he couldn't move, he couldn't think, and he could barely breathe he was crying so hard. He didn’t even know how long he’d been curled up in a ball on Emily’s sofa, praying that this was all a horrible nightmare that he would wake up from at any minute. When he heard someone enter the room he snapped his head round, desperately hoping it was Emily. Instead he found Ben approaching him with two tumblrs of what looked like whiskey. He sat down opposite him and held one of the glasses out to him,

“Thought you could do with this”

Tom took the glass from him and Ben delved his hand into his pocket, pulling out a handful of tissues, holding those towards him as well, 

“And these”

Tom let out a half chuckle, half sob as he plucked the tissues from Ben’s hand, setting his glass down on the table and immediately blowing his nose a couple of times and then swiping one across his damp cheeks, “Thanks”

He shoved the dirty tissues into his pocket and picked up his glass, lifting it to his lips and downing the liquid in one mouthful. He winced as it burnt his raw throat, shivering as he returned the glass to the table and glanced up at Ben who was sipping his whiskey more reservedly. He sighed and shook his head, 

“What were you thinking, Tom?”

“Ben, I didn’t do it” he stuttered, “I promise you, I didn’t touch her”

Ben nodded, “I know, Emily told me. But even so mate,  _ why?  _ Why would you even  _ think _ about doing that?”

Tom ran his hand through his hair and shrugged, feeling his throat tightening again and new tears starting to form, “I fucked up. I fucked everything up”

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to get a handle on his emotions. He felt Ben move on the sofa, and then there was a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it sympathetically.

“She wants you to leave mate. I’m sorry”

Tom just nodded, not trusting himself to speak without breaking down again. He got to his feet and turned to Ben as he did the same, holding Emily rings out towards him,

“These belong to her. I know she doesn’t want to wear them anymore but…” he paused to take a breath, “I don’t need any more reminders of what I’ve lost. I gave them to her so they’re hers to keep or sell or whatever she wants to do”

Ben took them, nodding solemnly as he slid them into the top pocket of his shirt. They walked silently towards the door, Tom trying to steal a glance towards the kitchen in the hope of seeing Emily, but the room was empty - she must have gone upstairs at some point. 

“Tell her if she wants to see Bobby at all, just let me know. She can have him for a few days like she used to”

Ben nodded again, “I will mate. Give it a week or so for the dust to settle a bit and me and you can go for a drink if you want. I’ll call you, yeah?”

“You mean…...you’re not taking her side? We’re still friends?” Tom stuttered

Ben chuckled, “I’m not taking sides in this, Tom. It’s between you and Emily. You’re both my friends. Although I should point out that I’m pretty pissed off with you right now. I think you’re an absolute idiot and I meant it when I said you’re lucky I haven’t smacked you one”

They both chuckled and there was a moment of silence before Tom looked to the ground, kicking at the doormat gently, “I won’t give up on her, Ben”

Ben smiled, “I know”

Tom glanced around one last time and took a deep breath, “Well I guess I should go then”

Ben moved towards him and gave him a hug. Tom went easily, closing his eyes and letting himself be comforted by the other man,

“Look after her for me” he whispered.

“I’ll do my best” Ben replied, patting him on the back before releasing him and smiling.

There was nothing else left here, no more reason for Tom to stay any longer. He opened the door with a shaky hand and stepped onto the path, turning back to Ben who was standing in the doorway,

“Are you gonna be ok?” He asked

Tom shrugged, “Probably not but I guess I have to try”

Ben nodded sympathetically, “Take care mate. I’ll call you” he smiled, before he closed the door, leaving Tom standing alone on the pavement. 


	6. Chapter 6

“Are you sure about this?” Ben asked the next morning from the doorway as Emily stepped into her shoes and shrugged her coat on as she nodded in response,

“Absolutely. I’ve got an important meeting with Yves Saint Laurent today and I can’t just sack off work because my husband cheated on me, anyway. Life goes on, doesn’t it?”

“Em, you don’t have to put on a brave face at home. This is  _ me.  _ You can scream, shout, cry all you want inside this house”

Without looking at him, Emily fumbled with her handbag, “I don’t wanna talk about it, ok? I don’t want to talk about  _ him _ ”

She took a step forwards and squeezed his arm, “I’m ok, promise. I’ll see you tonight”

Before he could answer she ducked out the door to start her walk to the tube. Emily wasn’t ok, not really. She actually couldn’t have been any further from ok. Every moment she was awake she was on the verge of tears, finding herself having to hold her breath to suppress the sob that was threatening to explode from her chest and when she slept, which wasn’t often, her dreams were invaded by Tom and the images of him leaving Taylor’s hotel. Every bone in her body ached and she didn’t know if it was from exhaustion, shock, or just plain and simple heartbreak. She felt bad admitting it, but this hurt even more than losing her mother. Because her mum didn’t have a choice, right? When people passed away, they didn’t get to make the decision whether they should or shouldn’t - it just happened, and there was nothing that could be done to stop it. But Tom…...Tom had a choice. He could have stopped it and yes, he had, but by that point the damage was already done. No matter how much he’d tried to argue that he hadn’t actually gone through with it, his intention had still been there and Emily couldn’t forgive him for that. 

As she sat on the tube with her eyes firmly focused on the floor, she felt like everyone was looking at her, judging her, feeling sorry for her. There were bound to be people on the packed train who knew who she was, or rather who her husband was, and would also have seen yesterday’s tabloids. She hated how the demise of her marriage had been publicised all over the UK, and even more so that that was how she herself had found out about Tom’s betrayal. She glanced up, immediately making eye contact with a young woman sitting opposite her who looked away again quickly, uncomfortable at having been caught staring at Emily. Slowly, she looked around the rest of the carriage only to see several other people look away from her swiftly when she noticed them. She could feel herself getting hot, her throat was starting to tighten and she was pretty sure she was going to have a panic attack if she didn’t get off this damn train. When it pulled into the next stop she flung herself out of her seat and dashed towards the exit, leaving the station as fast as she could. She’d got off two stops earlier than usual but maybe the walk would calm her down a bit. The air was already cooling her off and she felt like she could breathe again. She pulled her coat closer around her as the cold air whipped against her skin and quickened her pace, only stopping to duck into Starbucks and grab a large cappuccino to go. As she neared the entrance to Selfridges, she could see a small group of half a dozen people loitering outside. That in itself wasn’t unusual, as this was the centre of London and there were just people  _ everywhere _ . But as Emily got closer, one of them turned and she saw the large camera around his neck. Her stomach somersaulted and she stopped dead, 

“Fuck” she cursed. She had no idea what to do or how to handle this. Whenever she’d had to deal with the paparazzi before, she’d had Tom beside her, protecting her and guiding her. Scrabbling in her bag, she pulled her phone out and started to urgently scroll through her contacts. She took a breath as her finger hovered over Tom’s name, before she bit her lip and continued scrolling, dialling a different number. She tried to take a couple of deep breaths as she waited for it to connect, watching the men who thankfully hadn’t seen her yet.

“Emily?” Luke answered the phone sounding a little surprised.

“Luke, you have to help me. I didn’t know who else to call and you know about all this sort of stuff” she babbled

“Woah, woah, slow down Em. What’s happening? Are you ok?”

“I’m on my way to work and……” Emily exhaled nervously, “There’s paps outside Selfridges. How do they know where I work?”

She heard Luke groan as she continued, “I don’t know what to do, Luke. What should I do? Help me, please”

“Ok, firstly you need to calm down, alright? Have they seen you?”

“No, not yet”

“Ok good. Do you have a key or something that you need to access the building?”

“A swipe card, yeah” As one of the men turned in her direction, Emily hastily backed into a shop doorway, out of sight.

“I want you to get that out now and keep it in your hand so that you can get in quickly”

Emily balanced the phone between her shoulder and her ear, holding her coffee in one hand as she delved into the pocket of her bag to get her card, 

“Fuck it I haven’t got enough hands. Fucking stupid enormous Starbucks cup” she cursed

“You need to lose the coffee Em. The last thing you want is to end up with it all down you or them”

Finally locating the card, she stood the cup on the pavement, “Gonna get caught littering the streets of Westminster now as well” she mumbled.

“Are you ready?” Luke asked

“Yes…..no…..Shit,I guess so”

“I’m gonna stay on the phone to you until you’re inside, ok? Now start walking”

“Oh god…...ok” Emily stepped out of the shop doorway and started to walk slowly towards the men.

“Don’t look at them, don’t talk to them, just keep your head down and get inside as quick as you can. Have you got your card ready?”

“Yeah” Emily drew in a sharp breath as the men turned, noticing her as she approached, “Oh god they’ve seen me, Luke”

“Walk, Em. Just keep walking”

“Fuck” Emily cursed again as the men started to lift their cameras,

“Emily!”

She let out a barely audible whimper as they started to crowd around her, shouting questions at her.

“Luke……” she breathed into her phone as she dodged around them, desperately trying to get to the door.

“You’re ok Em. Are you nearly there?”

“Yeah” she replied, swiping her card through the reader, impatiently waiting to hear the click of the lock opening. She yanked the door open and dived in, just as one of the men called,

“Where’s your wedding ring?”

She slammed the door behind her and let out a sob, turning towards the wall and resting her forehead on it as she squeezed her eyes closed.

“You alright, Em?” Luke asked

“That was horrible” she replied, her eyes still closed.

“Tom said there’s been paps outside your house since last night”

Emily opened her eyes wide, “ _ My _ house?”

Luke cleared his throat awkwardly, “Tom’s house”

Emily turned, now leaning with her back against the wall, “Tom’s house. Not mine”

“I’m sorry Em, really I am”

Emily sighed, “That’s what everyone keeps saying”

“Let me send a car to get you from work tonight, I’ll charge it to Tom. I don’t think he’ll mind once I’ve told him what just happened”

“I’ll be fine” Emily argued. She didn’t want anything from Tom, not anymore.

“Just for tonight, just to keep you safe. Please?”

She didn’t have the energy to protest any more. It was barely 9am and she was already exhausted, “Ok. Thank you, Luke…...I’m sorry for calling you in such a panic but I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t expecting that and I couldn’t-“ she stopped as the reality of what she was about to say hit her, “I couldn’t call Tom” she stuttered, fighting back tears. 

“I know” Luke replied kindly, “And if anything else like this happens you call me again, ok?”

“Yeah…...I will”

“You better get to work. I’ll text you later to let you know about the car”

They said goodbye and Emily made her way up the stairs and through the corridors until she arrived at her office. Sophie looked up at her as she rounded the corner, 

“Emily! I…...I didn’t think you’d be in today”

“Well here I am” Emily snapped, opening her office door and turning back to Sophie, “I don’t want to take any calls today, or see anyone apart from Saint Laurent”

Once safe in her office, she slumped down on her chair and dropped her head to her hands. Her phone buzzed in her bag making her jump, and she growled in frustration before realising it was probably Luke. She reached down to pull it out the side pocket and her stomach lurched as she saw the message was from Tom,

** _Luke told me what happened - are you ok? X_ **

She considered not replying at all but she knew Tom and if she didn’t, he would carry on bombarding her with messages until she responded.

** _I’m fine._ **

She pressed send, turning her phone to silent and opening her laptop. She needed to prepare for her meeting and try to put the hellish shit show that was her life to one side. Suddenly there was a knock on her door and she was just about to bark some obscenities at Sophie when Paul, the sales director popped his head around her door. It wasn’t often Emily saw him apart from at their quarterly managerial meetings so she was a little surprised as he shut the door quietly behind him and gave her a small smile, pulling out a chair and sitting down opposite her,

“Morning”

“Hi” Emily smiled, doing her best to appear cheerful, “Everything ok?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing…….” Paul replied, eyeing her cautiously. Of course he knew. Of course  _ everyone  _ knew. Emily stared at him, trying to keep her expression neutral as he continued, “No one was expecting you to be here today, Em. Are you sure you’re up to this?”

Emily nodded frantically, “I’m fine” 

“I’d totally understand if you needed to take some time to…….you know”

“I’m fine” Emily repeated, her voice shaking a bit this time. She couldn’t cry, not again. Not in front of her boss.

“Ok, well if you’re sure” Paul said, getting up slowly, “See how you get on. If you feel like you need to go, just go. You know it’s not a problem if you work from home for a few days…….or weeks”

Emily nodded again, not trusting herself to speak without it just coming out as a squeak as she desperately fought back tears. Giving her one last smile, Paul left the office and Emily resumed her position with her head in her hands, this time unable to stop herself from crying.

~

Emily’s meeting actually turned out to be just the distraction she needed. She’d known Philippe from Yves Saint Laurent for a number of years now and they’d become quite friendly, their meetings now pretty informal and they’d spend as much time just casually chatting as they did talking business. Phillipe hadn’t mentioned Tom although Emily was certain that he knew what was going on. He’d been in London for a week so he was sure to have seen the news, and he kept looking at her like he wanted to say something but didn’t quite know how, or if he even should. Once Sophie had delivered their third round of tea and coffee, Philippe leaned back in his seat and looked at Emily intently,

“When are you gonna come and work for me, Emily?”

Emily rolled her eyes and chuckled, “You know I can’t”

He’d been asking her for about a year now to go to Paris and work with him, but each time she’d declined politely, and when her and Tom had gotten together it became even more implausible. It was a nice thought and it would be an amazing career move, but in reality it just hadn’t been something she would seriously consider.

Philippe took a breath and fidgeted awkwardly, “Maybe the change is just what you need right now……” he looked at her and Emily knew just what he was implying, “I know you have a lot on your mind so I don’t want you to answer me today. This offer has no expiry date, so just think about it. If you decide you want to get away from London-“

“And Tom” Emily blurted. She knew that’s what he wanted to say. Philippe looked at her knowingly, raising an eyebrow,

“If you want to get away, call me. I can have you set up with a job and an apartment in Paris within a week”

Emily picked at the edge of her desk as she considered his offer. Moving to Paris would be a huge step, but maybe Philippe was right - maybe this was the perfect time for her to make a fresh start. Away from Tom, away from the memories. Looking back up at him, she nodded,

“I’ll think about it”

~

Once Phillipe had left, Emily shut herself away in her office again and snatched her phone out of her bag to check her messages. Her stomach lurched as she saw she had one from Tom, as well as another from Luke. Trying to ignore the way her heart had started to beat faster at seeing Tom’s name on her screen, she opened Luke’s email first,

** _Car will be waiting outside at 5pm - you remember Faisal, Tom’s security guy? I’ve sent you his number in a separate message, call him when you’re ready and he’ll be outside the door to help you to the car. Unfortunately they got a few shots of you this morning, but hopefully that means they’ll leave you alone now. Tom says you can take a car for as long as you want one, so let me know. Call me if you need anything._ **

Emily shuddered as she re read the message. Luke saying that the paps had got some shots of her clearly meant that there were news articles circulating. Before she could stop herself, Emily was typing her name into Google, staring at the screen as article after article loaded in front of her eyes. Clicking the first one, she skimmed over the words on the page. 

_ “Emily Hiddleston pictured arriving at work this morning without her wedding ring”  _

She paused briefly to look at the photos that had been taken earlier and winced. She hadn’t realised just how tired she looked. Even with her glasses on, her eyes looked red and the dark circles underneath them revealed just how little she’d slept last night. Her skin was pale and her hair looked a mess. She made a mental note to try and pop down to one of the makeup counters before she left this evening to at least get them to sweep a bit of blusher over her cheeks so she looked slightly less like a walking corpse.

Continuing to scroll down the page she suddenly froze, drawing in a sharp breath as she looked at the pictures of Tom. He’d been caught walking Bobby on Primrose Hill and if it was possible, he looked worse than she did. He was dressed in his running gear with a baseball cap pulled low on his head but it did nothing to disguise his puffy eyes and drawn, desolate expression. Tears started to well in her eyes as she studied the man that seemed like a stranger, even though only yesterday morning she’d woken up in bed with him. It seemed incomprehensible that in the space of thirty six hours, they’d gone from wrapped naked around each other to living in different houses, their marriage seemingly over.

Suddenly Emily remembered the unread message on her phone from Tom. Tearing her eyes away from the screen, she opened her phone and in turn, Tom’s message. She frowned as she looked at the link he’d sent her, with no text or explanation. Her thumb hovered over it for a few moments before she tapped it quickly and music started to play softly from the speaker. Setting her phone on her desk, she turned her attention back to the tabloid article, and a close up of Tom’s hand, the accompanying caption pointing out his wedding ring still clearly visible on his left hand.

_ How can I just let you walk away _

_ Just let you leave without a trace? _

_ When I stand here taking every breath with you _

_ You're the only one who really knew me at all _

The music echoed through the air quietly, and Emily could feel herself beginning to break again.

_ How can you just walk away from me _

_ When all I can do is watch you leave? _

_ 'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain _

_ And even shared the tears _

_ You're the only one who really knew me at all _

She let out a sob, clasping her hands over her mouth as she dissolved into tears. This was all too much. She grabbed blindly for her phone, silencing it immediately before clicking angrily at the screen to close the browser, the images of Tom disappearing from her screen. She folded her arms across her desk and dropped her head onto them, sobbing loudly, feeling everything and nothing all at once. She didn’t even hear Sophie enter the room until she was placing a comforting hand on Emily’s shoulder. She jerked her head up in surprise, looking at Sophie as she stood there, nervously clutching an enormous bunch of flowers.

“These just came for you….I didn’t know whether to bring them to you or not”

Emily sniffed and took them from her, opening the small card attached to the side of the bouquet.

_ I’ll never stop saying I’m sorry. _

_ I’ll never stop loving you. _

_ I’ll never give up. _

_ Tom x _

Emily whimpered, breaking down all over again as she clutched the card in her hands, “I can’t….” she choked.

“Emily” Sophie spoke nervously, “Why don’t you go home?” She still had her hand on her shoulder and she squeezed it gently, leaning across the desk to pluck a tissue from the box and pass it to Emily. She took it and forced a small smile as she looked at Sophie,

“It’s all a mess, Soph. I don’t know what I’m going to do”

Sophie perched on the edge of her desk, “You’re gonna be fine. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met, Emily. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’ll get through this”

Emily sighed, “I’m sorry I snapped at you this morning”

“It’s ok. I’m used to it” Sophie retorted with a cheeky smile, making Emily chuckle through her tears, “I’ll go and get you a coffee while you pack up your stuff, and then you can brief me on anything I need to know before you go”

Emily watched her leave the room and exhaled heavily. She reached for her phone, and dialled Paul’s extension number,

“Paul, I think I’m gonna take you up on that offer of working from home for a bit”

An hour later she was safely in the car on her way home, clutching the flowers Tom had sent her with Phillipe’s offer still heavy on her mind. She could get away from all of this - London, Tom, her failed marriage…….she could leave it all behind and start again, with just one phonecall. And right now it seemed very tempting.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I’m sorry. This sucks.

It had been five weeks since Emily had left, and although she was finding it easier to put on a brave face, she was still torn apart inside. Every day felt like an uphill struggle, and just getting out of bed every morning was an effort. She missed Tom so much it felt like she was suffocating. Her whole body ached for him even though her emotions constantly tipped between anger and heartbreak. They’d spent so many years hiding from their feelings and when they finally got together she’d thought that was it, that they’d be together forever. She’d wanted them to be together forever, and believed that the rest of her life was with Tom, with the man she’d loved for as long as she could remember. While she blamed him for ruining everything, she had started to blame herself for pushing him away to an extent where he was so easily tempted by someone else. Her head was a mess and her heart was broken into so many pieces she felt like it would never heal. But how could it even begin to heal when Tom was ripping it apart every day with his desperate attempts to win her back? They hadn’t actually spoken at all but she received a delivery of flowers four times a week, and in between that would be messages with links to either love songs or poems, each one reducing her to a sobbing mess when she listened or read it. He hadn’t been wrong when he said he wouldn’t give up, but no matter how many grand gestures he made, it didn’t stop the hurt, humiliation and betrayal she felt - it didn’t restore her trust in him. She had no doubt he was sorry and that he did love her and she still loved him but that wasn’t enough, no matter how much she wished it was. 

She had to admit she was glad that Paul had given her the opportunity to take some time away from the office because my god she needed it. Any contact fromTom always sent her reeling, usually resulting in her breaking down in tears too. At least at home she could do it alone where no one saw her. She was still thinking about Phillipe’s offer but she just couldn’t decide if she was brave enough to leave everything she knew and move to a different country. She wanted to do it - it was an amazing career opportunity and a totally fresh start for her but despite all that, she still felt hesitant about taking that step and calling Phillipe to accept.

“So what’s stopping you?” Ben asked as Emily paced the living room, chewing anxiously on her fingernails. He picked a Malteser out the packet he was currently eating and threw it at her head, “Stop biting your nails, you only had them done the other day and you’ll ruin them”

Emily stopped her relentless pacing to glare at him, “Bossy”

Ben chuckled as Emily walked over to the sofa and sat down next to him, delving her hand into the packet and grabbing a handful, immediately popping one into her mouth.

“So?” Ben prompted.

Emily shrugged, “I don’t know”

“I do”

Emily eyed him, “Do you?”

Ben nodded smugly, “Tom”

That was all it took for Emily to launch herself off the sofa and begin pacing again, “Tom has nothing to do with it. Why would he?”

Ben raised an eyebrow at her, “Really?”

“So how’s Zawe?”

“She’s fine. Don’t change the subject”

Ramming the last piece of chocolate into her mouth, Emily paused at the window, thinking for a moment before she spoke,“How is he?”

“He’s as miserable as you, if not more so” Ben replied.

Remaining tight lipped, Emily nodded as she folded her arms and looked out the window.

“Maybe you two should talk” Ben suggested

“What for? There’s nothing to say. We don’t need to talk” Emily replied, eyeing the malteser Ben was holding aloft, ready to throw at her. She opened her mouth and Ben launched it at her as she dived towards it, catching it and grinning at him smugly as she started to eat it.

“Well I mean, what happens next?” Ben replied, throwing another malteser at her which she also caught, “Are you gonna get divorced?”

He watched as Emily’s posture changed immediately and the smile disappeared from her face. Within seconds she went from cocky and confident to tense and wistful as her shoulders slumped and she shuffled back over to the sofa, dropping herself onto it with a sigh “I guess we are, yeah”

~

Tom had been moping around the house for nearly nine weeks now, desperately hoping that his attempts to reach out to Emily would be acknowledged. He knew that he was probably the last person she would want to see and so hadn’t tried, respecting the fact that she needed some time to get her head around everything that had happened but as he’d said to Ben and written in her card, he wasn’t giving up. In all honesty his crusade to get Emily back was probably the only thing keeping him going and no matter how much Ben told him not to get his hopes up, he clung to that small part of him that still believed one day Emily would forgive him. He had to cling to it because he knew that the moment he let it go, his world would totally fall apart. His fragile emotions were being held together by a single thread that could break at any moment. He wished he could go back…..he wished he could go back to that night and live it all again, do things differently, say no to Taylor and go home to his wife. But instead he had been living in this state of nothingness, unable to go back and not wanting to go forwards, or not without Emily anyway. He missed her so much his body physically hurt. He just wanted to hear her voice, touch her skin, listen to her laugh as his hair tickled her face. God, he wanted to kiss her…..to tell her how sorry he was and that his life wasn’t worth living without her in it. 

It would be Christmas Day in just over a week and he was set to spend it alone again, just like he had last year. His mother had gone on a cruise with some friends, having booked it months ago in the assumption that Tom and Emily would want to spend their first Christmas as a married couple on their own together. That’s what Tom wanted as well. In that moment he made the decision that it was time to try and talk to Emily again, face to face. He’d given her time but now he needed to see her, he couldn’t wait any longer. Snatching Bobby’s lead off its hook, he called the spaniel to him as he pulled on his coat and shoes.

Arriving at the end of the path to Emily’s door, Tom had to stop and take a couple of breaths to calm himself down. He didn’t know how Emily would react, or if she was even home. But he had to try, he needed to try. His legs felt heavy as he nervously walked up to the front door, knocking once.

“Sit” he mumbled, looking down at Bobby who obediently did as he’d been told, his tail wagging as he panted. Bobby knew this house, he knew it was where his mum lived and he was seemingly excited at the prospect of seeing her too. When the door opened, Emily stopped dead and stared at him, wide eyed.

“Hey, Em. I was just passing and wondered whether you’d like to see Bobby” Tom lied, “You could even have him for a couple of days if you wanted”

On cue, Bobby launched himself at Emily yelping excitedly. Emily dropped her gaze to him as a smile spread across her face and she bent down,

“Hello baby boy! Oh, I’ve missed you!”

Tom watched as Bobby stood up with his front paws on her thighs, licking enthusiastically at her face as she giggled, “I think he’s missed you too…….so have I”

Emily looked back up to him and the smile dropped from her face. She looked sad, and Tom could see that them seeing each other again was hurting her just as much as it was him. 

“Can I come in?” Tom asked. He didn’t care how desperate he sounded, he just needed to talk to her.

Emily sighed and got back to her feet, “What for, Tom?”

“Please, Em” he begged, “Just for a minute”

Emily sighed again and stepped aside so that Tom could enter. She shut the door behind him and disappeared into the kitchen as he took off his coat and unclipped Bobby’s lead.

“Ben not around?” He asked, leaning on the doorframe and watching as Emily busied herself unloading the dishwasher with her back to him,

“He’s with Zawe”

“Those two seem to be really hitting it off”

“Yeah I guess so” she replied, still without looking at him.

“Do you not think so?”

Emily shut the front of the dishwasher with more force than necessary and ran her hands through her hair before eventually turning to him,

“Tom, what do you want?”

“I just wanted to see you” Tom breathed, taking a step further into the room, “Ben said you’ve been working at home since-“

“Since you cheated on me” Emily interrupted.

“I didn’t-“ Tom started, as Emily rolled her eyes,

“I’m not having this conversation with you again”

She turned away from him, picking up the kettle and going to the sink to fill it with water. She was making them tea. This was a good sign, it meant he would get to stay there for a while - long enough for his tea to cool down enough for him to drink anyway. Feeling more confident, Tom pressed on, “So are you ok?”

“I’m fine” Emily put the kettle back on its base and flicked it on, reaching into the cupboard above her and taking out a cup. Just one cup - Tom felt his stomach lurch in disappointment.

“Work has been ok?”

“Work’s fine…….” Emily paused, like she was thinking. She turned her head and glanced at him quickly before clearing her throat, “I, um…….I’ve been offered a job at Yves Saint Laurent”

Tom gasped, staring at her, “That’s great!”

“It’s in Paris” she added, turning to face him and folding her arms defiantly as she leant back against the counter.

“Wh-I mean…….what?” Tom stuttered. She couldn’t. Was she really going to leave?

“Its.In.Paris” she repeated

Tom ran his hands through his hair and shook his head, “Wow. Will you….are you going to take it?”

Emily shrugged as she turned to pour boiling water into her cup, “I’m thinking about it”

Tom could feel panic starting to rise in his chest. He couldn’t lose her, she couldn’t move to another country. This could not be happening.

“What about me?” He blurted

Emily slammed the kettle back down and snapped her neck around, “What about you?” She hissed, her eyes narrow.

“Us…..I mean…...you…” Tom grit his teeth in frustration at the fact his brain was malfunctioning so badly that he was suddenly unable to form a sentence.

Emily marched towards him, “There is no us, Tom. So therefore whatever I decide will have nothing to do with you”

“But…...the flowers” Tom managed to mumble. It was taking everything he had not to lunge forward and grab Emily, to hold onto her and never let her go so that she physically couldn’t ever leave.

“Stop sending me flowers!” Emily growled, “And poems, and songs……..just stop!”

“It doesn’t have to be like this” Tom pleaded, taking a step forwards and reaching for Emily’s hand but she dodged him, her eyes wild with anger,

“Yes it does! Why can’t you get it into your head that it has to be exactly like this?” She yelled.

“And why can’t you get it into your head that I didn’t cheat on you?” Tom’s frustration was turning to anger now as he shouted back at her, “You’re just gonna run away and give up on everything, give up on us”

Emily shook her head as she glared at him, “You gave up on us, Tom. You gave up on us the moment you decided to go back to that hotel with Taylor, so don’t you dare start trying to blame me”

“Well if you hadn’t been pushing me away for months perhaps I wouldn't have even thought about it in the first place! So blame me as much as you like but take a look at yourself too” Tom snapped. He’d lost his head at the thought of Emily leaving and let his anger get the better of him. His temper had been like a slow burning fuse for weeks however this explosion caught even Tom by surprise. But now the fuse was lit, and it hadn’t finished burning yet.

“Every time something goes wrong in your life you just ignore it and hope it will go away. But it never does, Emily. All that happens is that you push away the people that love you, until they can’t take it anymore!”

“And you didn’t push me away too?” Emily shouted, “You didn’t even try to understand how I was feeling! You have no idea what it’s like to lose two babies”

“No I wouldn’t because I didn’t even know about the first one! You did that all by yourself” Tom could see tears forming in Emily’s eyes and he knew he was saying things that he really shouldn't be and didn’t even mean, but he couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth.

“Because, yet again, you were with her! Always with her when you should have been with me!”

“Haven’t you ever stopped to wonder why?” He snarled.

Emily glared at him, “Oh I know why, Tom. Because you always have and always will be ruled by that god damn thing between your legs!”

“No, it’s because she’s a lot more fucking fun to be around than you”

“Well maybe you should go and find her again then!”

“Yeah, maybe I should” Tom snapped. He scowled at Emily and she stared back at him, both of them breathing hard and totally consumed with anger. Emily blinked and a tear trickled down her cheek but in that moment Tom was past caring. He’d got a reaction, that’s what he’d wanted, wasn’t it? That’s what this had turned into - a competition to see who could hurl the most abusive, hurtful words. An attempt to push each other until one of them broke.

“Leave. Now” Emily ordered, her eyes never leaving his. Tom continued to glare at her for a few more seconds before he spoke again,

“Fine. I’m going.”

He turned and stormed into the hallway, snatching his coat as Emily called after him,

“Good! Leave me alone. I’ll get Ben to bring Bobby back to you in a few days. Don’t contact me and don’t come here again. Ever”

“Don’t worry, I won’t” Tom yelled as he shrugged his coat over his shoulders.

“And I want a divorce”

“Fine” he growled, his eyes wild with rage as he reached for the door handle.

“Fine” Emily barked, watching from the kitchen as Tom gave her one last scathing look before he opened the front door and stepped out, slamming it hard behind him. She was so angry she felt light headed and suddenly a wave of nausea washed over her. She dashed for the bathroom, only just making it in time. As she knelt on the floor draped over the toilet, she made a decision - after Christmas she was going to call Phillipe and accept his offer. 

Emily was going to move to Paris and work for Yves Saint Laurent, and she was going to divorce Tom. He might call it running away, but she called it a fresh start - a new life, without Tom.


	8. Chapter 8

Christmas was a disaster. Emily had picked up some sort of bug, and for over a week now had been feeling nauseous and exhausted. The thought of food turned her stomach and she was so tired that some days just getting out of bed was a struggle. Ben had invited Zawe to spend Christmas Day with them as their relationship continued going from strength to strength, and so Emily forced herself to get up, get dressed and join in the festivities. The day was fairly low key and relaxed and Ben took charge of the kitchen, cooking an amazing roast dinner. As hard as she tried, Emily struggled to eat much and instead ended up just pushing it round her plate as she wished today had been different. She wished she could have been with Tom. What was he doing today? She didn’t even know. She was still replaying their conversation from the previous week over and over in her head - she hadn’t meant to get angry with him but he’d turned up unannounced, catching her off guard. Seeing him had just ripped open all her wounds and made her furious all over again for what he’d done and how he’d ruined everything they’d wanted for so long. Emily had screamed at him for blaming her but deep down she knew that he was right - she had pushed him away, and that part at least was definitely her fault. 

Emily still had Bobby and she hadn’t heard a peep from Tom since he’d walked out of her house, seemingly agreeing to their divorce. That part in particular made Emily’s stomach lurch sickeningly. It was so final, yet inevitable. It was admitting that their marriage was over, and that they no longer wanted to be in each other's lives. It meant they’d failed - all of the things Emily herself was still trying to accept. As she glanced at the unopened presents under the Christmas tree, she wished that somehow someone had invented a time machine and gifted her one, so that she could go back and stop any of this from ever happening, and instead of sitting here feeling sick and miserable she could be with Tom. 

When Ben and Zawe settled down on the sofa to watch a film later in the evening, Emily excused herself and disappeared off to her room. She got undressed and climbed into bed, letting out a satisfied sigh as she snuggled down under the duvet and flicked her tv on. She was just drifting off to sleep when there was a knock at her door and Zawe popped her head in,

“Hey”

“Hey” Emily replied, smiling. She’d seen a great deal of Zawe over the last few months and they got on pretty well and were becoming quite close. It was nice, and Emily was glad to finally have a female friend after all these years. 

“I brought you a cup of tea” Zawe smiled, opening the door far enough to allow her to enter the room. She put the mug down on the table and climbed onto the foot of the bed, sitting down and pulling her knees towards her, resting her chin on them,

“You ok?” She asked

Emily nodded half heartedly, “Yeah. I’m ok”

“Today‘s been pretty hard for you, huh?”

Emily shrugged, “A bit. I mean, this should have been mine and Tom’s first Christmas together as a married couple……”

“I guess me and Ben being all lovey dovey doesn’t help. I’m sorry”

Emily shook her head, “No! Hey, don’t apologise! It’s really sweet. You’re cute together”

Zawe leant forwards and squeezed her arm sympathetically, “Just hang in there, ok? It’s gonna get better”

Emily sighed and shook her head, looking down at the blankets covering her and rearranging them absentmindedly.

“Em? What is it?”

Emily but her lip and continued frantically straightening out the blankets. There was something that had been playing on her mind for the last day or so and the more she thought about it, the more anxious it made her. She glanced back up at Zawe and back down, taking a deep breath,

“I think I know why I’ve been feeling so rough this week. I mean I’m not sure, but…..I know the signs”

Oh god, saying at aloud made it even more scary, more real. Zawe cocked her head to one side, looking at Emily curiously as Emily ran her hands through her hair and finally met her gaze,

“I think I’m pregnant”

~

Everything happened in a bit of a blur after that. Emily started to cry and Zawe hugged her as she yelled frantically for Ben, ordering him to go out  _ immediately  _ and find a shop that was open to get a pregnancy test. Ben stood in Emily’s bedroom doorway for a few moments looking confused but then as the penny dropped he mumbled a few curse words and took off at full speed. He was back surprisingly quickly considering it was nearly 9pm on Christmas Day, waving the test kit triumphantly above his head. 

“Should you call Tom?” Zawe questioned as Emily unwrapped the box, pulling out the plastic tester. She shook her head,

“He only needs to know about this if it’s positive”

She stood from the bed, walking towards her en suite.

“Do you want us to stay with you?” Zawe asked, and Emily shook her head again,

“I think I need to do this by myself. I’ll come down and find you guys in a bit”

“Em, are you sure? This is, or could be, a big thing” Ben frowned, putting his arm around her shoulder. 

“I’m fine, honestly. Promise” Emily assured them, detaching herself from Ben, “I’ll come downstairs once I’ve done this, ok?”

Once Ben and Zawe has reluctantly gone, Emily made her way into the bathroom. Taking care of what she needed to do, she placed the test face down on the counter and blew out a breath as she looked at her reflection in the mirror,

“Here we go again” she mumbled to herself. Turning away, she put the toilet lid down and sat on it, looking around the room impatiently. She knew she could have got this all totally wrong and could just have some sort of bug, but she knew the signs from last time. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t realised sooner, when she hadn’t had a period for nearly three months. She just put it down to stress after what had been happening. Not to mention the fact that she was putting on weight even though she’d barely eaten for over a week. Her and Tom had only slept together that one morning…..Emily knew that’s all it could take, but would fate really deal them another blow after everything else they’d had to deal with? 

Checking her watch, Emily took a deep breath and leant across picking up the test. 

“Ok, let's do this” she whispered, taking another steady breath in and out. Looking down to her hands, she turned the stick over and looked at the result.

~

It was nearly half an hour before Emily went downstairs to find Ben and Zawe, both of them looking up expectantly as soon as she entered the room. They watched silently as she curled up on the sofa opposite them and fixed her eyes on the tv.

“Em? You were up there quite a while, we were starting to worry about you. You ok?” Ben asked cautiously.

Emily continued to stare wordlessly at the tv for a few more moments, until finally she wrapped her arms around herself and looked across at them,

“It was positive”

Zawe drew in a loud breath and Ben closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Shit”

“Yeah. Shit” Emily replied, willing herself not to cry again. She’d spent a good fifteen minutes curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing before she managed to compose herself enough to come downstairs.

“What are you going to do?” Zawe asked as she threw herself from one sofa to the other, shuffling up next to Emily and putting her arm around her. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know” Emily repeated, her facade starting to slip.

“Em, I’m sorry but I’m not letting you do anything without talking to Tom first” Ben said sternly.

Emily glared at him, “I wouldn’t…..I wouldn’t. Not after last time”

“Wait…….you and Tom separated how long ago?” Zawe asked, her eyes wide.

“Ten weeks”

“Shit Em, so you’re nearly-“

“Nearly three months pregnant, yeah” Emily finished her sentence. She looked back to Ben, “I will speak to him, I will, I promise. I just need a couple of days to get my head around this”

But where did she even start? She felt cheated, like the world hated her. When she had Tom, she couldn’t have a baby but now she’d lost Tom, and it was like the universe had laughed and said, “ok,  _ now _ you can have the baby…..but you can’t have both”.

_ Why _ couldn’t she just have both? What had she done so wrong to deserve all this? What was she supposed to say to Tom? “Hi, yeah, here’s your divorce papers and oh, by the way, I’m having your baby”. This was going to change their relationship all over again. Emily didn’t want their child to come from a broken home, with two parents who hated each other. They were going to have to try and find a way to co parent and remain amicable with each other. And it meant they were gonna be in each other’s lives forever, whether they liked it or not. 

Of course, she could always take Tom back. But that thought scared her more than anything. There was no question that she still loved him, it wasn’t like she could just switch her feelings off - she’d been in love with this man since she was 15 years old and after all and this wasn’t the first time he’d broken her heart. Yet every time she pieced it back together, he was still the one it beat for. This time though, she wasn’t sure if she could let him back in and give him the chance to break it once more. If she lost him again…….she wasn’t sure she could handle that. It was like going back in time five years - she wanted Tom, but she couldn’t have him. The thing was, this time all that was stopping her was herself.

~

** _If I bring Bobby back later today can we talk?_ **

Tom read the text and immediately his stomach flipped in anticipation. It was New Years Eve and he’d been wondering if Emily was thinking the same as him - this time last year their lives had changed. All the secrets that they’d kept for so many years had finally been exposed, some good and some bad. But they’d moved forward, and as the clock struck midnight they’d started the new year together. The last twelve months had been one hell of a rollercoaster but now Emily wanted to talk - was she finally ready to forgive him? This was the first contact she’d initiated since they separated and Tom couldn’t help but feel excited and quietly hopeful. He quickly fired off a text back to Emily,

** _Sure. What time were you thinking? x_ **

Emily’s reply was immediate,

** _This evening, about 7?_ **

Emily wanted to spend New Year’s Eve with him. Tom let out a shaky breath as he responded, telling her that was fine. Dropping his phone on the sofa next to him, he smiled to himself. He had a good feeling about this.

By a quarter to seven, Tom was pacing the house nervously. He’d showered, shaved - or at least trimmed his beard which had become pretty unruly in the last couple of weeks, and there was a bottle of red wine on the counter in the kitchen ready to be opened, along with a bottle of Prosecco chilling in the fridge…...just in case. He’d also tidied up the bedroom and changed the sheets - again, just in case. And now all he could do was wait. Every minute felt like an hour as he rearranged the cushions on the sofa for the hundredth time and adjusted the volume of the music he’d set to play in the background. When the knock on the door finally came, it still took him by surprise and in his haste to get to it he tripped over his own feet sending him stumbling forwards, grabbing frantically for anything within reach to stop himself from landing in a heap on the hallway floor. Regaining his balance clutching the radiator, he cursed under his breath and carried on towards the door, pausing to check his reflection in the mirror before opening it.

“Hey” he smiled as Emily stood in front of him, looking a little uncomfortable and possibly as nervous as him.

“Hey-oooof” she gasped as Bobby surged into the house, pulling her forwards until she collided with Tom’s chest, clutching fistfuls of his jumper to steady herself. Instinctively his arms settled on her waist as she looked up at him almost shyly. Having her this close to him made him dizzy and he could feel his temperature rising already.

“You ok?” He asked quietly, unable to stop his gaze dropping to her lips.

Letting go of his jumper, Emily cleared her throat, “Yeah….yeah, sorry” 

She took a step back and reached towards him, brushing his jumper briskly to smooth it down. Tom watched her intently until she looked up at him again, immediately dropping her hands

“Sorry” she mumbled again, taking another step backwards and looking around her. Tom dodged behind her to shut the door as Emily unbuttoned her coat.

“Can I get you a drink? Wine?” He asked as he watched her hang up her coat and toe her shoes off. She shook her head vigorously,

“I, um…..I’m not drinking at the moment. Maybe just some water?”

Slightly taken aback, Tom looked at her, “Uh, yeah, ok. I’m gonna have some wine though, you sure you wouldn’t even like a small glass?”

“No. Thank you” Emily replied sternly. Once again a beat of silence passed between them as they stood opposite each other in the hallway. Why did this feel so awkward? 

“I’ll just, um…” Tom gestured over his shoulder and started to walk backwards as Emily nodded and started after him. He turned quickly and walked towards the kitchen, sensing Emily close behind. Bobby was in the kitchen, still with his lead attached to his collar from where he’d pulled it out of Emily’s hands, so Tom bent down and unclipped it, dropping it onto the table as Emily leant back against the counter opposite him. He glanced across at her and smiled as he reached into the cupboard for a glass and turned on the tap, filling it with water. He held it out to Emily, their fingers brushing as she took it from him, the contact sending bolts of electricity charging through his body. He quickly poured himself a glass of wine and motioned towards the living room as he took a sip,

“Do you want to sit down?”

“Yeah. That might be a good idea” Emily replied, turning and disappearing out of the room as Tom frowned, following her. She seated herself on the edge of sofa, setting her glass down on the table and starting to bite her nails nervously as she stared absentmindedly at the opposite wall. Tom sat down opposite her, still watching her closely. Should he talk or wait for her to speak? She seemed to be avoiding eye contact with him and her whole demeanour seemed to be screamingly uncomfortable, so Tom decided to try and encourage her to say something, even though he was starting to think it might not be the positive conversation he’d been hoping for.

“How was your Christmas?”

“It was ok, yeah. Yours?”

She still wasn’t looking at him and it was making Tom more and more uneasy, “It was quiet”

Emily glanced at him and nodded her head, “Right”

“Look Em, I’m sorry about last week, and the things I said-“

“Tom” Emily dropped her hands to her lap heavily, rubbing them up and down her thighs a couple of times, “I didn’t come here to talk about last week”

Tom took another sip of his wine and looked at her, “Yeah I guessed that. But you don’t seem to be saying much even though you told me you wanted to talk”

Emily huffed and launched herself off the sofa, walking into the middle of the room and stopping with her back to him. Tom had been determined to stay calm but Emily’s agitation was starting to frustrate him again and he could feel himself getting tense.

“Say something, Emily” he demanded as she hovered uneasily, fidgeting from leg to leg. She turned towards him, glancing at him before closing her eyes and tipping her head back, running her hands through her hair,

“Oh god” she whispered

Tom leant back on the sofa and folded his arms, glaring at her in annoyance, “Spit it out Em, for fuck sake”

Opening her eyes, Emily dragged her hands down her cheeks and sighed as she finally met his gaze.

“I’m pregnant” she announced.

Tom stared at her. Had she just……….“What?”

Emily closed her eyes again, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger, “I’m pregnant” 

“That’s what I thought you said” Tom blew out a breath and leant forwards, his elbows resting on his knees. The room was spinning and his mind along with it.

“Is it mine?” He blurted. Emily snapped her head up, opening her eyes and scowling at him,

“Of course it is”

“Right, good. I mean, I was just checking. Y’know, we’ve been separated for a while now…..I didn’t know if you’ve…...y’know, if there’s been anyone else”

Emily was looking at him like she was about to murder him, her eyes alight with rage, “Fuck you, Tom” she growled, storming towards the other end of the room and stopping with her back to him and her hands on her hips.

“Shit” Tom cursed, getting to his feet and approaching her. He reached out but kept his hands a few inches from her, just hovering in the air, hesitant to actually touch her, “I’m sorry. Of course it’s mine”

When Emily didn’t move, he cautiously placed his hands on her shoulders. She tensed for a moment but didn’t try to shrug him off, letting him turn her around to face him. Tears were staining her cheeks as she stared past him, across the room.

“Come and sit down, please”

Emily sighed in resignation, and started to move back towards the sofa. Tom placed his hand on her back and guided her, sitting down next to her.

“It's yours. I still need to see a doctor for confirmation, but I’ve taken four tests and they’ve all been positive” she said, staring into her lap, “And I’m gonna keep it, Tom. I can’t……”

A tear trickled down her cheek and she looked up at him, “I can’t lose another baby”

Tom reached out and brushed it from her cheek as he started to well up too, “I know, sweetheart”

Emily looked away, sniffing hard. Tom shuffled closer to her and tugged gently on her arm, 

“Hey, come here. Give me a hug”

In all honesty he was expecting Emily to argue, push him away and tell him not to touch her but instead she turned, throwing her arms around him and collapsing against him, letting him wrap her up in his arms and hold her tightly.

“This is what we always wanted, Em” he mumbled, his face buried in her neck, “Please tell me this means you’re coming home”

He felt her shake her head, “I can’t” came a muffled voice from his chest.

“You can’t go to Paris, I won’t let you take my baby to another country” he ordered, as Emily untangled herself from him and dabbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her jumper,

“I’m not going to Paris either. Not now”

That brought Tom some relief at least. He blinked back his own tears as he lifted his hand, tucking Emily’s hair behind her ear,

“Please, Em. I love you.....all that stuff I said last week, I didn’t mean it. This is our chance to make everything right. Please, come home…..I’m begging you”

Emily shuffled along the sofa, putting some distance between them as she shook her head, “Tom, I can’t. None of this changes what you did. You still broke my heart. But we’re having a baby so we have to find a way to make this work…...But I don’t know how”

She looked back up at him as she continued, “All I do know is that I don’t want to be alone right now. I’m scared and confused and for some stupid reason I feel like the only thing that will make me feel better is being here with you”

Tom scrubbed at his eyes with his hands, “Ok. I guess we’ll figure it out. But I won’t give up on us, Em. I’ll never give up”

“I know” Emily replied, nodding slowly. She looked at him silently for a few moments before her lips started to tremble and she let out a sob, “I’m so scared, Tom”

Instinctively, Tom scooted towards her and pulled her into a hug again, rubbing her back as she cried, “I know. But I’ll look after you, ok? I’ll be whatever you need me to be and I’ll be here for you every step of the way. But for tonight, how about we order a takeaway and watch Lilo and Stitch?”

Sniffing, Emily pulled back and offered him a small smile, “Yes, please. I’d like that”

They barely spoke all evening, just knowing each other was there being all either of them needed even if it was only temporary. When Emily fell asleep on the sofa before the clock even struck midnight, Tom picked her up carefully and carried her into his bedroom, respectfully putting her to bed in her t shirt and a pair of his joggers. Bending down next to the bed, he brushed the hair off of his sleeping wife’s face and kissed her softly on the cheek as he placed his hand on her stomach,

“Goodnight Em. Happy New Year” he whispered. Taking one last look at her, he turned off the light and went to settle himself down to sleep on the sofa. 


	9. Chapter 9

Emily sighed contentedly as she lay starfish across the middle of the bed, blinking a few times as her eyes adjusted to the light creeping through the curtains. Everything around her was so familiar - the big, comfortable bed, the faint scent of Tom’s citrus aftershave on the sheets, the pile of clothes on the chair in the corner of the room that Tom still hadn’t got around to putting away…...It was home. Emily wasn’t ashamed to admit she’d slept like a log last night - it was the best nights sleep she’d had in months. Had Tom slept with her? He wasn’t in bed now and she could vaguely hear music coming from the kitchen, Tom humming along to it.

Last night had been weird and perfect all rolled into one. Spending that amount of time with Tom again had felt strange but also comforting. She had spent the last two and a half months hating him but last night she felt that the only person she needed was him. No matter the state of their relationship, Emily knew she wasn’t in this alone and that Tom would support her totally. it made having a baby seem like the easy part of the whole situation - the complicated part was what it meant for her and Tom.

Swinging her legs out of bed, Emily stood up and caught sight of herself in the full length mirror at the far side of the room. Walking over to it, she stood side on and ran her hands over her belly. She felt like she’d grown enormous over the past few days and still couldn't believe she hadn’t realised the bump that had been blooming. She was pretty sure she hadn’t been this big at this stage last time she was pregnant. Shrugging her shoulders, she told herself that it must mean the baby was hopefully growing well and everything was progressing as it should.

Emily found Tom in the kitchen, still singing to himself as he made coffee.

“Hey” She croaked as she entered the room and hoisted herself onto one of the stools at the breakfast bar. Tom spun around and grinned widely at her,

“Good Morning! Did you sleep ok?

Emily hummed as she nodded her head, eyeing the mug in his hand,

“Please tell me that coffee is for me?”

Tom chuckled, holding it out to her, “It is. I was going to bring it to you in bed”

Emily took a sip and looked at him, “Did you um…..did you sleep with me last night?”

Tom frowned and shook his head, “No, of course not. I was on the sofa with Bobby”

“Thank you. And thank you for letting me stay”

Tom looked at her, “Em, this is your home. I want you to be here all the time, you know that”

“And you know I can’t”

Tom pulled out the stool next to her and sat down, looking nervous, “You are happy about the baby aren’t you?”

Emily sighed, “Yeah I am, but it’s not how I wanted it to happen”

“It doesn’t have to be like this”

Emily sighed again, “Tom, please. Don’t”

“Just tell me there’s still a chance for us, Em. We’re having a baby, that’s got to mean something.....please tell me there’s a chance, no matter how small”

Emily closed her eyes, “I don’t know, Tom. I don’t know, ok? I’m angry and hurt and right now I still don’t even like you very much, even after last night. I’m confused, and I just…….I don’t know”

She opened her eyes and looked at him, the hint of a smile on his lips as he spoke, “That’s not a no”

“It’s not a yes, either”

“Do you realise we’ve spent the last sixteen ish hours together without arguing?”

“I was asleep for most of them”

Tom shrugged, “Even so. let’s take it as a positive”

They looked at each other and both chuckled. Emily watched as Tom’s eyes kept darting down to her stomach before finally he spoke, “You’re bigger than last time”

Emily looked down at the bump and ran her hands over it as she hummed in agreement.

“Can I?” Tom asked cautiously, gesturing towards it.

Emily nodded and Tom stood, taking a nervous step closer and holding out his hands, slowly reaching towards her. He gently slid her t shirt up to sit above the bump and stroked his hand over it in a circle before bending over and kissing it. Emily tried to keep her breathing steady as she stared at the top of his head, desperately fighting the urge to run her hand through his curls, the curls that she’d always loved so very much. Instead she gripped the edge of the counter hard, trying to ignore the heat that was spreading through her body from his touch. Standing upright again, Tom looked at her with one hand still protectively on her stomach,

“It’s gonna be ok, Em. I promise”

He was so close, so very close. Even now, after everything, there was no denying that there was still something there between them. They both knew it.

“I hope so” Emily whispered. At that moment she realised she really meant it. Not just the baby, but with her and Tom as well. She hadn’t been lying earlier when she said she was still angry, but for the first time in months she felt like the fog in her brain was lifting and she could think clearly. They had a long road ahead of them, but maybe they did still have a chance.

~

The next few weeks were a whirlwind of activity. Emily saw a doctor who confirmed she was almost 12 weeks pregnant, which meant she was immediately due for a scan. With Tom’s help, they arranged a scan at the same private hospital that they’d used before. 

Things with Tom we’re improving. Since she’d spent the night at his house, they had talked almost daily. Sometimes it was just a brief exchange where Tom would check on how she was feeling, other times they would text on and off for hours, talking about their day. Tom had been in talks with a production company about some sort of play but he’d been a little vague with Emily about the details, telling her he didn’t want to jinx it by saying too much. All she did know was that it was potentially going to be in a central London theatre with a four month run, meaning he would be around throughout the pregnancy and it would finish just before the baby was due so Tom would then be able to take some time off to help Emily with their newborn. 

The morning of the scan Emily woke up feeling nervous, thoughts of last time playing heavily on her mind. But then that overwhelming feeling took over again - she’d be ok when she saw Tom. All through her childhood, teenage years and early adult life he’d been her rock, the person she turned to whenever she felt lost or upset. Through the good and the bad and the ups and the downs of their relationship over the years, Tom remained the only person she needed. He was like a lighthouse, guiding her over the rocks and bringing her home. Somehow he was still her safe place, even in this uneasy, unknown state that their relationship was currently in.

After she’d had a shower and got dressed, Emily went downstairs in desperate need of coffee and breakfast. She was busy making some toast in the kitchen while she waited for the kettle to boil when a voice came from behind her, 

“Hey”

“Jesus!” Emily cursed, dropping the knife on the counter with a loud crash and clutching her chest with one hand and her stomach with the other as she turned to Zawe,

“Where the hell did you spring from?”

Chuckling, Zawe walked over to the sink and started to rinse out her empty mug, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump”

“You’re like a bloody silent assassin” Emily mumbled, picking up the knife again as Zawe giggled. She leant her hip against the counter as she watched Emily,

“You don’t mind me being here do you?”

Emily looked up and frowned at her, “No, of course not!”

Moving over to the kettle and starting to make them both coffee, Zawe shrugged,

“I just thought that I hadn’t actually asked you. It is your house after all”

“Only on paper” Emily replied, “It’s Ben’s house. I’m just a lodger”

“I just didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable with me being here with Ben”

Emily turned to face Zawe and took a bit of her toast, “I like having you around, and I think Ben does too”

She watched as Zawe’s smile grew, “You two are pretty cute, you know”

Zawe laughed, “We are, aren’t we”

She handed a mug to Emily as they both laughed again. They moved over to the kitchen table and sat down, and Zawe took a breath,

“As long as it’s all ok with you, you know? Me and Ben, me and Tom….”

Emily cocked her head to one side as she chewed, “You and Tom?”

“Yeah, you know, with this play and everything. I didn’t know if it would be a bit weird for you”

Emily swallowed her toast and picked up her mug, washing it down with a mouthful of coffee before she spoke again, “I didn’t know you were going to be in it as well”

Zawe eyed her, “He didn’t tell you that?”

“No”

Zawe started to play nervously with her hair, “After the gala we did, the production company approached us both as they were so impressed with the scene we did together”

Emily nodded, “Well that’s great!”

“It took Ben a few weeks to get his head around the idea that Tom and I could be playing a husband and wife, so I just wanted to make sure you were ok with it too”

“Zawe, you don’t have to ask my approval. This is your career, and Tom and I aren’t…..” she paused and shrugged, “Well, you know”

“Things seem better between you guys though? I mean, you’ve been talking haven’t you…..I was with him the other day when you text him. Em, you should see the way his face lights up when he’s talking to you. He has the biggest smile, it’s so cute”

Emily sighed, “I just don’t want him to get ahead of himself. I don’t know what’s gonna happen between us, if anything. I just don’t know if I can after everything, you know? I’m worried he’s getting his hopes up”

“You still love him though?”

Emily nodded, “Of course I do, and that’s what makes this all so hard. It’s not a question of whether I still love him, it’s whether I can trust him again”

The doorbell rang, making both women jump, 

“That’ll be him now” Emily said quietly. Zawe pushed her chair back,

“I’ll get it”

Emily listened as the front door opened and Tom’s cheerful voice echoed through the hallway. Moments later he was bouncing into the kitchen like an excitable child.

“Good morning!” He chirped, bounding across the room and stopping to kiss Emily on the cheek before she even had time to think about dodging it, “Are you ready?”

Emily stood up and walked over to the sink, rinsing her cup and plate and leaving the on the drainer, “Yeah. Just need to grab my coat and shoes”

“I’ll leave you guys to it” Zawe said from the doorway where she had been watching their exchange. As Emily walked towards her she opened her arms and the two women hugged,

“It’s gonna be fine this time, Em” Zawe whispered in her ear. Emily hummed in reply and squeezed her tightly before letting her go and giving her a weak smile as Zawe retreated upstairs to get herself ready to leave. As she slung her coat over her shoulders, she felt Tom come up behind her.

“Hey” he said softly, his hands coming to rest on her shoulders, “You ok?”

“A bit nervous I guess” Emily replied without looking up at him as she stepped into her shoes. 

“Me too. But judging by the size of you I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that baby”

Emily turned to look at him, as his eyes darted between her face and her belly, his mouth curled up in a cheeky grin, “Seriously, you’ve grown so much in the couple of weeks since I last saw you”

She looked back down at herself and ran her hands over the bump, “Ugh, I know. I’m a beast”

Tom reached out and covered her hands with his own, “You look incredible Em. You always do”

Emily lifted her head to look at him. He was standing so close to her…... 

“Thank you” she mumbled, unable to stop her eyes dropping to his lips as he watched her intently. She couldn’t tear her gaze away as in turn Tom’s eyes roamed her face, pausing on her mouth as he licked his lips. It would have been so easy to kiss him, to just tilt her head and press her mouth to his, to let herself be wrapped up in him again.

“We should go” she announced, taking a step back and clearing her throat, finally looking away from him to pick up her bag. She heard Tom exhale loudly, 

“Yes. We don’t want to be late”

~

“Why didn’t you tell me Zawe was going to be in that play with you?” Emily looked across at Tom as he navigated the car through the busy streets of London.

He glanced at her and she noticed his grip on the steering wheel tighten, “I didn’t think about it”

Emily turned her body towards him, “You didn’t think about telling me that my best friend’s girlfriend, who is also my friend, is potentially going to be playing your wife”

“She's my friend too” Tom mumbled, his eyes firmly fixed on the road. Emily stared at him incredulously,

“Why are you being so defensive about it? I don’t expect you to tell me every single detail but that’s quite a big thing to leave out”

“I’m not being defensive, I just didn’t think it was that important”

Emily could feel herself starting to get annoyed again at his nonchalance. She shifted her body to sit straight in her seat, looking out passenger window, “Important enough for Ben to apparently be a little uncomfortable with it”

Tom’s only response was a grunt, and Emily huffed quietly. After a few moments when Tom hadn’t said any more, she glanced back at him, “So are you going to tell me about the play? I don't even know what it’s called”

“It’s called Betrayal”

Emily smirked angrily, “You’d know all about that. Should be an easy part for you”

The moment the words left her mouth she regretted it. She didn’t want to get into another fight with Tom, especially not today, not now while they were on the way to the hospital for their first scan.

“And that’s exactly why I didn’t tell you” Tom muttered, “I knew I’d get a petulant answer like that”

“You-“ Emily began but Tom shook his head, his knuckles turning white from his vice like grip on the wheel, 

“Just leave it, please. I need to concentrate on driving without being distracted by you and your snarky comments”

They spent the rest of the journey in a tense silence, and once they arrived at the hospital and checked in, Tom immediately picked up a magazine as they sat in the waiting room, flicking through it absentmindedly. Emily was just about to try and make peace with him again when the nurse called her name and they were being ushered into the all too familiar room where the scan would take place. 

As Emily readied herself on the bed and the nurse started to wheel the machine towards her, Tom took her hand between his, gripping it tightly and all the animosity from earlier was gone. She turned her head to look at him and he smiled back reassuringly, giving her a wink.

“Right, are we all ready?” The nurse said, holding the transducer just above Emily’s stomach.

Tom squeezed her hand, “Its ok, Em. I’m here with you”

Emily let out a breath, “Ok. Yeah, I’m ready”

The nurse smiled and nodded once, pressing the device to her stomach. Emily squeezed her eyes shut and clutched Tom’s hand as she waited. After a few moments of quiet, a soft noise started to come through the speakers. Wide eyed, Emily stared at Tom as he smiled at her,

“Is that……” he began.

“Oh…….” the midwife interrupted them as she looked at her screen.

“Oh god, what’s wrong?” Emily whined.

“But that’s a heartbeat, right?” Tom questioned, looking frantically between the nurse and Emily. The nurse turned to them smiling,

“That’s two heartbeats. You’re having twins”


	10. Chapter 10

They walked from the hospital in silence and across the car park towards Tom’s car. As they neared the Jaguar which was parked under a tree in the far corner, Tom glanced at Emily,

“You're quiet”

Emily grunted and shrugged her shoulders, “Just thinking I guess”

They stopped next to the car and Tom turned to her, “It was a bit of a shock, wasn’t it? But I guess this explains why you’re so big”

Emily chuckled, “I guess it does”

There was no disguising the smile on Tom’s face, “We’re having twins, Em! Not just one baby, but two!”

Emily rolled her eyes, “Yes Thomas, that’s what twins means…..two babies”

Taking a step towards her, Tom rubbed her arm, “And they’re healthy. Everything’s as it should be”

Tears starting to prick her eyes, Emily nodded quickly. This was all a bit overwhelming, in a good way mostly. Although she had to admit she was a little scared at the thought of trying to cope with two babies at the same time.

“Hey, Em, c’mon” Tom moved even closer to her, hooking his finger underneath her chin and tipping her head up to meet his eyes, “We’re gonna be ok”

Emily just looked at him. She didn’t know what to say, or how to feel. Why was nothing ever straightforward between the two of them? Why was nothing ever simple? 

Shoving his hands in his pockets and kicking nervously at some loose gravel, Tom looked like he wanted to say something else. Eventually he gave a small cough and glanced up at her,

“Would you...um…….did…….oh god, sorry” 

His cheeks were flushed as looked away and rubbed the back of his head, taking a deep breath, 

“Do you want to come back to our, I mean my house for a bit? Just for maybe a cup of tea or something. I mean you don’t have to, I can take you straight home if you’d prefer….”

Emily watched as he shook his head and opened the car door for her, “Sorry. I’ll just take you home”

He looked like a little puppy that had just been told off and god, it made Emily’s heart clench. How could he still affect her like this after everything he’d done. She should hate him, but instead the more time she spent with him the more she was sure she was still hopelessly in love with this bloody man. She reached out, touching his arm,

“Tom, it’s fine. A cup of tea sounds lovely”

Emily watched as he went from sad puppy to happy, excitable puppy in the space of two seconds, his eyes lighting up and a smile spreading across his face,

“Ok! Great! You can stay for as little or as long as you like. Just say the word and I’ll take you home”

Trying to bite back a giggle at how ridiculous he was, Emily nodded and climbed into the car. Tom shut the door behind her and practically bounced around to the drivers side, throwing himself in and looking across at her, shooting her another breathtaking smile. Starting the car, he flicked the radio on and within seconds he’d started singing along as they drove back to his house. Emily watched him as his shoulders started to wiggle, moving in time with the music. When he glanced across at her and smiled again giving her a wink, she melted. Was it really possible to both love and hate someone at the same time?

~

“Here we go” Tom announced, setting two cups down on the table as Emily rubbed Bobby's ears affectionately while he lay with his head in her lap.

“I was speaking to Luke yesterday and he suggested we think about making an official announcement” Tom looked at her cautiously, waiting for her reaction. Emily shook her head vigorously,

“I’ve had enough of my personal life spread all over the tabloids lately, thanks”

Seeing Tom’s face drop, she quickly added, “That wasn’t meant to be a dig at you, I just…….y’know…….this is private, this is our children”

Tom nodded, “I get that. But Em, you’re showing already. All it takes is for you to be spotted somewhere or for us to be seen in Mothercare buying stuff and we’ll be all over the tabloids anyway. At least this way we just get it out there with no speculation, no gossip…...we just announce it and then it’s done”

“You make it sound like a fucking business transaction” Emily snapped. Stupid man. How could he be so casual about this?

Tom rolled his eyes, “I’m just trying to do what’s best for us”

“What’s best for you” Emily retorted, “Do you have any idea how horrible it was to be hounded by paps as well as having to deal with my husband cheating on me? I don’t want to ever be in that situation again, Tom”

“Of course I know! I’ve had to deal with it for years, Em! And unfortunately now you’re going to have to as well. I wish you didn’t, but I can’t change that. All I can do is protect you as much as I can”

Emily glared at him, mumbling something about how she hadn’t signed up for this, and Tom growled in frustration, “You’ve managed it before. Remember when I first became famous and people saw us together? They talked then. When we got married and released the statement we were all over the news too!”

“That was different” Emily spat, “I had you back then”

Tom leant back on the sofa and motioned at himself, “You've got me now”

“But it was _different_. You know what I mean. We were together”

“The only person that’s stopping us being together now is you!”

Emily rolled her eyes as Bobby jumped off the sofa and retreated to his bed, his tail between his legs as he eyed them both, sitting on opposite ends of the sofa scowling at each other.

“Are we really going to have this conversation again? Do you actually need me to explain to you once more why we’re not together?”

Tom huffed and picked up his mug, taking a sip of tea as Emily shook her head and looked around the room. They sat in silence for a few moments until Tom spoke again,

“We can’t keep arguing like this, Em. Not now”

When she looked back at him, a tear rolled down her cheek and she bit her lip, shaking her head. Cautiously, Tom shuffled up the sofa towards her and put his arm around her shoulders, “Don’t get upset”

“This is so hard” Emily sniffed, “Like, so hard. One minute I feel one thing and then the next minute I feel something else, and I’m so confused and people keep asking me what I’m going to do but I don’t even know, I can’t think straight. And you’re in my head all the fucking time and……” she let out a sob and dropped her head again. Tom pulled her against his side and she went easily, burying her face in his chest. 

“Em” he whispered, “Tell me something?”

She whimpered quietly and raised her head to look at him. Tom reached out and brushed her hair away from her face, “This time next year…..Christmas Day…...when you think about it, what do you see?”

Emily gave him a withering look but Tom persisted, “Please Em. Close your eyes, think about it. What do you see?”

Emily looked down to her lap and closed her eyes with a sigh. She was quiet for a few moments as she thought. Eventually she smiled before she started to speak quietly,

“It’s snowing outside and the fire is on. I’m in my pyjamas after a huge roast dinner. The babies are playing with all the things they got for Christmas and I keep having to tell Bobby off because he’s trying to steal their soft toys”

Tom chuckled, “He will do that. We’ll have to watch him”

Emily hummed thoughtfully and continued, “We’re having a glass of wine and some cheese and biscuits and watching re runs of Gavin and Stacey”

They fell quiet again for a moment, both imagining the scene. Tom glanced at her, “You said ’we’……..Am I there too?”

Emily looked at him, holding his gaze silently before she nodded, “Yes”

Tom exhaled and he could feel tears brimming his eyes, “Em” he stuttered

Another tear slipped from Emily’s eye and trickled down her cheek as she looked at him, “I tried to imagine a future without you, but I can’t. I can’t stop loving you”

Cupping her cheek in his hand, Tom smiled at her, “I want a future with you, Em. With our babies…..I want us to be a family. I want all those things you imagined” he leant towards her but Emily flinched and ducked away from him, avoiding the kiss.

“This doesn’t make everything ok, Tom”

Retreating, Tom nodded solemnly, “I know. I’m sorry”

“I don’t know if we can make the dream a reality, I really don’t” Emily sighed, “We’re a mess”

Tom reached out and took her hand, “If we both want this, we can make it. It’s me and you, Em. It’s always been me and you”

“And Taylor” the words were out of Emily’s mouth before she could stop herself. She glanced up at Tom as he let go of her hand and looked away and she couldn’t tell if he was angry or hurt.

“This is what I mean, Tom! I can’t forget what you did! It’s gonna take me a long time to trust you again…...if I ever can”

She grabbed for his hand, holding onto it tightly in her lap as he turned back to look at her, 

“You have to forget about Taylor. Please”

Emily squeezed his hand as she nodded, “And you have to understand that you can’t pressure me in any way. Jesus Tom, we’re so fragile that we could break at any moment and if we do, then there won’t be any going back”

Tom raised their joined hands to his lips and kissed her knuckles gently, “I’ll do anything, Em. I’ll do whatever you want, I promise”

“We have to take this slowly, ok? We’ve got to learn to be friends before we even think about anything else. We have to get back to the way we used to be. And then, maybe, We can go on a date”

Tom smiled, “A date, huh? That sounds fun”

“I’m being serious, Tom. We never dated…...we went from zero to one hundred in the space of a few hours and I’m not saying that was wrong but it was all so intense and we rushed into everything”

Seeing the look of dismay on Tom’s face, Emily quickly continued, “And I don’t regret it…..it was everything I wanted, but when I look back I think maybe we should have taken it slower. We thought we knew everything because we’d been friends for so long but being friends is very different to being in a relationship”

Tom nodded, “We can take it slowly Em. You’re totally in control of this and I’ll go at whatever pace you want” 

He smiled at her cheekily, “ I’d really love to take you out on a date. No expense spared. I’m gonna woo you properly this time”

Emily couldn’t help but giggle, “I’ll hold you to that”

“Please do” Tom replied with a wink. God, it was gonna take every ounce of willpower Emily had to not just give in to lust and throw herself at him. To let him take her, touch her, make her fall apart in ways only he could. But she knew they had to do this right, and that meant rediscovering their friendship first and foremost and remembering why they fell in love with each other in the first place so many years ago. If they could get that back, the rest would be easy. But it was a big if after everything that had happened. 

Tom cleared his throat, “Can I give you a hug? Friends hug, right?”

Emily giggled and nodded, “Yes. Friends hug, yeah”

Tom opened his arms and she shuffled along the sofa and pressed herself against his chest as he held her tight, 

“I won’t let you down again Em, I promise” he whispered.

~

Emily hadn’t felt this happy in months. Her and Tom still had their moments where they bickered and they definitely still needed to work on that, but they’d spent almost every evening together for the last week and it was becoming just like old times. They became more and more comfortable in each others company every day and flirted shamelessly with each other. Emily felt like a teenager with a crush, the way her stomach somersaulted every time she thought of Tom and how she smiled so ridiculously wide every time his name was mentioned. So when Tom had asked Emily to go with him to see his mum to tell her about the pregnancy, she didn’t even think twice. Besides, she always loved to see Diana. The only thing was, she didn’t know what Tom had told his mum about the current state of their relationship and there was no way she could go into this weekend without knowing so during a break in one of their carpool karaoke sessions on the drive to Diana’s house, Emily decided it was time to broach the subject.

“Tom?”

“Yes darling?” Emily had to take a breath every time he called her that. It was such a small thing but it still made her heart jump.

“What does your mum know about us? Y’know, about how things are between us. You have spoken to her since we separated, right?”

Tom chuckled, “Oh yes, I’ve spoken to her. She rang me when she saw the news and went absolutely feral. I got the bollocking of my life” he glanced across at Emily, “Rightly so”

“But what about now? Have you told her that we’re…….” she trailed off and made a vague hand gesture which made Tom chuckle,

“She knows we’re talking again. She got quite excited when I told her you’d be coming with me to visit”

Emily realised just how excited Diana was when they pulled up on the drive in front of her house. Before she had even taken her seatbelt off, Diana had flung the front door open and dashed across the drive towards the car. Emily climbed out and was immediately smothered by Tom’s mother as she squeezed her within an inch of her life. She glanced at Tom who had rounded the car and was standing to the side, watching the exchange with his arms folded and an amused look.

“Emily, darling” Diana exclaimed, finally releasing her and gripping her shoulders. She took a step back and took Emily in, her eyes a little glassy,

“I’m so glad you’re here. You look well” 

“Hello mum, I’m here too remember?” Tom interrupted, giving a little wave as Diana turned to him, kissing him on the cheek and embracing him,

“Let’s get inside, it’s freezing out here”

Diana turned and Emily glanced at Tom who gestured for her to go first, “She hasn’t noticed yet” he mumbled as they followed her back to the house.

“I’m wearing a big padded jacket” Emily replied, “It’ll be game over as soon as this comes off”

Once into the house, Tom and Emily took their jackets and shoes off while Diana was already in the kitchen making them a drink.

“You ready?” Tom asked her, reaching out and stroking his hand gently over her belly.

“Ready to give your mother a heart attack? No”

Tom laughed, “Come on”

Emily followed him towards the kitchen and Diana glanced up with a smile before doing a double take. The teaspoon she was holding fell to the floor with a clatter as she stared open mouthed at Emily. Slowly she started to walk towards her, her hands outstretched. As she drew level with her, she placed them on Emily’s bump as she stared at it, running her hands over it.

“Thomas, please tell me this is your child” she demanded, without looking up. Emily snorted and Tom threw his head back letting out a belly laugh as finally Diana looked up at them. 

Tom took a step towards his mother and placed his hand on her shoulder, “It's not my child mum, it’s my children. We’re having twins”

“Oh dear god” Diana breathed, reaching for the dining chair behind her and hauling it out far enough for her to sink into it. She covered her face with her hands as Tom and Emily exchanged nervous glances. When she eventually dropped her hands and looked at them both, her eyes were full of tears, 

“What does this mean for you two?”

Tom looked to Emily and back to his mum, “I guess you could say we’re a work in progress. We’re taking things a day at a time”

Diana stood up and reached out, taking one of their hands in each of hers, “But you’re happy?”

Tom looked at Emily, and she smiled and gave a nod, “We are”

Diana tugged then both towards her and wrapped her arms around them, “If you’re happy then I’m happy”

Behind her back, Tom’s hand found Emily’s and he squeezed it, feeling her squeeze back immediately,

“We are” he repeated.


	11. Chapter 11

Once they had spent a few hours chatting and then had dinner, Diana busied herself in the kitchen tidying up while Tom and Emily relaxed in the living room.

“Fancy going for a walk?” Tom looked at Emily as she rubbed her hands over her stomach. 

She shrugged, "I was thinking about going to see Mum. You don't have to come with me though if you don’t want to”

Tom was already on his feet, “Come on, I could do with walking of that huge dinner. I don’t have an excuse for being fat like you do”

Emily gasped and threw a cushion at him, “Do I need to remind you that you are to blame for me being fat?”

“Don’t seem to remember you complaining at the time” Tom retorted with a cheeky smile. Standing, Emily shook her head as she smiled back,

“Shut up and put your coat on”

She watched as Tom walked off into the hall and took a deep breath. Thinking about the day she fell pregnant brought back so many memories, and unfortunately most of them not good. But she was trying to move past it, trying to forget about Taylor just as he’d asked her too. She had to try otherwise there was no hope for them. 

They walked into the village centre, stopping at the local florist to pick up some flowers before making their way to the cemetery and to Anne’s grave. Emily lay the flowers down and they stood there side by side in silence for a few minutes until Emily spoke,

“How things have changed since we were here last year. I wonder what Mum would think about all this”

Tom sniffed loudly and she turned to look at him to find him in tears as he shook his head,

“I keep letting her down”

Emily reached out and placed her hand on his arm as he sniffed again, “Before she died I promised her I’d look after you and I didn’t. Last year I promised her I’d never let you down again, but I did. God, Em…..I’m so sorry”

“Hey, it’s ok” Emily breathed, tugging him towards her and hugging him, “It’s ok”

“It’s not though” Tom snuffled into her shoulder, “I’ve been so stupid”

Letting out a giggle, Emily replied, “You have, yeah. I can’t argue with that”

Letting go of her, Tom wiped his eyes with his sleeve and reached for her hand, “I’m gonna make this up to you, I promise”

Emily smiled at him, “I know”

“We’re getting there, aren’t we?” He asked as Emily started to guide him away from the grave and they began walking again.

“It’s still very early days, but yeah I think so” Emily replied, glancing up at him, “We’re going in the right direction. Although I never realised before what an outrageous flirt you are”

Tom grimaced, “I cant help it, I just get carried away sometimes. I’m sorry”

“Don’t be! This is what we missed last time. The flirting, the chemistry…….you know? It’s fun”

“You think we’ve got chemistry?” Tom looked at her as the made their way towards the exit of the cemetery.

“Yes, of course! Don’t you?”

Tom nodded, “Absolutely. It’s just nice to hear you say it”

“It’s not always good though. That’s what we need to work on. The arguing has to stop, Tom”

Tom chuckled, “It’s always silly stuff though, isn’t it? The other day we ended up shouting at each other about my jumper”

Emily hummed, “I stand by that one. You always wear that bloody navy jumper and it’s falling apart. You just took it way too personally”

“But I like this jumper…..it’s comfortable”

Emily groaned and rolled her eyes. Suddenly she stopped dead, realising where they were at the same time as Tom.

"Shit, Em, I’m sorry. I was just walking, I should have paid more attention to where we were going”

“It’s fine” Emily mumbled, staring at the house in front of them - her childhood home, lit up by the street lights in the dusk. Without thinking she reached blindly for Tom, tucking herself against his side as his arm snaked around her shoulders.

“Brings back memories, huh?” he said quietly.

Emily nodded, “Yeah. Nice memories”

“Of me?” 

Emily looked at him, “Of course they’re of you! And Mum too obviously”

“We had some good times in that house didn’t we? You, me and our mothers”

“We did. A lot has happened since then”

Tom rubbed his hand up and down Emily’s arm, “But we’ve been through it all together. Me and you, like we always said”

Emily looked up at him and smiled, just as a large drop of rain hit her in the face. She blinked and yelped as more started to fall, hitting the pavement loudly.

“Shit, c’mon” Tom cursed, grabbing Emily's hand as they started to jog back to his mums house, the rain getting progressively harder as they went. By the time they were bursting through the front door they were both drenched. The house was in darkness, Diana obviously having retired to bed. 

“Oh my god, I’m soaked” Tom exclaimed as he flicked the light on in the hall and peeled his coat off as Emily did the same. Once he’d discarded his shoes, he pulled his jumper over his head and started to unbuckle his belt.

“What are you doing?” Emily stuttered, trying not to stare at his bare chest. God, he was gorgeous.

“Taking these wet clothes off. Take yours off too and I’ll go and hang them up to dry in the utility room”

Emily looked at him hesitantly as he unzipped his jeans and shoved them down his legs. He glanced up at her, “Em, come on! I’ve seen you naked for gods sake, take them off before you catch a cold”

He dropped his wet clothes on the floor, “Wait there”

He disappeared into the living room and came back with one of the blankets from the sofa, holding it out, ready to wrap around Emily once she’d got undressed. She looked at him again for a few seconds before sighing and pulling her jumper and vest top over her head and unfastening her jeans. When she was down to her underwear she looked back at Tom who was staring at her wide eyed. He shook his head,

“God Em, you’re beautiful” he breathed, letting the blanket fall to the floor and dropping to his knees in front of her, cradling her bump in his hands. Dipping his head, he kissed it softly and Emily shivered. Not from the cold, but from the way her body reacted to his touch. She reached out and ran her hand through his hair as he placed another gentle kiss on her stomach. She could feel the heat spreading through her body. She ached for him, for her husband.

“Tom” she breathed

He looked up at her and smiled as he got back to his feet “Sorry….Just giving my children a kiss”

“In your pants” Emily mumbled, her eyes roaming his body. She couldn't help it, it had been so long since she’d seen Tom like this and he still took her breath away. He watched her with a smug smile on his face,

“Like what you see?”

Snapping herself out of it and in an attempt to diffuse the situation, Emily chuckled, “I’m going to bed”

Moving closer to her, Tom held her gaze, “You don’t have to sleep in the spare room you know”

Emily took him in again, her eyes dropping to his crotch where she could see very obviously that he was becoming aroused. She couldn't deny she was too, thinking of what could happen if she agreed. Her body was screaming for him, but her head told her no…...not yet. As much as they clearly both wanted it, they weren’t ready for that.

She took a step forwards and stood on tiptoe, kissing Tom on the cheek,

“Goodnight, Tom”

Emily picked up the blanket from the floor and wrapped it around her shoulders, giving Tom a smile as she walked past him and up the stairs. 

Once in the safety of the spare bedroom, she got herself ready for bed and crawled in between the sheets. She lay there for what seemed like hours, desperately trying to sleep, tossing and turning. She felt exhausted, so why couldn’t she sleep? In all the times she’d stayed in this house, she’d never actually slept in this room, always ending up creeping into Tom’s bed with him. Eventually with a sigh, she flung the covers back and climbed out of bed, opening the door and creeping along the corridor to Tom’s room. She pushed the door slowly, trying not to make any noise, and peeked in. Tom was fast asleep on his back, breathing heavily. Closing the door behind her, she tiptoed across the room and gently lifted the covers, sliding into bed next to Tom as he stirred, 

“Everything ok?” He mumbled sleepily.

“Couldn’t sleep” Emily whispered

Tom hummed as he settled behind her, plastering his body to her back and sliding his arm around her waist.

“No funny business, Hiddleston”

“Mmmmmm. Just a cuddle” he slurred. Seconds later his breathing evened out and Emily knew he’d fallen asleep again. Within a few minutes her eyelids were getting heavy and finally she dropped off too, safe in Tom’s arms.

~

When Emily woke up the next morning, the bed was empty. She yawned and stretched, looking around the familiar bedroom that she’d slept in so many times .If anyone had asked her where in the world she felt the safest, it would be there in that room. It had been her home for a while after her mum had died and even before that she would spend almost as much time there as she did at her own house. When she was there with Tom, she’d always felt like that was where she was supposed to be. 

At that moment the door opened quietly and Tom crept in, a smile immediately spreading across his face when he saw Emily,

“Ah, you’re awake! I brought you a coffee”

Emily propped herself up in bed and held her arms out to take the mug from him. Taking a sip of his own, Tom climbed onto the bed and settled himself next to her,

“Did you sleep ok?”

Emily nodded, “Sorry if I disturbed you…...you didn’t mind, did you?”

Tom frowned at her, “Did I mind my wife getting into bed with me? What do you think?”

“It just felt weird being in the spare room. I needed…….” Emily paused and looked up at Tom,

“I needed you”

Tom smiled at her and she could see how happy he was to hear her say that. He took a deep breath before answering, “I don’t want you to ever stop needing me”

Emily dropped her head to rest on his shoulder and they sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes as Tom clutched his now empty mug, tapping his hand against it absentmindedly, his wedding ring making a gentle clinking sound. Emily had noticed that it had still been firmly in place since their separation. She reached forwards and took hold of his hand, spinning the ring around his finger,

“You haven't taken it off”

“Because we’re still married”

Tom moved away from Emily so that he could look at her as he continued, “And I’ll continue to wear it until the day I sign divorce papers. Although I’m hoping that day won’t ever come”

Emily nodded slowly, still twirling the ring on his finger as she bit her lip.

“I understand why you’re not wearing yours at the moment but if we make this work, maybe you’ll feel like you can put it back on again one day. No pressure, just if or when you’re ready”

Emily sighed, “We really fucked everything up, didn’t we?”

Tom shook his head, “ _ I  _ did. But I’m so happy you’ve given me another chance. I won’t ever let you down again”

His eyes dropped to her lips and Emily let out a shaky breath as they looked at each other,

“I really want to kiss you” Tom whispered.

Emily realised she was holding her breath. She didn’t trust herself to speak or even move because she knew that if she did, she’d be reaching for him, begging him to kiss her. She couldn't take her eyes off his lips as his tongue darted out, licking them slowly. Their hands were still joined and Tom lifted them, kissing Emily’s knuckles gently without breaking eye contact with her,

“That will have to do for now” he said quietly, his breath warm against her skin, making her shiver with anticipation. When or if they did reunite properly, my god it was going to be explosive. 

Tom released his grip on her hand and climbed off the bed,  “I’m going to grab a shower…...a cold one” he smiled at Emily and she smirked, shaking her head.

“Why don’t you go downstairs and have some breakfast?”

Emily hummed in agreement, hauling herself off the bed, “I’ll see you in a bit…...enjoy your shower”

Walking towards the door she paused and looked over her shoulder, giving him a smug smile as he looked back at her, pulling his t shirt over his head.

“I’m going” Emily announced quickly. She wasn’t sure who she was talking to - Tom or herself. She couldn’t stand there and watch him get undressed in front of her again though. She hurried out of the room and made her way downstairs to the kitchen where she found Diana sitting at the table reading the paper. She looked up as Emily entered,

“Good morning sweetheart! Did you sleep ok?” She raised an eyebrow and Emily smiled, knowing she’d been busted. Of course Diana knew where she had slept last night.

“What would you like to eat?” Diana asked, getting up from her seat but Emily held her hand up, 

“It’s ok, I was just going to have some toast. I can do it”

“How about I make you a cup of tea then and we can have a chat”

Emily had suspected this might be coming. She hadn’t spoken to Diana privately since her and Tom had split up and she’d expected her mother in law would sieze an opportunity to catch her on her own. They set about making drinks and breakfast in silence, Emily moving around the kitchen familiarly, everything still kept where it had always been.

Once they were both seated back at the table, Emily with a steaming mug of tea in one hand and a piece of thickly sliced homemade toasted bread in the other, Diana started to talk, 

“Emily, I need to apologise”

Looking up at her, Emily frowned in confusion.

“On behalf of my son. He’s an idiot”

Emily smirked and coughed as her toast nearly went down the wrong way. She quickly took a gulp of tea and cleared her throat as Diana continued.

“Honestly, I don’t know what goes through his head sometimes. What he did……” she trailed off and shook her head in disappointment, “Thank you for giving him another chance. I thought he’d lost you”

Emily sighed, putting her toast down on her plate, “He did for a while”

She shrugged, “Maybe he still has”

Diana observed her silently for a few minutes before she spoke again, “I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you, finding out the way you did”

“He broke my heart” Emily whispered, tears pricking at her eyes as she was forced to relive all the emotions of the event. Diana reached out and placed her hand over Emily’s,

“Do you still love him?” 

Emily sighed as she nodded, “I love him  _ so  _ much. But I don't know if that’s enough?”

“My darling girl, the bond you and Thomas have is unbreakable, I really believe that. I don’t doubt that what’s happened has weakened it, but I’m sure it’s not irreparable”

She squeezed Emily's hand gently, “As cliche as it sounds, you’re soulmates. Some people spend their whole life searching for the sort of connection that you two have - so strong, so intense. It’s not going to be easy, but don’t throw it away”

She leant back in her chair, “I’m not just saying that because he’s my son. I love you like a daughter and I wouldn’t want to see you get hurt, be it by Thomas or anyone else. But I think you have something worth saving”

Emily nodded, “We’re trying”

“Take it slowly, don’t force it”

Picking at what was left of her breakfast, Emily sighed, “It’s hard to take it slowly sometimes. We’ve been getting on so well again lately, and……….well, Tom’s a very attractive man. It’s difficult not to get carried away, if you know what I mean”

Diana chuckled, “Good things come to those who wait, Emily. There’s no rush, you’ll have the rest of your lives together if you can get through this”

Her eyes flicked down to Emily’s belly, “And not to mention two beautiful children as well. You’ll be a family”

Emily smiled, resting her hand on the bump, “He’s going to make an amazing dad”

Diana smiled back as she nodded in agreement, “He’ll absolutely dote on those children. But I don’t think even  _ they _ will be able to come close the the way he loves you”

Emily took a last sip of her tea before answering quietly, “I wish loving him back wasn’t so scary”

Diana stood up, collecting the mugs from the table. She paused in front of Emily and placed her hand on her shoulder, “If you don’t try, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life”

~

“So we’re going to do this from your Twitter account, Tom” Luke confirmed, pushing his glasses up his nose as he scribbled in his notebook. Seated across his dining room table, Tom looked at Emily and then back to Luke, nodding.

“So” Luke took a deep breath and picked up his notepad, “We’re all finally agreed on the wording?”

Emily glanced at Tom as his jaw stiffened, “Read it to me again”

Luke was starting to look pretty done with this whole meeting and Emily couldn’t blame him. Releasing a statement to announce her pregnancy should have been relatively straightforward, but instead Luke had had to deal with Tom and Emily arguing over pretty much every sentence, one or other of them unhappy with the wording. Now it was finally drafted, but Tom was quite obviously sulking about it.

With an exasperated sigh, Luke began to read, “I’m excited to announce that myself and Emily are expecting twins, due this summer. Despite our decision to separate several months ago, Emily and I remain best friends and our priority will be ensuring that our children grow up in a positive and loving environment. Please respect our privacy during this period and understand that I will not be commenting on this any further”

Emily nodded as Tom huffed and tapped his fingers loudly on the table, “Still think we don’t need to mention our separation”

Luke put down his notepad and cautiously eyed them both.

“It’s fine, Luke. You can head off now if you like” Emily encouraged, smiling at him. He really didn’t need to stick around and deal with Tom’s mood any longer, poor guy. Standing up, he nodded,

“I’ll give you a day to think it over in case you do want to change anything…...again”

Tom looked up, giving his manager a scathing look before launching himself off his chair and storming away to the kitchen.

“You sure you don’t want me to hang on a bit longer?” Luke asked as Emily walked him to the front door. Emily shook her head,

“I can handle him. He’s just pissed off, especially the timing with Betrayal starting in a couple of weeks”

“None of us wanted the announcement to be like this, Em. But he knows as well as we do that unfortunately it’s also publicity for the play”

Luke stopped and looked at her, “I mean, that’s not why we’re doing this”

Emily chuckled, “I know. This was never going to be easy, whenever we did it”

Reaching the front door, Luke leant over and gave her a kiss on the cheek, “Good luck…...call me if you need anything. Otherwise I’ll let you both know when I’ve posted the announcement tomorrow”

Once Emily had seen Luke off, she reluctantly headed back into the house to face Tom. Finding him still in the kitchen, she leant against the counter as he glanced at her and continued making them tea with a face like thunder.

“Tom” Emily said quietly, “Hey”

Tom shook his head as he poured milk into their mugs, “I’m not dealing with all this very well today”

Emily took a step forwards, “It’s ok”

“It’s  _ not  _ ok!” Tom growled, thumping his fist on the worktop, causing Emily to back up again immediately as he leant gripped the counter, dropping his head forwards,

“I hate this whole fucking situation. I fucking hate it. I know it was me who suggested this fucking statement but hate that I have to do it, that  _ we  _ have to do it. I hate that I have to tell people that we’re separated, because we’re sort of not any more but we’re not together either. Everything is a mess and it’s all my fault and I fucking hate it all”

His breathing was ragged as he covered his face with his hands and let out a barely audible sob. Emily walked over to him and slid her hands around his waist, cuddling him from behind,

“I’m sorry” she whispered.

Turning in her arms, Tom wrapped his arms around her shoulders and rested his head against hers, letting out a sigh, “Me too”

Suddenly Emily drew in a sharp breath and winced, immediately releasing Tom and grabbing for his hand,

“You ok?” He asked frowning.

Wordlessly, Emily guided his hand to her belly, holding it still for a minute until Tom felt something nudge against his hand. His face lit up as he looked at Emily,

“Is that…….”

Emily nodded, “Your babies don’t like their daddy being upset”

Tom stared at Emily’s belly, his hands frozen in place as Emily watched him. She’d gotten quite used to feeling the babies move and kick by now but Tom had been so busy rehearsing for the play lately that he hadn’t been around much, and when he was they always seemed to keep remarkably still. Tom had been increasingly frustrated that he hadn’t been able to feel them move yet and Emily had tried everything, even using google for suggestions on how to encourage them to do something but they seemingly went to sleep as soon as their dad was in the room. So this was a big moment for Tom, and Emily wanted to cry she was so happy for him.

“Does it hurt?” He asked, looking back up at her. She shrugged, 

“Sometimes…….especially if they get me in the ribs” she screwed her face up as one of them did what felt like a somersault, demonstrating how much a kick to the ribs hurt.

“Let’s go and sit down” Tom suggested, rubbing her back as Emily took a couple of deep breaths before nodding and heading towards the lounge. Tom followed with their mugs, putting them on the table and sitting down next to Emily,

“Once this is all out in the open, we can start going shopping for baby stuff. We can start making plans”

Emily smiled and nodded, doing her best to look positive. Making plans for once the babies were born was certain to lead to more disagreements, especially when she knew Tom would be expecting her to move back in with him. She knew she wasn’t ready for that, but she wasn’t sure Tom would see it that way. Everything they’d built over the last few months could come crashing back down around them, and that scared the hell out of her. 


	12. Chapter 12

When the announcement went out on Tom’s Twitter account (courtesy of Luke), Emily went into hiding…….at Tom’s house. In all honesty she hadn’t taken much persuading when Tom suggested she stay there for a few days to lie low. So she’d arranged to work from home, although the extent of said work was checking her emails a couple of times a day and responding to anything urgent, in between binge watching Netflix series and eating junk food. Tom had managed to clear his diary so he could lay low too and they’d hadn’t left his house for nearly three days. They’d been sharing the same bed too, huddling together under the covers and talking until they fell asleep just like they had all those years ago, before things got complicated. Tom never tried to take things further although Emily knew that if she initiated it, he certainly wouldn’t turn her down. She had to admit she’d considered it a few times - being in such close proximity to a nearly naked Tom Hiddleston and not doing anything about it was no mean feat. But every time she was ready to give in, she reminded herself that they had to take this slowly - they had to get it right. A quick fumble might solve their immediate frustrations but in the long run she knew they needed more time. Everything was going so well between them, they couldn’t mess it all up now.

~ 

“We should talk baby names” Tom announced as he reappeared from the kitchen where he had been refilling the large bowl of crisps they had been working their way through while they watched Umbrella Academy. He lifted Emily’s feet up from the sofa and sat down, resting them gently back down in his lap and looking at her,

“If we’re not gonna find out the sexes, we need a handful of boys and girls names. I have some ideas”

Emily leant forwards as far as she could, making grabby hands at the newly replenished bowl as she whined pathetically. Tom chuckled and reached for the bowl, handing it over to her. Grabbing a handful of crisps, Emily sat back and started to cram them into her mouth,

“Let’s hear them then” 

“For a boy, I like Jasper”

Emily started at him, “Tom, this isn’t a Twilight movie”

“How about Rex?” 

Emily rolled her eyes, “Nor is it Jurassic Park”

“Arthur?”

Emily didn’t even respond, and instead screwed up her face as she reached for more crisps.

“Well do you have any suggestions?” Tom asked, looking visibly offended at Emily’s dismissal of all his offerings.

“Hunter?”

Tom hummed and looked away as he considered it, before frowning, “Hunter Hiddleston? God, no”

“Parker?”

Tom gave her a withering look, “God Em, can’t we have something a bit more normal?”

Emily huffed, “If you had your way our children would be named after Shakespearean characters”

Tom ran his hand through his hair showing a hint of frustration, “Ok, let’s come back to boys. What about girls?”

“Willow?”

“No”

“Scarlett?”

“No”

“Lyra?”

“No. God, no”

Emily groaned and closed her eyes, dropping her head back on the sofa. This was always going to be difficult, more so now when they had to have at least two names for both boys and girls. 

“Here” Tom shuffled up the sofa towards her and Emily opened her eyes again as he leant in to her, his phone in his hand. She looked at the baby names website, taking the phone from him so she could see the screen better. 

“Surely there must be some here that we can agree on” Tom said quietly, wriggling closer to Emily as she started to scroll through the never ending list. She could feel his breath on her shoulder and it was making it very hard to concentrate but she tried to focus on the screen, smirking as she looked at some of the truly obscure suggestions. Suddenly she stopped, her finger hovering in mid air,

“What about that one?”

When Tom didn’t reply, she turned her head to look at him, finding him smiling widely at her,

“Yes. Yes, I like that”

“We should write it down” Emily suggested. Their faces were only inches apart and she watched as Tom’s eyes dropped to her lips.

“Yeah” he replied quietly, but didn’t move. She knew what he was thinking, and she was thinking it too. They were both still - silently looking at each other and Emily was pretty sure her heart was about to beat out of her chest. 

“Tom?”

“Hmmmm?”

“Get a pen” Emily whispered, still unable to tear her gaze from him. He looked at her for a few more seconds before taking a breath,

“A pen, yes. And some paper”

Emily exhaled deeply as he moved away from her to rummage around in the drawer of the coffee table. As he bent forwards Emily was treated to a full view of his backside. Before she knew it, she had stretched her arm out and squeezed it, hard. Tom squeaked in surprise as Emily realised what she’d just done.

“Shit, sorry” she gasped, curling herself into a ball in the corner of the sofa as Tom turned to look at her. As Emily stared at him, his expression turned from surprised to amused and she let out a nervous giggle,

“Sorry. You’ve got such a nice bum, and it was right in my face, and…….” She groaned and covered her face with her hands, 

“I need to stop talking” she mumbled.

Tom laughed and she felt the sofa dip as he sat down next to her, “And there’s me trying to behave myself and be a gentleman!”

Dropping her hands, Emily glanced across to where he was sitting with a cushion in his lap and a piece of paper and a pen atop it,

“Focus, Emily. Baby names” she mumbled to herself, making Tom smirk again. She grabbed the pen and waved it in his face,

“Write, please”

They spent the next hour or so navigating several websites and making notes of the names they both liked before shortlisting three names for each sex. Tom had been fidgeting the whole time, crossing and uncrossing his legs and wiggling around, the cushion still firmly in place in his lap. Eventually he excused himself, claiming he’d be back in a minute, before disappearing towards the bedroom. Not thinking much of it, Emily continued looking at stuff on the web. After a good 10 minutes or more Tom still hadn’t reappeared.

“Tom? You ok?” Emily shouted. She cocked her head, waiting for an answer but all that met her was silence. Frowning, she heaved herself off the sofa and wandered towards the bedroom, pressing her ear against the closed door.

“Tom?” She called again.

Nothing. 

Gently, she turned the handle and poked her head into the room, only to find it empty. Opening the door wider, she stepped into the room and glanced towards the en suite where the door was slightly ajar. 

“Tom? Are you-“ she began, pushing the door open and stopping dead as Tom looked at her with flushed cheeks and wide eyes. He was standing over the toilet, one hand braced on the wall, his trousers undone and hanging low around his hips and his other hand wrapped around his cock. They were both completely still as Emily looked at him, her eyes darting frantically between his face and his rock hard cock. She could feel heat spreading through her body and her head was screaming at her to move, but she didn’t know which way to go. Part of her was desperate to go to him, bat his hand out the way and drop to her knees in front of him and suck him until he couldn’t remember his name.

“Oh god, sorry” she stuttered, starting to back out the room as Tom stayed frozen in the position she’d found him, “I’ll just, um…..leave you to….I mean, Um, I’ll go and make us tea…..or something and you can…..you know” she gestured at his cock and immediately turned, fleeing the room as quickly as she could without looking back. She headed for the kitchen, flicking the kettle on as she passed it and yanking the back door open. She gasped as she opened her mouth to breathe in the cold, fresh air and fanned at her face, swallowing loudly. Holy Jesus fucking Christ on a bike. She closed her eyes and all she could see was Tom pleasuring himself. She felt like it was burnt into her retinas and hell, if that was all she was destined to see for the rest of her life, she was ok with that. Albeit a little frustrated too.

Hearing movement behind her, Emily turned to see Tom shuffling into the room. He glanced up at her and she could see the visible blush on his cheeks,

“That was a little awkward” he said quietly.

Emily bit her lip and looked at him as she closed the door again. She sighed, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just barged in like that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, first off I grope you like some old pervert and then I just burst into the bathroom with no respect for your privacy. I was just wondering where you’d got to, I didn’t mean to interrupt your……….” She made a vague hand motion towards his crotch and he blushed even more, taking a seat at the breakfast bar and drawing circles on the counter with his finger.

“I just……...when you grabbed my bum earlier it got me a bit worked up. I know it sounds stupid that something so simple could send me that crazy, but it’s the first time you’ve…..you know, touched me like that for a long time”

He glanced up at her and back down to his frantic circling as he smirked, “Why do you think I had that cushion in my lap the whole time?”

Emily let out a giggle which soon turned in to full on hysterics. For several minutes she was laughing so hard she couldn't even talk, Tom watching her intently but with a wide smile.

“Oh god, I’m sorry” Emily gasped, dabbing tears from her eyes, “it’s not even that funny, I don’t know why I’m laughing”

She jumped up to sit on the counter next to Tom, “This is hard though, isn’t it?”

Tom raised an eyebrow, “In more ways than one, yes”

Emily giggled again, “Seriously! I want you to know that this isn’t easy for me either, ok? I love how things are between us at the moment, but I don’t wanna rush it. Does that make sense?”

Tom nodded, “Of course. And like I told you, you’re in control. We can take things as slowly as you want”

“Cuddles are nice though” Emily added

“Is that a hint?”

Emily smiled, shrugging, “Maybe”

Tom got to his feet and opened his arms, stepping inbetween her legs and enveloping her in a huge hug. Emily closed her eyes and relaxed against him as he groaned quietly,

“Well this position isn’t helping”

Remembering the amount of times they’d been in this exact position in this exact place but minus their clothes, Emily huffed in frustration. 

“Do you ever think maybe we could just…….y’know…….get rid of some frustration? Just like, once?” She whispered. She felt Tom draw in a sharp breath,

“All the time. Every damn day” 

He released his hold on her so that he could look at her, his face just millimetres from hers, “Just say the word Em, and I’m yours. I’ll……”

He stopped and sighed heavily, “God, the things I’d do to you”

Emily still had her hands resting on his waist and she slid them around to his stomach and slowly up his chest,

“It would go against everything we’ve agreed” she mumbled, keeping eye contact with him as his eyes flickered shut and he let out another shaky breath. He cupped her cheek with one hand as the other ran down her side,

“It would be a very bad idea”

“So bad” Emily breathed, closing her eyes, “But so good”

Tom tilted his head, leaning closer to her. She could feel his breath on her face,

“Say the word, Em. Just say it”

“We shouldn’t” Emily mumbled, sliding her hands up to his shoulders and hooking them around his neck.

“We shouldn’t” Tom repeated, and to her surprise took a step backwards, “We can’t. I respect you and everything we’ve built too much to risk it all. Not being able to keep it in my pants is what got us in this situation in the first place”

He took her hand, “it’s not that I don’t want to, god knows I do. God Em, I wanna take you right there on that damn counter just like I have done hundreds of times before……”

Emily whimpered and squeezed her thighs together in an attempt to stop the ache that was growing from between her legs, making Tom chuckle,

“It’s kinda reassuring to know I’m not the only one who’s struggling with this”

“You have no idea” Emily groaned.

“Let me ask you something” Tom said, retaking his seat next to her, “And if you can one hundred percent truthfully answer me yes, then I’ll take you to bed this very moment”

Emily looked at him confused as he continued, “Do you trust me, Em?”

He’d got her. She looked at him, pausing before she answered, “I do”

Tom reached for her hand, “Do you trust me completely, with your whole heart?”

Emily bit her lip and shook her head, “Not yet”

Tom squeezed her hand and forced a small smile, “That’s why we have to wait”

“I’m sorry” Emily stuttered, her eyes filling with tears.

“Darling, you have nothing to be sorry about. We’ve just got to hang in there a bit longer”

Emily hummed and swung her legs, looking at the floor. She knew he was right but god, she wanted him so badly. 

“Hey” Tom said, standing up and hooking his thumb under her chin to tilt her head up, “it’ll be worth the wait. I promise”

Once again their faces were now only inches apart as Emily looked up at him, and she knew she needed to kiss him. Before she even had a chance to make the move, Tom had pressed his lips softly against hers. She immediately opened her mouth to deepen the kiss and Tom made a barely audible noise as his tongue slid against hers. Oh, how she’d missed this. The feel of his lips, how he tasted, the way his tongue danced with hers. Tom’s thumb caressed her cheek and she pulled him closer to her until there was no space left between them and she could feel his heart beating against her chest. It was slow and soft, and Emily wanted to get lost in him forever. All too soon though Tom was pulling back and resting his forehead against hers, smiling widely as his eyes sparkled in the fading light,

“Let’s make that tea now”

~

They ended up deciding against tea and instead cooking dinner together, chatting and stealing kisses as they moved around the kitchen. Emily felt like she was on cloud nine, high on Tom and ridiculously happy, knowing that their relationship was growing stronger every day. 

“Let’s go shopping tomorrow” Tom suggested enthusiastically, finishing the last of his dinner and laying his knife and fork down on his plate as he leant back on his chair and looked at Emily, “We haven’t bought one single thing for the babies yet, we’re so disorganised”

Emily nodded as she finished her own food, “Yeah, I guess we should start thinking about clothes, toys, buggies…….and getting their rooms all set”

“Rooms? They’ll share a bedroom while they’re babies won’t they?”

Taking a sip of her water, Emily readied herself for the hell that was about to break loose. She put the glass down slowly and met Tom’s eyes,

“A nursery here, and one at my house”

She watched as his face dropped, “But why do they need one at your house? You’ll be living here won’t you?”

Emily sighed, looking away and unable to watch the disappointment on his face.

“Won’t you? Emily?”

She grimaced as she looked back to him. She’d been dreading this conversation. Tom folded his arms as he glared at her,

“You won’t, will you?”

“I……..well maybe not straight away…..“ Emily started but Tom cut her off, leaning forwards with his elbows on the table,

“When exactly were you going to tell me that I won’t even be living with my children once they’re born?”

“I just thought it would be best if they had rooms at both our houses” Emily stuttered as Tom slammed his hands on that table and pushed his chair back with more force than necessary. 

“Jesus” he cursed, starting to pace the room, “Did today really mean nothing to you?”

“What? No! I mean, of course it did!” Emily replied, her voice higher than usual as she started to panic, “It won’t be forever and we’ll be here most of the time, I’m sure”

“Are you?” Tom growled, spinning around to stare at her, “Are you sure? Because it sounds to me like I’m gonna be in this house all on my own while another man brings up my children!”

“You mean Ben? Don’t be ridiculous, Tom! He’s my best friend! He’s going to be involved in their upbringing no matter where I’m living”

“I’m being ridiculous? I’m being ridiculous? This whole situation you’ve created, without my knowledge may I add, is ridiculous!” He walked over to the table and leant against it, his eyes alight with rage as he looked at Emily.

“You're over reacting, You're making this more important than it needs to be” she argued.

“Perhaps not for the first time today” he snarled, pushing off from the table and recommencing his agitated pacing.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I thought when we kissed, that meant something…...that we were getting somewhere, moving forwards…….”

“It did! It does!”

Tom shook his head, “It meant nothing”

“Tom, don’t be cruel” a tear trickled down Emily's cheek as he paused in the middle of the room and ran his hands through his hair,

“You wanted things to be just like old times…...well here we are, Em. You’re making decisions about my unborn children again without even consulting me. We both know you’ve done that before, don’t we? So there we go, you got your ‘old times’. Congratulations”

Emily just looked at him, as her vision started to blur from tears. She couldn't speak, she was too stunned at Tom’s vicious comment. Bringing up something like that was a sure fire way to hurt her and he knew it. 

“Maybe you should go back to your home. I need a break”

“A break from what?” As the words left Emily’s mouth, she already knew the answer.

Tom sighed, dropping his hands to his sides, “A break from us. Go home, Emily. I’ll call you in a couple of days”

There was no point in trying to argue this one out any more tonight, not with the mood Tom was in now. Emily sighed and nodded, hauling herself to her feet and walking towards the hallway to gather her coat and shoes. Suddenly remembering her work laptop, she went back into the lounge where Tom was laying flat on his back on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t even look at her as she crouched to pack the device into its carry bag and zip it up. Standing again, she looked over at Tom,

“I’ll see you later then”

When he didn’t even flinch, she sighed sadly and made her way towards the front door and left quietly to make the short walk home, the darkness outside hiding the tears that were streaming down her face, and the noise of the traffic masking the sound of her sobs. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, i'm sorry! I guess the advantage of lockdown is i'm having time to do some writing again :)

Emily barely slept all night. When she got home, Ben had been at Zawe’s so the house was empty, the darkness and endless silence doing nothing to help the way she was feeling. 

She was an idiot. She should have spoken to Tom sooner, knowing something like that was never going to be an easy conversation to have. But Tom had been so hurt and angry yesterday that she hadn’t been able to explain it to him, try to make him understand her reasons. Maybe if she could have spoken to him things would have been different.

After hours of lying in the darkness staring at the ceiling, Emily couldn’t bear it any longer. She knew Tom had said he would call her but she couldn’t wait. She couldn't stand the thought of Tom hurting, thinking he wasn’t going to see his children when that wasn’t Emily's intention at all. She had to talk to him. Glancing at the clock on her bedside table, she checked the time - it was nearly 8am. Tom would almost certainly be up now and if she got a move on she could stop and get them some fresh croissants from the bakers round the corner from his house. Tom was a big fan of breakfast and Emily was sure that if she arrived with food that may go some way to making amends. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, as the old saying goes, and with Tom that certainly was the case.

Within an hour Emily was knocking on Tom’s front door, armed with croissants as well as several other various freshly baked pastries that she knew he liked. When the door opened, Tom stood in front of her in just his boxers, his hair messy from sleep and his eyes blurry. He did have a mug in his hand though so Emily knew she hadn’t woken him. He looked at her silently as she lifted the bag and waved it from side to side, smiling shyly,

“They’re still warm”

A hint of a smile passed Tom's lips and he stepped back, extending his arm for Emily to enter. As she stepped through the door she looked up at him, meeting his eyes as he blinked sleepily. He looked so ridiculously adorable and sexy all at once and before she could stop herself Emily had crowded into him, kissing him hard.

He made a little noise of surprise before his free hand snaked around her waist, the other still clinging blindly to his mug.

“I’m sorry” Emily whispered against his mouth in between kissing his lips forcefully over and over.

“Em” he mumbled, squeezing her hip gently. Breaking away from her, he continued,

“Did you bring me croissants?”

Emily nodded, “And cinnamon swirls and pain au chocolat”

Tom hummed in delight, “I’ve just made coffee. C’mon”

Emily followed him towards the kitchen, enjoying the opportunity to admire his bum in just a pair of tight boxers. It wasn’t just pastries she was hungry for. Raging pregnancy hormones and a practically naked Tom were sending her crazy and it took every ounce of self control she possessed not to lunge forward and grab his backside, much like she had the day before.  Once in the kitchen they busied themselves getting breakfast sorted, Tom making Emily a coffee and refilling his own while she placed the pastries onto a couple of plates. They seated themselves at the breakfast bar and Emily watched as Tom started to eagerly tuck into a croissant.

“Listen, Tom. I know you said you needed a break but I couldn’t leave things like they were”

Tom picked up his coffee and took a large mouthful, swallowing hard and brushing crumbs off his hands,

“I was gonna call you this morning. You beat me to it”

He reached across the counter and took Emily's hand, “I’m sorry. I said some really awful things to you last night. I didn’t mean them”

“I probably deserved them” Emily replied, squeezing his hand gently, “I’m sorry about that whole conversation. It wasn’t meant to go like that, I didn’t explain to you why…..”

“Do you want to tell me now?” Tom asked as Emily nodded vigorously in response. Letting go of her hand, Tom picked up his half eaten croissant, 

“Let’s finish eating before these get cold and then we’ll make another coffee and go and sit down in the living room and talk properly”

“More coffee? You’re really going for it this morning” Emily smiled.

Tom hummed, “I didn’t sleep much last night”

Emily nodded once, knowingly, “Me neither”

Ramming the last piece of pastry into his mouth, Tom stood up and collected their empty mugs, “Go sit. I’ll be there in a minute”

Emily got to her feet and wandered into the lounge with Bobby hot on her heels. As soon as she sat down on the sofa he jumped onto her lap and nudged her bump gently with his nose before settling down against it. Seconds later Tom appeared with more coffee and took a seat next to her. He watched her quietly for a few moments and then reached out, tucking her hair behind her ear before leaning forward and nuzzling her neck, brushing his lips over it,

“I love you in the mornings when you’ve got no makeup on and your hair’s all wild. You’re so imperfectly perfect” he mumbled.

“While we’re on that subject, is there any chance you could put some clothes on? Your  _ perfectly _ perfect body is distracting me” Emily mumbled as that familiar ache between her thighs started to return. Tom chuckled into her neck, the warm air from his breath sending a shiver through her,

“I suppose I could do”

He pulled back and looked at her again before leaning forwards and placing a lingering chaste kiss to her lips which left her desperate for more.

“I’m glad you came over, Em” he whispered. He gave her a small smile and quickly disappeared to his bedroom, re emerging a few seconds later in a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a t shirt and retaking his seat next to her, smiling,

“Better?”

Emily pulled a face, “it’s not that I didn’t enjoy you being almost naked but I wasn’t sure I could have a sensible conversation with you sitting there looking so……..” she paused and ran the back of her hand down his cheek gently, “........Gorgeous”

Tom placed his hand over hers and moved it to his mouth, kissing the palm of her hand softly, 

“I should never have said those things to you last night. Forgive me”

Emily nodded, “I was going to talk to you about our living situation, I promise. It was hard to find the right time to bring it up”

“It’s a big step for us to move back in together. I understand if you’re not ready and it was a lot for me to expect from you, I shouldn’t have just assumed. It hurts though, knowing I won’t be living with my children”

Guiding their joined hands to their lap, Emily looked at him, “I think how quickly we both blew up yesterday proves that we’re not ready for that just yet. Maybe we will be by the time the babies arrive and for the most part things are going really well between us but it’s gonna be tough trying to cope with them, I don’t want us to put ourselves under the additional pressure of trying to make it work living together again too. It won’t be forever, and I promise you’ll be able to see them and me all the time - every day. I just thought if they have a nursery at my house too then if we need some time out…….you know?”

Tom smiled, “I understand, sweetheart”

Emily gave him a cheeky look, “Also then we can get Ben and Zawe to look after them for the night once they’re a bit older so we can have some time alone”

“That’s wickedly devious, Mrs Hiddleston. I love it” Tom smiled, leaning forwards to kiss her.

“Tom?”

“Mmmmmmhmmmmmm” he mumbled, peppering kisses along her jaw, as she closed her eyes and drew in a shaky breath.

“If….I mean, when we do move back in together, how would you feel about buying somewhere together…...a new house. A fresh start, out of London. Somewhere with a big garden for the kids and some a bit more privacy. A new home”

Tom stopped abruptly and sat up straight again, looking at her, “I thought you loved this house?”

“I do, or I did…..it’s just…” Emily paused to sigh before she continued, “There's so many memories here, Tom. Some of them are good, but some of them are bad”

“I proposed to you in this house. I carried you over the threshold the day after we got married”

Emily looked at him sadly, “But I also came back here after the miscarriage. And when I found out about you and……”

She still couldn't bring herself to say that woman’s name. Not now, and probably not ever. Not after the damage she’d caused.

" _ Her”  _ she finished.

Tom’s jaw clenched and he looked away from her to the floor, silently.

“You think I’m being stupid” Emily said after a couple of minutes when Tom still hadn’t moved. He took a deep breath and shook his head,

“Not at all”

“We could have a  _ garden,  _ Tom. With grass…..not like your concrete yard out there. A garden with grass, and a trampoline……..”

Tom turned to her, “You could have your very own walk in wardrobe for all your clothes and shoes” 

Emily giggled and Tom’s face broke into a smile as he turned to face her, “We could have a proper open fire in the living room”

Emily frowned at him, “With two little people? Might not be the safest idea”

Tom flicked his hand in dismissal, “We’ll get a guard for it. And we can have one of those big range cookers in the kitchen, and a big dining table”

Emily smiled at him, “So is that a yes?”

Tom reached for her hands, grasping them tightly, “Yes. A million times yes! A proper family home, Em. Me, you, our children and Bobby”

“We’re gonna make it, aren’t we?” Emily asked. It wasn’t really a question, more of a statement. She knew that she would never be able to let him go. 

“Of course we will darling. Me and you, just like it’s always been and always will be. Still my best friend”

“Always” Emily mumbled, pulling him towards her and kissing him.

~

The next few weeks went by in a whirlwind. Tom was in the final rehearsals for the play which was due to start next week and Emily was flat out at work too, not to mention having to attend London fashion week. In past years she had gone to a great deal of the shows but this year she had agreed with Paul that she could go to the minimum necessary, delegating some of the other personal shoppers to attend others in her place. In between all this, her and Tom had their next scan appointment which involved him ducking out of rehearsals early and driving across London to pick Emily up straight from a Burberry show to drive to the hospital. 

The scan was straightforward and they were both thankful to hear that everything was still fine, and they already decided not to find out the sex of the babies. Emily already knew that due to the higher risks of a twin pregnancy, she would have to have monthly growth scans from now on until the babies were born, but they were given a bit of a wake up call when the nurse informed them that twins rarely went to the 40 week full term of pregnancy and that Emily should be prepared for birth at around 37 weeks and if this hadn’t happened naturally by 38 weeks, she would need to be induced. By the time they left the hospital, Emily was pretty sure she was gonna go into labour by the end of the day if Tom didn’t calm down. She had been booked in for an induction two days after the last Betrayal show and Tom was panicking.

“I thought this was all going to work out perfectly. What if you go into labour before the play finishes? Jesus, what if you go into labour while I’m on stage?” 

“Tom”

“I mean, they’ll have to interrupt the play! They’ll have to literally stop the play mid scene and pull me out, I can’t miss the birth”

“Tom…..”

“And we haven’t bought a  _ thing _ for the babies yet, not one thing! God, we’re so disorganised”

“Tom!!!”

He stopped his frantic pacing alongside the car and looked at Emily who had her hip resting against it, watching him,

“Will you  _ please  _ calm down or you won’t see the birth of your children anyway because you’ll be in hospital yourself with a bloody embolism or something”

Tom opened his mouth to talk but Emily shook her head and stepped forwards, holding his face in her hands,

“We have time, ok? We’d already agreed we were gonna go shopping after the scan, so we can go and do that now. We have  _ plenty  _ of time. And if I go into labour before the play ends, we’ll deal with it. It will only be a couple of weeks, worst case scenario. It’s gonna be ok”

“But if I’m on stage….”

“The hospital is twenty minutes away and the play is only ninety minutes long. You’ll get there in time. I don’t think it will happen that quickly”

Tom huffed and tried to shake his head but Emily just held him tighter, “I’ll cross my legs until you get there, ok? You won’t miss the birth”

Tom smirked and visibly relaxed, his arms resting on her waist as Emily added,

“Besides, who’s gonna hold my hand if you’re not there? I’m going to need you”

“I’ll be there, Em. I promise” he breathed, resting his forehead against hers.

“You bet you will” Emily smiled as Tom cut her off with a kiss.

This was it, this was what it was like to be truly happy. It wasn’t that she hadn’t been happy with Tom before, but it had all happened so quickly and as soon as they’d got together they’d been thrown straight into planning a wedding. Everything felt different this time - slower, better. She felt like they were getting to know each other all over again and they were certainly learning to communicate more which had been one of their biggest problems in the past. Their major issue was still trust but that was coming and Tom had given Emily no reason to doubt him. She knew with every day that went by, they were a day closer to reconciling properly but although she knew she was almost ready, she didn’t want to rush it. True to his word Tom had let her set the pace and hadn’t pushed her in any way, although she knew he was happy that they had regained some level of intimacy over the last few weeks - since he’d kissed her in his kitchen. Neither of them had said ‘I love you’ since they’d started over and Emily knew Tom was waiting for her to say it first once she felt comfortable. The reality was, they didn’t need to say it. They both knew how much they loved each other. Actions spoke louder than words and their actions were loud enough for the world to hear.

~

“Where do we even start?” Emily mumbled, stopping dead in the entrance to the large shop causing Tom, who had been following, to bump into her back.

“Jesus” he exclaimed as they both gazed at the endless rows of buggies and prams and to their left, rails upon rails of clothes.

“Let’s go for the fun stuff first…..clothes” Tom decided, guiding Emily towards them. Emily groaned as she started flicking through some baby grows, 

“I mean, what colour do we get?”

“Neutral. Everything neutral. Whites, yellows…….no pinks or blues. We can always buy more once they’re born”

Emily hummed in agreement and glanced across at him, “Do you think we’re the most disorganised parents ever?”

“Quite possibly” Tom mumbled as he examined a pack of sleepsuits, “What size do we get? Newborn?”

“Hello! Can I help you at all?!”

They were interrupted by an overly cheerful shop assistant whose smile noticeably faltered when Tom turned towards her. It was clear she recognised him and Emily rolled her eyes as the young woman regained her composure and smiled even wider as Tom glanced to Emily and back to her,

“You might regret that offer. We need help with everything” 

Within five minutes Tom had turned on the charm and the woman was putty in his hands, guiding them around the shop and helping them to pile everything they would need into their trolley. Unable to hide the rising jealousy at the way this woman was flirting so shamelessly with Tom, Emily had remained plastered to his side the whole time, clinging to him like a limpet. He didn’t seem to mind however and Emily had been pretty smug when he’d looked at her with a smile before leaning down to kiss her whilst the shop lady was educating them on baby monitors.

Finally, two hours later they were leaving the store and bundling the endless bags into Tom’s car. The larger items like the buggy and cots had been ordered to be delivered to Tom’s house a few days later. As they had finished up and paid, the assistant had asked Tom if he would mind taking a photo with her and being his ever polite self he had agreed, adding it was the least he could do after she’d been so helpful. Needless to say Emily had been more than happy to get out of that place.

“You ok? You don’t look very happy” Tom questioned as they climbed back into the car.

“That woman was practically throwing herself at you” she mumbled as she fastened her seatbelt. Tom let out a cackle,

“Emily Grace Hiddleston, are you jealous?”

“No!” Emily argued, folding her arms defiantly which just caused Tom to laugh even more as he put the car into gear and pulled away,

“Let’s go home. How about we call in and drop some of this stuff off at my house, collect Bobby and go and stay at yours tonight?”

He glanced across at her, “That is, if you wanted to stay together again tonight? I shouldn’t always assume we’re going to spend the night together…….”

Reaching over and placing her hand on his knee, Emily squeezed gently, “Of course I want to be with you. Not gonna see much of you once this play starts so I need to make the most of the time we do have”

Tom smiled to himself and Emily cocked her head to one side as she looked at him,

“What are you looking so smug about?”

Tom thought for a minute before he replied, “You know what this weekend is, don't you?”

Emily’s stomach flipped. Of course she did - their first wedding anniversary. Tom hadn’t mentioned it until now and Emily had been unsure how she felt about it so hadn’t brought it up either. But given that her and Tom had been spending every moment they could together lately, she’d wondered how long they could avoid it.

“Yeah. I do” she replied quietly.

Tom glanced at her, “Listen Em, I know it’s going to be a bit of a weird day but would you like to spend it with me? I kinda booked something special a long time ago, before all this happened……..I’d still really like to do it but I understand if you’d rather not”

“What have you got planned?” Emily asked, intrigued to hear he already had something lined up. Tom shook his head and smiled cheekily,

“Wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise now, would I?”

They pulled up outside Tom house and as they got out the car, Emily looked at him,

“I guess I’ll find out this weekend, won’t I?”

“I guess you will” Tom replied, rounding the car and kissing the top of her head, “So don’t try and ask me anything else about it because I won’t tell you”

Emily glared at him and stuck her tongue out as he gave her a wink and began unloading the car. It didn’t take too long before they had everything piled up in Tom’s hallway and had sorted through the bags for the things they were taking to Emily’s for the nursery at her house. Quickly gathering up Bobby and his bits, they got back in the car and made the short journey to Emilys. 

“Heyyyyyy!” Ben’s voice called from the living room as they dragged themselves and their bags through the front door.

“Some assistance would be good please, Benjamin!” Emily yelled in response and seconds later Ben appeared in the hallway, closely followed by Zawe. 

“We’ve been shopping,” Tom announced as he tried to manoeuvre Bobby and three large bags through the door.

“You don’t say” Ben retorted, taking some of the bags from him.

“Baby stuff!” Zawe exclaimed excitedly, clapping her hands together and snatching a bag from Emily and delving into it.

“You guys staying here tonight?” Ben asked, piling the stuff up beside the stairs as Tom and Emily took their coat and shoes off and nodded.

“Great! I’m cooking a stew, and there’s more than enough for you guys too if you’d like some?” Zawe asked, heading towards the kitchen.

Within an hour they were all seated at the table, devouring the enormous amounts of food that Zawe had cooked and chatting easily.

“Ben, you’re still ok to have Bobby this weekend?” Tom asked and Ben nodded, glancing at Emily,

“So she said yes?”

Emily gasped, “You knew about this?!”

Ben shrugged and smiled smugly, “I might have done….”

“I think it’s lovely” Zawe interrupted, “Especially with the play starting on Tuesday. It’ll be a nice break for you both”

She looked to Ben and patted him on the leg, “Which reminds me, you still need to let me know when you’re coming to see it so I can sort out your tickets”

Ben nodded and looked to Emily, “Perhaps we can go together? I mean you will be seeing it I assume?”

“Oh, I…...um” Emily stuttered. She honestly hadn’t even thought about it but now she could feel Tom’s eyes on her, waiting for an answer. Of course he’d want her to go.

“Em?” He prompted.

Emily sighed and looked at him, “What about all the people staring at me, gossiping, speculating…….I don’t know”

“So what? Let them look” Ben argued as Zawe nodded in agreement and added,

“You can’t hide for the rest of your life, Em. Besides, the statement Tom released said that you remained friends, so why wouldn’t you go along to support him?”

“I’ll be with you too,” Ben encouraged.

“Guys, it’s ok. If Em doesn’t feel up to it, that’s fine” Tom interrupted. Emily looked across at him as he picked up his fork and started to eat again, eyes fixed firmly on his plate. She knew it wasn’t fine, not really. 

“Of course I’ll be there” she said quietly. Tom stopped eating and looked at her, shuffling his chair closer to her and putting his arm around her shoulder,

“You don’t have to, Em. I understand”

“I do have to…….I  _ want _ to” she replied as a smile spread across his face and he leant in to kiss her.

It was time to put her brave pants on and face the world as the mother of Tom Hiddleston's children, and to support her husband in any way he needed her to. If they were going to make it, she had to stop being so scared and start fighting.


	14. Chapter 14

Emily missed Tom. It had only been two days since he’d kissed her goodbye on her doorstep but what with his promo interviews and final rehearsals for the play, and her post LFW work, they hadn’t seen each other since and had barely had time to even speak on the phone. So when Tom arrived at her house on Saturday morning to pick her up and drop Bobby off, she practically threw herself at him. That is, as much as a six month pregnant woman can throw themselves at anyone.

“I missed you” she gasped in between their frantic open mouthed kisses as Tom pressed her against the wall in her hallway and hummed in response. 

“Christ you two, get a room” Ben grumbled, walking past them into the kitchen.

“Got one later” Tom replied sarcastically, giving Emily a wink that sent a shiver through her. They’d slept in the same bed at least four times a week for the last few months and although their kisses had become pretty heated at times, things had never gone any further, both of them determined to stick to their agreement. Tom had been the perfect gentleman and not pushed her at all. But tonight felt…….different. Away from everything, just the two of them celebrating their anniversary. God knows Emily was desperate to get her hands on him.

“Are you ready to go?” Tom asked, pulling her from her thoughts and she nodded, smiling happily at him. 

“Have a nice time” Ben called, walking back into the hall and leaning against the kitchen door frame, giving Tom a knowing wink.

“You two” Emily growled in frustration. While she loved the fact that Tom was surprising her, she was annoyed that she hadn’t been able to prepare for the weekend. She’d had to guess at what clothes to take and not knowing what they were doing or where they were going made her anxious.

“Is it a long drive?” She asked in her best casual tone as they climbed into Tom’s car.

“Wait and see” Tom replied bluntly. He knew her and he knew what she was trying to do. Emily was going to have to try a different tactic. She reached across and rested her hand on Tom’s thigh, noticing the way he tensed at her touch. Smiling to herself, she let her hand rest there for a few minutes before sliding it a little higher. His breath hitched and Emily smiled to herself,

“What can we do to keep ourselves amused on the journey?” She purred as her hand slid dangerously higher. Tom made a little sound of frustration and grabbed her hand, moving it off his leg and guiding it back into her lap,

“Stop it” he was trying not to smile and Emily giggled. He glanced across at her and shook his head in mock disapproval,

“It’s not far, ok? Less than an hour. Do you think you can just behave yourself for that long?  _ Please” _

The problem was, not only had Emily got Tom worked up, she’d got herself worked up too. She physically couldn’t sit still, excitement and anticipation for the next two days surging through her. She reached for the radio, flicking through the stations only to pause long enough to sing along to a few lines every time she came across a song she liked. Soon tiring of that too, she occupied herself on social media watching videos of cute baby animals, not realising that they were about to arrive at their destination. It was only when Tom spoke that she became aware of her surroundings,

“Em, look”

Emily gasped as she looked out the window, their car winding its way down a long driveway. The turret in the distance was familiar and unmistakable.

“Tom, we’re….” she stuttered.

Bringing the car to a halt, Tom turned to look at her,

“Happy Anniversary, sweetheart”

“Oh my god” Emily yelped, flinging the car door open and looking at the castle in front of them - their wedding venue. Rounding the car, Tom slid his hands around her waist from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder,

“Would you like to spend the weekend here with me? It’s just you and me, the whole place is closed to the public today and tomorrow”

Emily spun around to look at him, “You closed the whole castle and grounds just for us?”

“For  _ you”  _ Tom corrected with a smile, “I actually arranged this last year while we were here for our wedding”

Emily was speechless. Tears were pricking at her eyes as she looked up at him, hooking her hands around his neck, 

“God, I……..this is incredible”

“Just like you” Tom murmured, dipping his head to kiss her chastely, “Come on, let’s take our bags to the room and then we can go for a walk”

They checked in and were shown up to their room, which was also the same one as they’d had last year. Emily walked around the room, tracing her hand gently over the carvings of the foot of the bed as memories of their wedding night flooded her head and she closed her eyes and smiled to herself. Suddenly Tom was behind her, brushing her hair off her neck so that he could kiss it, his breath sending shivers down her spine.

“So the question is, what would you like to do now?” He hummed. Emily groaned quietly and he chuckled against her skin, 

“Let’s go out while it’s still light. You up to a walk?”

“Only if you kiss me first” Emily demanded, turning to face him as he immediately scooped her into his arms and kissed her slowly, his tongue exploring her mouth hungrily. He pulled back, smirking as he dropped his hands to her bump, 

“This is starting to get in the way”

“I’m so fat” Emily huffed.

“You’re stunning. My beautiful, incredible, breathtaking, wife” Tom murmured, leaning down to kiss her again. Emily’s hands ran down his chest, tucking under the waistband of his jeans where he halted them, 

“We’re going out” he whispered.

They managed to tear themselves away from each other and left the room to take a walk around the lake hand in hand as they admired the views. As they came to the boathouse on the far side, they stopped and sat down so Emily could have a rest.

“Remember the photos we had done here?” Tom asked as he looked out over the lake and Emily hummed quietly,

“Looks a bit different this year, now it’s not under several inches of snow”

Tom nodded, “It was freezing, wasn’t it?”

“I was worried I was turning blue at one point”

Tom chuckled, falling silent for a few minutes before he glanced across at her,

“Em, I’ve got something for you”

“Huh?” Emily replied, looking at him as he delved into his pocket. Seconds later he produced a familiar green box tied perfectly with a white ribbon, holding it out to her. Emily stared at him,

“I didn’t get you…..I mean, I didn’t think we were going to give each other presents…..oh god, this is embarrassing”

Tom laughed again, “Darling, it’s ok. Just being here with you is all I could ever want. Please, open your present”

Emily eyed him and took the box, untying the ribbon and lifting the lid,

“Is this……..?”

“It’s your bracelet” Tom confirmed. 

The bracelet Tom had bought her all those years ago. The clasp had broken a while ago and Emily had meant to get it fixed but had never got around to it and it had been sitting in her jewellery box ever since. It was now repaired and had been cleaned too, looking as shiny and new as the day Tom had given it to her.

“How did you…” she trailed off, taking it out the box and holding it up in front of her to admire it.

“Ben snuck into your room and took it for me a few weeks ago. Here, put it on”

Tom took it from her and undid the clasp, fastening it around Emily’s wrist before lifting it to his mouth and kissing it gently. Emily smiled at him as a tear trickled down her cheek. Tom reached over and brushed it away with his thumb,

“It wasn’t meant to make you cry!”

Emily chuckled and sniffed, “Sorry! I wasn’t expecting any of this. You did it all for me and it’s just…….perfect”

Tom stood, pulling her to her feet as well and resting his hands on her hips, “Happy tears?”

Emily nodded, “Happy tears, yeah”

~

They walked slowly back to the castle and their room and Tom ran Emily a bath, leaving her to relax and soak in it for a good half an hour. Part of her really wanted to ask him to come and get in with her but given the size of her, there was no way that anyone else was going to fit in that tub too. Once the water had started to go cold, she hauled herself out and went back into the main room to get dressed while Tom had a shower and then got dressed too. They made their way down to the summer house where they’d had their wedding meal last year. As they approached, Tom pulled Emily back,

“Close your eyes”

“What? Tom, come on!”

“Please, Em. Just close your eyes. I’ll guide you” 

He ducked around behind her as she sighed and closed her eyes and Tom gripped her arms gently,

“Ok, walk forwards”

“I’m going to fall down” Emily argued.

“You’re not going to fall. I’ll never let you fall. I’ve got you, baby”

Well if that wasn’t enough to make her legs turn to jelly and land in a heap on the floor anyway…….

“Ok, stop” Tom ordered. He let go of her with one hand and she heard a door open in front of them and the sound of soft music playing.

“Ok, step forwards again, careful of the door……”

With Tom’s help, Emily shuffled inside and Tom halted her again. He placed his hands on her shoulders and dipped his head to whisper in her ear,

“Open your eyes”

Emily blinked a few times as her eyes adjusted and took in the scene around her. Fairy lights hung from the ceiling and the room was lit with large pillar candles and decorated with identical flower arrangements to the ones they’d had at the wedding. A table with two chairs was positioned in the middle of the room, looking out over the terrace leading down to the lake which was illuminated by old fashioned hurricane lamps. 

“Tom, this is beautiful” she murmured, gazing around the room.

“Do you like it?” He asked, kissing her shoulder gently.

“I don’t know what to say…….I love it”

Tom took her hand and pulled her forward to the table, sliding her chair out for her to sit before going around and taking his own. 

“This music…..” Emily stuttered as Tom nodded,

“It’s the playlist we had running during our wedding meal”

“God, you thought of everything, didn’t you? Are you trying to make me cry again?”

Tom smiled as suddenly a waiter appeared to serve them their starter and pour the wine. As Emily eyed him, Tom pitched in,

“It’s ok, it’s non alcoholic fizz”

“You’re having it too?” She questioned as the waiter filled his glass.

“Of course! It wouldn't be fair of me to sit here drinking alcohol while you can’t, would it? Especially knowing how much you like your wine”

He gave Emily a cheeky smile and held his glass towards her, “Cheers”

Emily tipped her glass against his, “To us”

Tom bit his lip and Emily thought she could see him tearing up too as he nodded, “To us. Mr and Mrs Hiddleston”

They chatted happily as they worked their way through the three courses that were brought to them one after the other, reminiscing about their wedding day and remembering things that had happened. As they sat back watching the reflection of the moonlight dancing on water, Emily sighed,

“Seems like such a long time ago, doesn’t it?”

Tom looked at her, his face serious, “it’s not how I’d planned our first year of marriage to go to be honest. I know I’ve not made it easy for you, but I’ll never be able to thank you enough for not giving up on us, on me. I didn’t know if this would be too much when we’re not even officially together, but I’m glad we’re here”

He paused as the background song changed and piano notes filled the speakers. Their first dance song.

“Perfect timing” he mumbled, standing up and rounding the table to hold his hands out to Emily,

“Will you dance with me again?”

Emily nodded, smiling widely as she took his hands and let him pull her to her feet. They started to sway to the music as Tom sung along quietly,

_ When I’m in your arms, _

_ Nothing seems to matter, _

_ My whole world could shatter, I don't care. _

_ Wouldn’t you agree,  _

_ Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love. _

Emily closed her eyes and held Tom as tight as she could, her head buried in his shoulder.

“I love you, Emily” he whispered. 

Emily lifted her head and met his eyes, “I love you too. It scares the hell out of me, but I love you”

Tom held her face in his hands, “It’s ok, sweetheart. Everything’s going to be ok”

He reaffirmed the statement with a lingering kiss as the song finished. Tom took her hand, leading her out onto the terrace and they settled themselves on one of the fancy sofas, Tom pulling a blanket over them to give them some extra warmth even though there was a large outdoor heater blazing behind them. Emily watched as he looked out over the lake and sighed,

“I understand why you’re scared Em, but I promise you, you don’t need to be”

Tom turned to her, “Look at everything we’ve been through. We were meant to be together Em, we have to remember that. The Christmas you imagined a few months ago? We’re gonna have that this year - me, you and our babies. We’ll be together, a family”

Emily nodded, biting her lip to stop herself crying. She wanted it so badly but it was terrifying. 

“You don’t ever need to be scared. We’ll be ok…...we’re going to get through this” Tom whispered, resting his forehead against hers. Emily tipped her head, pressing her lips against his as she scrambled into his lap, straddling him as their kiss went from tender to heated in seconds. Tom moaned into her mouth as his hands held the backs of her thighs, squeezing them gently. Emily wanted him and she was pretty sure he wanted her too so she reached down between them, running her hand over the growing hardness in his jeans. Tom whimpered, his hands sliding up her back under her top.

“Em” he breathed as Emily responded by squeezing the bulge in his trousers as she bit his lip gently.

“I think it’s time to go” he mumbled.

They untangled themselves from each other quickly and hurried hand in hand back towards the castle and their room. Tom practically dragged Emily along the corridors and she struggled to keep up with him as he strode ahead. They hadn’t said a word to each other on the walk back and as they entered the room, Emily watched as Tom shrugged his jacket off and took his phone out his pocket, standing with his back to her. 

“Hey” Emily questioned, walking up behind him and sliding her hands around his waist, “You ok?”

Tom turned and smiled at her, nodding once, “Of course”

His eyes dropped to where Emily was playing with the buckle of his belt before he looked back to her as she bit her lip and smiled at him, unfastening the belt and popping the button and flies of his jeans. Keeping eye contact with him, she unbuttoned his shirt, sliding it off his shoulders and letting it drop to the floor and running her hands slowly over his chest. Going back to his jeans, she pushed them down over his hips until they too landed in a heap on the floor and Tom stepped out of them and kicked them aside as he watched her silently. He looked tense, and Emily wasn’t sure if he was nervous, excited or both. She took a step back and slowly undressed herself as Tom watched silently, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. Once she was down to her underwear she took a step back towards him, reaching for his hand and placing it on her breast. She loved that he was letting her take control of this, letting her lead him. Tom drew in a shaky breath and Emily stood on tiptoe to seal their lips together again as Tom’s thumb rubbed gently over her nipple, his other hand holding the small of her back as his tongue delved hungrily into her mouth. Then suddenly he was stepping away from her, 

“Em……..oh god, I can’t”

“What?” Emily stuttered, watching as he paced to the other side of the room and sat down on the window seat with his head in his hands. He sighed and looked back up to her and gestured towards her stomach,

“My babies are in there. I just…….I can’t. It feels weird” He got to his feet again and turned to look out of the window. 

“Shit” he cursed, dropping his head and shaking it slowly.

Emily placed her hands on her hips as she stared at him, ”Are you joking?”

Tom turned to look at her almost sadly for a few moments before he shook his head slowly,

“No”

He moved back towards her slowly, “Its hard to explain. I’ve been thinking about it ever since that day in my kitchen when we nearly………you know. The bigger you’ve grown, the more it’s been on my mind. I know I should have spoken to you about it before now and not let you think that this weekend we would….. But I hoped that when it actually happened, I’d be able to forget about it - you know, the moment would take me and it wouldn’t be an issue. But here we are and you look so beautiful and yet I still can’t”

Tom took her hands and lifted them to his lips, kissing them before he continued, “I know it sounds stupid and I know it won’t harm them but I just can’t get past it in my head no matter how hard I try, and believe me I really have tried.…….but it feels weird. I’m sorry”

“I thought it was what you wanted” Emily mumbled as he rested his hands on her arms.

“It is” Tom replied, raising his hands to hold her face as he looked at her, “Honestly, it is. But I can’t…...not while you’re pregnant. I’m sorry i’ve led you on. I should have told you how I was feeling sooner”

Emily sunk down onto the end of the bed, staring at the floor, “I thought that’s why we came here…...don’t you find me attractive any more?”

Tom sighed again and bent down in front of her,

“I didn’t bring you here just for sex, this weekend means so much more than that. We came here to celebrate our wedding anniversary, we came here because I wanted to spend the weekend with my incredible, stunningly beautiful wife. Look at you, Em…..you’re breathtaking! Of course I still find you attractive. You’ve been the only woman I’ve been interested in since I was five years old and I  _ love _ you. This has nothing to do with you, it’s me”

Emily looked at him. Her mind was reeling and she couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed and annoyed, but the day had been so perfect that she didn’t want to end it with an argument so she forced a smile as she spoke,

“I suppose you have got a larger than average……..” she nodded her head towards his groin and raised her eyebrows,

“Wouldn’t want either of the babies coming out missing an eye, would we?”

Tom chuckled, “You’re amazing, you know that? And I promise you, once those babies are born, I’ll make this up to you”

“I’ll hold you to that” Emily smiled, reaching out and playing with an errant curl in Tom’s hair as he kissed her neck,

“I’ll make you scream” he whispered in her ear. Emily shuddered and groaned,

“Not helping the current situation, Thomas”

He laughed and pulled back, “I’ve ruined everything haven’t I? This was supposed to be a romantic getaway”

Emily leant forwards and kissed him chastely, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed, but I understand, I think. It’s just a bit of a surprise...I had no idea you were feeling like that. But no, you haven’t ruined it. You’ve gone to so much effort to make everything so perfect, I didn’t expect any of this”

“It’s what you deserve, darling. And I just wish I could give you that one other thing that you want as well”

Emily forced a smile and shrugged, “Another time, eh?”

Returning her smile, Tom nodded, “It’s just going to make it even more special. C’mon, let’s get into bed”

Emily couldn’t sleep, though. Tom was snoring softly, his face buried in her neck and his arm draped protectively across her stomach as she stroked small circles on his forearm while one of the babies kicked her repeatedly in the ribs. Her mind was in overdrive, going over what had just happened and now she was scared. Tom didn’t want to have sex with her while she was pregnant - what if he found someone else? Last time he wasn’t getting what he needed from her, he’d ended up in Taylor’s hotel room. He had such a high libido after all and the last time he’d had sex was months ago - the morning their children had been conceived…...or was it? What if he’d been sleeping with someone else since then, what if there was a woman that she didn’t know about who could give him what she couldn’t? What if he had a secret fuck buddy somewhere? She tried to reason with herself that he’d learnt his lesson and he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. He wouldn’t do that to her again, especially not now she was carrying his children……….would he? She’d planted a seed in her head and it was already growing at an alarming rate.


End file.
